The Focus of things.....!!

I think I will write today about focus. It is something that I don't possess so it becomes quite natural that I write about it. What is focus? And where should we have one or desire one?

There is a lot of talk about life having a focus and what not. I believe that I have not reached the stage where I can ponder over the focus of something as big as my life. Maybe I should better start with a moment or a thought or an action.

Lets start at something even more basic. What is focus? Focus is when actions, thoughts or events converge on a point. That point can be a goal or an object or thing. The idea here is that the focus of the actions, thoughts or events should always be clear before beginning for only then can we ensure that we will reduce redundancies and progress in the wrong direction. This piece began without a focus but is gathering some semblance of a focus now. Perhaps the focus of it from the very beginning was to find focus.

Can we say then that the focus validates the actions, thoughts or events that converge on it. A random burst of   actions, thoughts or events can never accomplish anything. One instance of them cancels out another. Any shift due to their effect is possibly as random as the origin of these instances. So basically they result only in chaos. On the other hand if effort is made in aligning these thoughts, actions or events or picking and choosing the right instances of thoughts, actions and events according to the given focus then there is a greater chance that a shift in circumstances can be made in the pre-desired direction. It is important here that a random shift maybe result in a desirable change but it will seldom be the one that was pre-desired.

Our life consists of mostly these unfocused actions, thoughts and events. We are happy one instant and sad the other because we surrender to these random shifts of circumstances caused by the random bursts of actions, thoughts and events. And we end up calling them chance and fate and find relief in the acceptance that we were helpless.

Lets do an experiment. What if we spend the next moment with a focus. The first focus will be to find a focus and the next focus will be to gather targets for focus and so on. But all these actions will have a common focus to find some semblance of focus. So herein we discover that these actions, thoughts and events have multiple focuses. We are already making headway. We just found out a particularly interesting fact about focus and we had not pre-desired to find it. Yet we found it and we find this fact desirable. Where can this lead?

What if we try and keep finding focus in our work? We keep seconding those actions, thoughts, events that are not important to our focus. I am sure we will soon find a number of different focuses. Some more important than the others. Some immediate and some which can be deferred. Will all this result into something?

Lets find out.

Balance is essential

I was out partying for a couple of days. It was more like party one day and then recover from it the other day. And I deserved it. I had been working non stop for I don't know how long and even though there was a decent amount of play involved, I was really looking forward to some long and rejuvenating bit of rest. That was what happened the last two days and now I feel most unbalanced and completely reluctant to go back to work. It is as if I have just been through two extremes and I don't feel comfortable going to either of them now. So what went wrong? I lost balance.

And not only did I over do one thing, I over did the reverse to make the problem worse. The right course of action was to slow down and not give it up completely. You can always modulate the speed in which you work but shutting down and then starting up again can really sap you! So here I am, unrested but gearing up to work from tomorrow on. Sigh!!!! 

Later...!!

I haven't started living...!!

That's what I have been told. That's what I have been proved.

I have yet to start living. And here is why:

Whatever we do in our early lives is something that is decided by other people. They decide how we should dress and how we should speak. They even decide our early choices of clothes we wear and the people we like. Why are we supposed to like someone. If we don't we are told we are naughty and that we must respect some people but why we must respect them is never explained. At some time during our teenage we start to fight back and ask questions. This starts the age of rebellion. We start fighting against the rules that our parents and our guardians made but what do we start following instead??? We follow what the world starts telling us. Jeans are cool!! Body piercing is cool!!! Having a girlfriend is cool!! It is never that we start liking these things. We are told that we will not fit in if we don't like doing these things. Rock music and bikes....these are the new rules. And the ones without it are outcasts. They are the naughty ones.....the blacklisted ones...coz they don't follow the rules....the rules of the world.

The same rules change as we grow older. This is where lines like - "Act your age" come from. What do they mean by "Act your age"? Where is it written how you should act in a particular age? and why should we believe that? They are after all rules...!!

Till the time we have rules and till the time we have deadlines...we are not really alive. Why? I will tel you why.

If a person is alive and can make no decision then is he really alive? He is not. There is no difference between his existing or not existing ....even to himself. The same man can have involuntary reflexes...they don't make him alive either. He does not decide to flinch when he is pricked. If he stays calm and does not react - that is a conscious decision and a conscious effort.

So we come to us in real life. What decisions do we make? To get up in the morning? and do our daily business? And then to go to office, work our asses off, scold our kids, tell them to behave, walk the streets, shout at the errant biker who came in your way when you were jumping the red-light....!!
But are these really decisions? No they are not. They are involuntary reactions just as the flinching is when we are pricked. They do not take any decision making power or even thought. They happen on there own. It is only a decision if it takes some deciding to do it. When some thought and some control and some action goes into it which goes against the contrary. That makes it a decision. When is the last time you made a decision?

So I  have been told that I am not yet alive. That I have not done anything worth calling a decision. That everything I have done is only an involuntary action that was the most logical according to the world that we live in. Nothing is really my own creation.

That's what I have been told. I don't like to believe it. But I can't refute it. Can you?

Later.

The meaning of things

When does something mean something? When does an action mean something? When does a person mean something?
An object, person or action means something when its absence means something. Only then does it mean something to actually exist.
Any existence or action or words that make no difference should not be there at all. Because all they do really is take up space.

So why do them? Why say them? Why wear them? Why buy them?

===================================================================

Now lets say the same damn thing in the way that I usually write -

I was proof reading someone's application for graduate studies to US colleges when I came across a weak passage. I wanted to make it stronger. So I started adding lines. I always write in the same way I speak - in a round-about sing song explanatory way. I was mighty pleased with it and sent it out for a second round of proof reading. This is when I got shouted at. -

When will you grow up? When will you start making sense? When will you stop writing crap?
What is the meaning of this line here? Will it make a difference if I remove it? Will it take away some of the power from this writing piece if someone does that? What??......answer me? Then why did you write it?

There was a time when I let people walk all over me but that is definitely not the situation now, but this guy so gets to me all the time. Worse still.....he makes sense.

He removed the lines and dictated some other ones. Good ones. They were bad constructions and wrong grammatically but they made you sit up and take notice. They made a difference. They were good and my stylish round-about stuff was crap.

It proves one thing - No matter how stylish or correct or fashionable or proper something might be, if its absence does not make a difference, its presence means nothing.
And I have a feeling that the same goes for the things we do in real life as well. The same goes for relationships and our actions and our possessions and our feelings. If any of them did not make a difference by their absence......their presence means nothing.

My wish came true.....Damn!!!!

I haven't written for quite some time and it has been because someone whose opinion I value highly said that I was not writing anything of any value here. So I decided that I will put something in only when I have something that matters. But this post is really out of necessity because I need to send this shout out to the world.

My wish came true.....and I am so screwed because of that.

One crazy day I told myself that I wanted to fall in love. I told myself that it did not matter if there was no way it could come to anything or that I would end up heart broken. I just wanted to feel like it again. Coz I had shut myself up from that emotion for so long.

And then it happened.

It just happened. I am not even sure if it is really the real deal but there is something there and I don't know what it is. I am liking the way I am feeling though. There are butterflies in my stomach and I laugh at myself and at her. She is one weird little girl. And I have nothing common with her. But there is the hope of something. Maybe it truly is nothing that I have. Maybe we aren't really right for each other but there is the hope and really sometimes that alone is good enough.

So what do I feel for her. Honestly, I don't know. But I like the feeling of having a new friend. I know it makes no sense to expect anything from it but why not give in to those stupid feelings inside? Why not let go of reason for a while?

Tell you something? I already feel it going away from me. Even though I know the next time I speak to her I will feel the same way again. If nothing at all maybe it means that there is still hope for me. That I can still feel for someone again. That I can still fall in love. Maybe it is the universe's way of telling me that things are not as fixed as I kept thinking they were.

There is still hope. And there is still me. Lets see what happens....!!!

I really am crazy!!

Later

Parents trust the kids that fight back!!

Yes, that is what I believe.

The kids that fight with their parents on opinions and actions are the ones that the parents trust more than the ones who are obedient. Take this case:

Ram and Shyam - 2 brothers, not necessarily the same age. They have the same set of parents but they both react to them differently and similarly get different treatment. So there is Ram - Always the good son. Always does as he is told and follows all rules and regulations. He gets the best marks and never struggles with studies. He always seeks permission and never does anything wrong. When he does something that is against his parents wishes or he feels that it might be against his parents wishes, he is immeasurably full of contrition and is compelled to tell and apologizes to his parents. All who know him wish that their kid was more like Ram. His parents are awfully proud if him. He is their darling.

Case 2: Shyam. He is the rebel. He always fights over opinions and issues. He wants to know why before he goes ahead and obeys an order. He asks for reasons and fights over explanations. He gets into fights at school and struggles with his grades. He is not regular with anything and seems to have a mind of his own. Constantly going against his parents wishes and having his own way. All this comes with mixed results. Sometimes he makes it, sometimes he doesn't. He goes and does stuff that his parents would go bonkers about - drinking, hanging out with new people and what not. All in all a kid who becomes an example for other parents when they are scolding their kid, terrorizing them that they will turn into Shyam if they do not mend their ways.

Both these kids grow up. What happens then? Which of the 2 will the parents trust more?

The question is not whom will they love more. That would have been easy. The question is whom will they trust more. Who will they be less worried about when they are not around them? and who will they have more faith in when the 2 go into the world of their own?

My answer is  - Shyam.

Why? I will tell you why.

The next time Shyam comes home drunk or the parents find out that there is a party that they are going to where there will be drinks - They will leave Shyam to his devices and get all on Ram. He afterall is the good kid - the one who does not know the ropes. He will get hurt. He will make a mistake. Shyam has been around the block a few times. He can handle himself. The mother will find herself telling Shyam to take care of Ram, irrespective of who is elder to whom.

They decide to make an unconventional career decision - Who will they trust more? Ram? The one who has forever lived in the shadow of his parents? forever holding their hands. Will they trust him to go on his own and make his own decisions? Or will they trust Shyam? The rebel who has always done things on his own and well he is still standing and has not gotten himself killed. The father will find himself having more faith in Shyam.

Who will these parents trust to hold the fort when they are no longer able to be the power house of the family? When they are weak and are no longer able to stand making all the decisions and providing all the needs? They will still supply advice and safe-guard Ram and turn to Shyam for advice.

The reason is simple. Shyam is the self made man. The one who made the mistakes, learnt from them, made some more and is still standing after all this. Ram has never made a decision on his own. He might have no need of his parents hand holding any more but they will never believe it. He will always remain the good son but Shyam will be the one on whom they will depend.

Don't think so? Sit and think it over. You will see what I am saying.

Later

Life promises to be like this...

I am sitting in the middle of the night writing a blog post. I can't sleep. Have not been able to do so for a few weeks now. I don't sleep all night and then wake up all tired and ruin my day. And it promises to stay that way for some time. On an aside note: It is giving me immense pleasure just typing right now. I don't know why but it is. But getting back to the subject - Life sucks and I am just not liking it.

I want to be on a exotic island right now. Dressed in Hula shirts and looking at beauties diving into the swimming pool right next to the table I am sitting on. I look around and see an old friend in the distance. She is wearing a cute halter top and flowers in her hair. She sees me and comes over to my table. We are surprised seeing the other there. She is here on business and I am here for pleasure. We talk and laugh about the good old days when I was a klutz and she was a geek. "I still am", I tell her. "I am sure somethings have changed", she says with a twinkle in her eyes. I look back questioningly and she stares right back but only for a brief moment, then shies away from my gaze.

Thats as far as I can go dreaming away and avoiding the fact that I am sitting on my table typing away at a dirty keyboard and wishing that I was somewhere else....damn!!

Later!!!

Talking to girls

I like talking to girls. I need to talk to girls. Coz if I don't I completely lose it.

Might come as a surprise admission but it is the truth. I need to talk to girls. Now one might get the impression that I need to flirt with them or I need to get some "female tonic in" as some call it but that is far from the truth. I need to talk to girls like I need to talk to women like I need to talk to a female. It's all in the mind.

A woman is not a women just from the physical sense. She is woman in the mind too. We read so much about the effect of women in politics or in management or how women do well in some domains than men but we never stop to think that they don't do all that through their bodies - so how are they different? Their mind ofcourse!! So you see, that is what I need from time to time or I lose it.

My thinking is very male. I can imagine people liking that statement. We all try to think we are all male and we got the fighting instinct and there is nothing with some one who is too male. But you see I feel that there is something missing if your thinking is all male. Because then you are always thinking like a man does- you wanna fight all the time, you want to break things and change things and everything seems too simple to be giving you so much trouble and you can't figure out what the hell is wrong. All this time a woman probably is thinking of the other side - coexist instead of fight, mend and grow instead of break, develop things instead of change things and figure out what is wrong with the self before what is wrong with the other. I am not saying that women have it all down. No!! Hell no!! If we all thought like women we would get nothing done. We will keep brooding and try to make peace with stuff that is outright so wrong that it should be done away immediately. Thats why a balance is needed and my thinking is too male.

I can't live with a problem. I have trouble coexisting. I am not talking about a troublesome colleague or a bad. I am talking with issues in the mind. I can't turn my head away from something that is vexing me. I need to get it over with and only then can I get along with anything else. This comes in the way of living coz well we never find the solution of anything right away. You need to wait. Some things take time. I need to talk to women so that I can see some of what they are thinking. A little of what goes on in their head. I am not saying that there is a direct effect on the way I think or the way I feel but something somewhere gets a balance and well it clicks sometimes. Sometimes is good enough for me.

Thats why I need to talk to women from time to time else, hell, I lose it!!

Cheers man

Times are getting heavier

No danger signs yet. All is still well. Dark clouds and sunny skies are both as probable. And here I stand not knowing what to expect more than the other. Life is hitting me with the 'what's coming next' times. The dates for my judgement are coming close and I can feel it there. My breath is heavy and my brow is clouded. Everything I do and every direction I look - I see uncertainty. My friend told me these days will come. My mentor reminded me the same. I told myself that I will handle them all and now I am doubting the same resolve. These storms they will come for sure. What will remain standing is the question? I will survive it. I am sure. But what will remain with me. Will I have lost it all and have to start all over again? Will I have gained it all and be compelled to laugh at all my worries? Will I again be at crossroads with an option that I am not completely sure about? Which one will it be?

If history is any indication then it will be the one in the middle. I will be left with an option that will again leave more questions in my mind. What good is this option? Will it be the right thing to do? Should I take it? And the Life of Blundering Conqueror starts again.

Right now I am so scared that I don't even know if I want that to change. What if the change is worse than the present? I hate being scared. I is better than feeling helpless but still.

Courage my heart! Courage for all the hard work that has been done. Courage for all the work that is yet to be done. Courage for the sunny skies that might still come after the storm. Courage Courage Courage.

Life is a card game

I keep making these analogies - not to make things different but to make them simpler. Life is so complicated, so immensely mysterious and than anything less complex if made to simulate it will make things easier to understand.

It can be thought as Chess - Where there are pieces (Resources or chances) that you develop and expect reactions from the opponent (Life or another competitor) and then their is the positioning of the pieces and what not.

I was thinking, how about cards? You have to guess what the others are holding? Where do you stand with respect to the players at hand? Then there is the environment that you are playing in - that can be thought as the cards that are on the table. What you have in hand is worth something only in tandem with what is there on the table. No card or skill or asset can be valued the same in all situations. So is life more like a card game?

If it was so, what should we learn from it?


Never show your hand? Yes maybe. This is one of the things that can be learnt from the card game. Never show your hand. Keep some of those cards up your sleeve. Some place where the other players won't suspect.

Leave the best for the last? Or should you? Why not open with the best card? Well you need something to get you out of trouble once you get into it and no matter what the trouble is you better be able to pull something out that will kick them all. Start with something solid, perhaps even something weak. Look carefully what the others are playing. What are the cards they playing? What are the cards they holding back? Look at their faces - What do they have? Friend of foe does not matter. Must have a knack to catch the 'tell' - the sign that the other is bluffing.

Know when to fold? The most important of them all maybe. To know when to stop and look elsewhere. To know when to cut your losses. To know when there is nothing more that can be gotten be striving away at whatever you are at. One must know when to hold and and when to fold. When to keep going with those puny cards that you have. When to fold even when you have Kings and Queens looking up at you. One must always know, or want to learn how to.

Bluffing? Well this world would be a better place if there was no deceit. But in a world where deceit is an ability on which you play - you better know how to bluff. You better know how to fend off those animals when they come growling to take away what is yours. All you are holding are a pair of twos but stare on hard at them. Show them the whites of your eyes. Tell them you have what it takes to take on them. Bring it on. And they will melt away into the darkness.
 Or, lure towards you the bully you know you can squeeze the beans out off. Play coy, play dumb. Don't let them know the cards you are holding. Spring the trap just when they let their guard down. That is the reward for being ever so vigilant and their punishment for thinking less of you. Know well when to use what and yes, know how to bluff.





That they all go back to the same deck? Something that is more apt with the chess set but can be borrowed for the card game as well. In Chess, after the game the king and the pawns all go back into the same box. In the card game they all return to the same deck. In the end they are all the same and even perhaps in the game - the one beats the king but may be beaten by the two.

If only life was that simple!! But if one remembers the directions....some games may very well be saved....even won!!

Later

Awesome Awesome Awesome !!!

This is what my friend wrote above the Facebook post where I found this video. listen to it. Play it and let it buffer. Everytime you hit the point where it stops to buffer - replay the damn thing. Listen to it as many times as you can. I have just now listened to it one whole time. I don't know how many times I am going to listen to it again. A few times definitely. Do that and then repost or resend to some of the people that you care about. Just the ones who will care for the fact that you cared. The others might think it stupid and overbearing on your part. Let them hopefully receive this from some one they trust - it will be more effective then. Well I don't know - I am sharing it out with them all anyways.

Go on listen to it now. Don't let the music in the middle fool you - there is more towards the end.

Cheers

Hookah

My friends and I went to this Sheesha place in Bangalore. It was a long time wish of mine to try it out and even though we did not manage to get into the snazzy looking joint - we made it to a nice parlor right next to it and had ourselves a nice time.

No sadly this gal was not with us - it was just a bunch of us guys puffing away at the Hookah. It was the second time I was trying this thing out but the first time I was choking on the damn thing because of the stuff going on in my head - not a pleasant memory. This time I was able to relish it properly. And how did I feel? Well the expression on the chick's face says it all.

I have never smoked so I won't be able to give any comparison but it seemed like having a couple of pegs of whiskey. The feeling was the good feeling you get when you are just about right in the drinking department. You have had just enough and its time to sit back and relax. Just that in this case there was no heavy feeling I usually get with drinking. Nor was there a fear of overdoing it. It was all cool. This and a couple of friends with you for company and you can have a really good time.

Happy harmonica

Ok this one comes right off from behind the one that I just wrote. I don't wanna fake it so I will not remove or change the previous post. I am suddenly back from the dead and that is because of the Harmonica. Of course that is what I want to believe. I tried to play it in the evening as well and could not coz I was feeling so off. But now I was looking at some instructional videos on Youtube and I tried playing it some - actually played it and instantly I felt all better. What happened? Does my harmonica have some magic? Or was I some Harmonica player in the previous life that I just react to the sound of it? Well that may be but I think the reason was that I let my mind of the issue for a moment. Now I am thinking of it again but there is no heaviness like there was earlier on. Maybe all we need to do when we truly feel something bogging us down is to let go of it for a while and really let go of it - not watch a movie and keep obsessing about it in the movie theater but to really put your mind to something else - maybe that is all the juice your head needs to sort things out. I am feeling so much better now. I think I might have a really good sleep tonight - important day tomorrow - must collect college transcripts and talk to my Profs....Till later then fellas....

Cheers

Major hit of despair and depression

Some of you who have known me for a very ling time now will know this part of me. When I spiral down in depression to the point that I am dangerously contagious to any one around and nothing seems to get me to feel better. My face has the same darn look of sadness on it and I can ruin anyone's mood that day. It's like my negative mojo is so strong that no one and when I say no one I mean no one can face up to it. Well that is how I feel just now.

Applications dates are drawing in and even though I have the base work done I keep getting the feeling that maybe some thing more could have been done. There is always that feeling. It never seems to leave. Maybe today I was tired and that made things worse. I have been a little ill lately. A little tired and having a little difficulty sleeping. Yesterday was the third night, thankfully not in succession, that I was not able to sleep all night. It was not that I was tossing and turning. Maybe I would have tossed and turned if I stayed in bed but I got up and paced all over the house. I was not sleep walking or anything - just thinking what all needs to be done, dreaming some of what all there will be to do a few years from now....crap like that. When I got ready to sleep again it was 4 AM. I still could not sleep. Got up all grumpy and was not able to get the things I wanted done today. So it is all going to happen tomorrow - If I can sleep well tonight. Damn...!!

http://www.fmhweb.com/insomnia-and-few-hours-sleep-may-mean-high-blood-pressure-on-the-way/
Just read here that Insomnia and less hours of sleep might mean high blood pressure on the way. That can be true.

I don't think I have a major problem but just that I miss a few people, even though they are just a phone call away. Sometimes things get so tangled that it does not matter how close you are you still can't reach out to them. Actually that is completely off target from what I am talking here but since I am feeling down, all the other emotions that get me down are converging on me all together. I hope this one gets away from me soon.
Cheers

Harmonica and Me

I have started practicing on my harmonica. It is not really something that I am doing whole heartedly - I have other things on my mind which are far more important. But I keep this on the side and it takes my mind of things. I call her - Buzz, Buzzy for a nick name. I call her a she because well she is always on my lips and if something is going to be on my lips its gotta be a chick else it is coming off. I call her Buzz because hey I like to get a buzz now and then and it sounds to me like the way the sound probably is made inside the Harmonica.

 Thats my babe right there - a Hohner Big River 10 hole harp. I like to talk to it while I am taking a break from kissing it deeply. Its like getting to know her - nice and patiently, just like we should with a woman but we never do. Since I am really having a dry streak these days - I think I better use my courting skills on her. She is not to be taken lightly though. I better stick with her on a daily basis and be nice to her and all. Find out how she feels about different things - how I hold her, how I caress each hole with my tongue and which way she likes to be played. She makes the most beautiful music when I do it right and I get a bad shrill sssss when I do it wrong - thats right she hisses right back when I do it wrong. She is one bad girl. But I guess I will make her love me eventually. Eventually.

Later

Rebecca and her videos...

There is a music teacher - Rebecca and she blogs on youtube. I think I will start doing that too once I have the time and the equipment for it. Takes a different type of preparation - retakes if you make a mistake or say something that you don't want to go on the air. Not like in a regular blog post where you can just hit delete and all is well again. In a video blog you have to have a retake or it is pretty easy to see that you just made an edit somewhere.

I am adding just one of her songs below. Please this is not her best song, she has much better ones on her channel. I just found it immensely funny. Listen to the words - the song is not about food stuff believe me!!



Here is another song - this one is much better if you want to be impressed by the lyrics and all....



Someday I am going to post videos like that too....hopefully someday soon.

Later

Rituals

This is a follow up from the post I wrote on symbols. I said then that there is a possibility that we can use symbols to control ourselves and make us do more of what we want to do than what we end up doing in the moment. Today I say that we can do the same perhaps in tandem with the symbols or without them, with rituals.

Rituals are not new as we might think or too old as some would argue. We still practice them in our regular daily lives without paying that much attention to it. Remember the prayer in the morning or when your parents asked you to say a silent prayer to the picture or idol just near the entrance just before you leave for work or school. Think of the lamp lighting ceremony that we have in the beginning of any festival or project. We do it all the time and we do not notice it. We have been doing this from the old days as well. Remember the rituals where the women will pray before the men went to fight in the wars. And the rituals of the different festivals where we do the same things that we do every year or basically the same thing but in different ways. So why not develop a few rituals for ourselves? And how do these rituals help anyways?

Again it is all in the mind. When one steps out of the house after a prayer he has the added hope that god will look after him, he does not think of it consciously mind you. The same was with the women praying for their men when the went to the battle. Same is with the conch and shell and the trumpets before charging into the enemy lines - they all help boost the mind. The feeling of wellbeing and the feeling that there is something out there helping and urging us on. But is there?? No. And if we look a little harder we can say that they hardly make any difference because they are based on a elusive figure of God and of transparent and imaginary elements called wishes and fate and luck!! A thinking man line you and me will know this and dismiss it, how then can we use it to our benefit? How can the man who knows that they are mere hoaxes use it to boost him? This is where we mix science with the arts of the old. The ancient people were not blind, they knew what they were doing, at least the smart ones did. They knew that the people needed something to believe in, something supernatural, so that they could go and try to do the impossible. Again here it was always possible but the people thought it was impossible. We now know the truth so what will work for us will be a ritual that reminds us not of the God or the blessings of the ones we love but of ourselves. A ritual that will remind us of who we are and what we have done to reach here. When we next step on to go to war, whether it be an interview or a job, we need something to remind us that we have worked hard till now and that we have built ourselves enough to come to a point where we deserve it. The battle is won before the fight has begun because we have paid the price. There is nothing unreal here. It is the simple visible truth.

This ritual will work in two simple ways. When we are finally at the point where we begin the war or the job at hand - it might even be asking out that girl you want to ask out or go for that achievement you have been preparing for years - the ritual will remind us of what all we have gone through. All the last minute jitters will go away and we will know that we deserve to win this fight. That we have changed from the person we were before we started preparing and now have become some one who is worthy of the prize. That alone can do away with all last minute apprehensions and the battle as they say is half won.

The other way the ritual helps is in the preparation. The ritual must be repeated at the beginning of any leg of the preparation. That way the person will be focused at the job or the practice or the preparation exercise at hand. He will know that a miss here or a half attention or half effort here will have a heavy price to pay in the end when he is about to perform at the test. When he performs the ritual then - he will know that he did not do enough at that moment of practice. This is fear enough for a person to make sure that he puts in all that he has at preparing for the task. It is also an incentive for the one who believes that what he is doing now is futile and that it will come to no good. When he performs the ritual he will know as he can almost see himself performing the ritual in the end and feeling satisfied that he did enough to be deserving of this prize that he is after.

There is much that needs to be thought of before one can safely say that the ritual is infallible. Hell, there may not be any way in which it can be made so. But over time it can become the driving force in the achievements that we make. It is a matter of habit. Designing the ritual is again something that needs to be thought about. How can it be so simple yet so definitive that it can be applied to all targets in life. Something that can be the driving force to be a better competitor and perhaps to be a better man.

More on this when I understand some more......

And hey, feel free to tell me if there is something that you feel will help in figuring out the problem.

Later

What do you need to live?

A challenge. That is all you need. And not just a challenge for a life or an era or a decade or a year....but a challenge in every moment. Because in that moment if you want to do something or know something or believe in something then you are alive....else it is just another moment you never noticed that passed away. Hell, even the time you take off to take a breather - the challenge then is to cool down then, isn't it?

The day you feel that you have nothing else to do...that is the day you die!

And you know .....among all this bravado....still ...... I still want to have that safe haven where I could hide...the circle of people where I could be protected...!!

I want to fight and be a fighter....but hey...it would be nice if.....aaaahhh what the hell!!

My heads a blurr...!!

Later

Does success ever get to you?

I don't mean that you become too much of a prick, I am saying do you ever become a slave to it. Tell me what happens when you cannot leave it any more. What happens when you lose more than you gain? I don't ever want to be in a position where I won't be able to walk away from it.

There is a movie - Heat.
Robert De Niro is the crook with a golden heart. Great movie but what I want to talk about is a line from it.

Line from the movie:
A guy told me one time, "Don't let yourself get attached to anything you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you feel the heat around the corner."


I don't want to be such a situation where the job or the salary or anything else becomes so much a need that I can't walk away from it when I want to. I know that as times passes one gets family and responsibilities it becomes a problem. Some times the game or the job or something becomes too much for a person - damn I don't want that to happen to me. But I guess no one wants to - but it happens. This is where I want to be different. I want to make sure that I remember to keep what's important real. When the time comes to walk away from something I will walk away from it.

I don't want to become the guy that walks away from responsibility - I don't want to be the guy that no one can depend on but I won't fall in a trap. No....no no no...!!

How....I am learning ain't I? I will get this one too....!!

Later

Symbols

The power of a symbol does not come from the symbol itself. When some one is introduced to some new symbol there is no way he or she can be affected by it. One must know something about it or have some knowledge of symbols to make inferences of the patterns that make the symbol. But once it becomes popular it has the ability to have power of men. Say a simple example will be that of a Skull. Wherever there is a Skull symbol immediately one knows that it is the symbol of Danger or fear. Something is wrong there. This is how it plays on one's mind. To make a man shake in his mind, to make him more prone to nervous mistakes - all one has to do is expose him to sufficient symbols of danger. The same can be said about positive symbols. A room is a simple room but becomes a place of prayer when a few Crosses or idols are put there. Add a few portraits of gods and suddenly it becomes a haven for safety. There is no safety there but people will feel a lot safer and more in control of their fear there. That is all there is to symbols. A flag is nothing but a pattern - but put in the right place and in the right fashion it can drive the patriotic feelings in a normally indifferent man. But all this is not the reason why it caught my attention right now. I have never claimed to be altruistic - and I won't now. I want to use them for my benefit.

The main purpose of a symbol is to evoke a particular mental image or a feeling inside the mind. This can be used to one's own benefit. We keep telling others how to do the right thing and sometimes we tell ourselves as well but we find it the hardest to follow this advice. Is there a way in which symbols can made to come to our aid here? I think there is. But to do so we must either use the commonly known symbols or make our very own. If we use the commonly used symbols we run the risk of the world knowing our little secret - we can't have that now can we? So what do we do - We make our very own set. But I am getting ahead of myself here. I need to find a way to make them work for me first - and figure out how they will affect me. I need to be the one who has control over them in the end.

There are times when I forget or choose to forget facts. When I deliberately take that longer than necessary break or when I let pass an opportunity - I need something to remind me of these transgressions I make against my own will. A symbol that reminds me just before the act can deter me perhaps. A simple symbol - made powerful by repeating over and over again - like a mantra - the moment I see it - all the convincing I had done and all the thoughts and all the planning will come back in a second and I will have in a way asked myself the question - The act you are about to commit now - is that the right thing? I don't think that there will be so much in words or sentences that will go through my mind then - just a simple warning...like an image of me looking at me nodding his head and wagging a finger at me - telling me that I am being naughty. And not just this. Symbols can be used for happy thoughts as well. Just imagine the 'Stick Man' - The man we draw with sticks and a circle for his head. Imagine in your head a stick man family - doesn't it evoke the feeling of warmth in you - don't you think of your family then. Hide it away - such a symbol - something that you would see some time in the future when you are looking for something maybe - something that would make you remember of some good time or some happy thought. Who knows....you might be in a sour mood then and this would just make it all disappear.

I don't know how much of this will actually work - and how strong the reaction will be but there seems to be something in this. There seems to be something here that can be made to work. I will keep trying. Maybe figure a way out to trap that bad boy I got for a mind - make it a slave to what I really want. I am gonna look into this one. I got a good feeling about it.

Cheers

later

If only I had mail...!!

Some times I wish I had some one I could write to like this. Have you seen this movie? I like the idea of talking to you as if you are just one reader and not like I am speaking to all my readers all together.

I like the thought that every single day there would be this thought that there could be mail from this someone. Every time I open my mail box I will be sitting up expecting that little message from that friend. Some one I can tell anything that I want. Some one who can trust me just as much. And the fact that we never meet or that we might never meet adds to the amount of trust that one can put into these messages. You can just be the person that you wish to be. After some time I think we all want to be who we really are. I don't think anyone wants to keep getting credit for things they did not do. The guilt sets in eventually. But you might be some one in reality yet hide that from the people around you, afraid that they will judge you if they knew. Here I could just be myself and the person on the other end would just accept me, not because it is the right thing to do or I am right in assuming some thing about myself but because I will do the same for the other person. After all - there are times when we want to be become some one but are stuck at some place . And when some one believes in you and that you might actually be that person, maybe you might have just a little more of a push to go ahead and be that person.

And of course the want for that elusive thing called 'love'. I don't even know anymore if it makes sense to keep looking for 'the' person. I mean should we not just look for some one who would just be decently close to what we want or maybe some one with whom you just feel good. Accept the fact that the person is not going to be perfect and that maybe there is a person some place in this world or perhaps in this universe whom you have not yet met and she is the perfect person for you, so what....you have not met that person have you. Chances are that you won't. Why not make it the best thing you have with this one person who perhaps not the perfect match for you but is still here with you, making a similar effort to be the best she can, for you. Soul mates are over-rated. Simple. Be with the person you are with and make it the best you can turn it into.

Of course in my case I can't even find some one who is willing to give it a shot with me. Damn...I suck!!!

Later

No Smoking

No smoking at all...!!

They say gazing into a Mandala can be therapeutic

New crazy thoughts.....

So here goes - I am thinking of learning how to play the harmonica.

Nothing is written in stone yet and it might be a passing thought...but I have always wanted to play an instrument and this one seems mighty handy - you know you can put it in your pocket and all...!!

I hear that learning it will be easy - you have a number of tutorials on youtube they say.

All in all a thought no less....lets see if this one sees the light....

Cheers!!

Strong Women

I have a weakness for them. It has been like that forever. When I look back and see all the women (or girls back then) that I have been attracted to - they were all strong. When I say this please donot start thinking of them women of wrestling, I know a few of you nuts would start thinking of them right away - but that is not what I am talking about. I mean women who are strong emotionally - who seem to make those tough decisions when others can't, the ones on whom you can depend upon. I just fall straight in love with them. Even the characters in movies - I have a special attraction for those tough minded gals. But how to define the characteristic that I find attractive? What does she have that reels me straight in? It is hard to explain. I guess I just need to have some one on my team on whom I can depend upon. A grown up version of my childhood fantasy of having a pal I could grow up with. Some one who could watch my back and I would watch hers. Hehe - you dirty minded freak - I meant that in a good way.

But I wonder what girls in usual think they want. I say 'think' because you never really know what you actually want. Coz here I am hoping I find some one who can give me a run for my money and if the girls are looking for some one who can shelter and protect them - maybe I am looking at a level higher than what I should be. Damn there are so many things to worry about - couldn't this girl thing be any easier...Damn!

Later

First, the news - My friend just started to write a blog, I think it will help her get a new perspective of her life and how she wants to live it, and I just saw an episode of Scrubs and now feel immensely inspired by it.

People get their inspirations from such wondrous places - Newton found his from an apple that fell from the tree, Leonardo da vinci and the rest must have had some thing too, Archimedes came up with the theory from the bath tub he was in but then took it to a grade higher by running through the streets naked shouting "Eureka".

Me - My inspirations come from comics, cartoons, movies and comedy serials. I have already written a post about the inspiration I got from a comic in this blog - today is the chance for the Comedy soap to shine!!

First, the confession - I am a whiner, a needy approval junkie, people pleaser and constantly in need for help!!
Ok not all of those at the same time, not necessarily even one all the time. Comprende?

Damn - I better put that disclaimer banner soon or shits gonna fall from heaven - on my head.

So here is the deal - I know somewhere in my head that I am all these things so I make sure that they don't show. Most of the time when I am of saving the world (read - doing office work or being responsible for something) I don't even feel the presence of these little quirks of mine - but when I let loose and be myself, oops I am in trouble.

 I like to be assured that I am doing the right thing by some one who I respect - this is usually someone who i feel can do the job at hand better or seems to know how not to let these worries worry him or her. Any one who shows me up on any job becomes immediately some one who I worship - Disclaimer - not all the time - this happens in moments of extreme weakness. Damn!!

And now I think I need to remedy it - that too when I am up against some tough decisions which can make or break my career no wait my life!!

So what to do - fight my demons just when I need these crutches that I depend upon the most - or you know - postpone the whole problem for when there are clear blue skies?? Damn!!!

My mentor seems to have gotten wind of the fact already - he is already cutting the umbilical cord - Asking me to make my own decisions. See if I follow keep following his lead I will end up some place lower than if I do things myself and depend on myself. And it makes perfect sense - If I need his help all the time then I guess I am better off at a lower competition place! So there - Keep asking for directions - thus prove that you are incompetent and determined to stay that way - so go to the lesser place. Follow your own lead - thus prove that you are determined to change your habits and become self reliant - a quality you will need to survive in a tougher more prestigious situation - thus prove your worth and go to a better higher place.

Where do I get these brilliant ideas - from comedy soaps!

My ideas are great.

I suck!!

Later.

Readers beware...!!

It is actually writers beware. It is nice that people read my blog and I kinda feel good about it. My friends know about it and I like to think that I am speaking to them when I write. But it also makes me be a little careful of what I write. Just the other day I saw a number of really cool pics which I wanted to share but the thought of all my lady friends kinda put it off. Then there was a obnoxious thought I had the last time and I wanted to blow it all out here but I stopped thinking that it would make me feel weak. Now that should not happen to a blog right?
You gotta write the way you feel.

So this is what I am planning to do. I am gonna stick a disclaimer on top - right below the name banner saying that the thoughts expressed below are the authors and the authors alone but mind you - only at the time they were written. So what I am trying to say is that if I sometimes come across as a lunatic or a sexually frustrated nutcase or a suicidal maniac...its just the way I was feeling then - Not me entirely. You have no idea how much effort it took to write the last line.

Damn. I will have to think of some mighty tricky but convincing wording for the banner.

Later

They say embrace the pain!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZ45xrtNnzk

Facebook and catch up

Sometimes all I do on facebook is to look up my old friends and look at their pictures. Some sort of catch up on their lives. These people I knew so well. I saw them every day. Now we would probably pass across each other on the streets and not notice the other if some one did not point it out or we did not look directly at each other.

They have changed so much. I know that no one puts pictures with them looking worried - only smiles...!! But still I like to look at their faces and try and tell how they have been. They say that you always project your own mindset onto other people. When I see them I sure don't feel they are going through any of the crap I am going thru. Maybe I have not fallen too much then. They all look so happy. So complete - maybe I am jealous. I see a picture of a guy hugging his girlfriend. She is not your regular poster type beauty. She looks smart, some one with whom you have to contend with for some time before you finally get her to see it your way. Not some one you can sway away with a smile and sharp dressing or chocolates and loads of false pretentious doting. She would see it through before she fell for you. All this of course is imagination. I have never met her and am no expert on face reading. But he looks so happy. I am jealous. Not that he has this girl. She might be so not right for me. But he has some one with whom he looks happy. Maybe he really is. I hope he really is. I hope I will too some day. I too will come across my kinda gal. And when I find her what will I say? When I meet her what will I do? I don't have a clue.....  :)
Maybe that is the problem...!!
haha
Later fellas.

Surviving the launch

I am beginning a new journey. And the beginning it killing me.

I just left my job for an academic career. The whole idea of sweating it out to earn an honest days wages didn't seem to work for me. I wanted to use what god has given me....what's wrong in that?

So here I am ....trying to get a decent idea in a decent form so that a decent enough college will give me a decent enough stipend to spend the next 3-4-5 years completing what I claim now that I can complete. Sounds pretty stupid doesn't it. Well its killing me. Already!!!

Every minute I spend marveling at the amount there is to study, I have a minute marveling at the size of a fool I have been all these years. I should have made a move right then. In the beginning of my undergraduate studies but we never have enough brains then. And when we do -- So much time has passed and so much cost has sunk in that it seems impossible to follow the path of righteousness. No, you want to keep on working for the tyrannical boss in the bad company with the lousy pay and the stress laced blood pressure coz you don't wanna go thru the guilt trip. But here I am folks....look at me and cry....I fought it all off..... I shed the shackles that had bound me and am now free to embrace the guilt of being an ass all these years. Yeah laugh haha !!

Damn man, its killing me...!!

later

Being alone

I am 25 years old. I am way too young to feel bad about being alone. All thats happened is that I saw a depressing movie, thats all. And I will be fine in a little while. But life is about savoring the different flavors and I guess this is one of them. Why should I let it go without exploring...?

The past few weeks have been less than ideal. My focus on my work has been shitty and there have not been many bright sparks of inspiration. My best friend and out and out flirt was happily chatting away with his fiancée at 1 O clock at night on his birthday and he had to take permission from her to speak to me (When I was wishing him). Cute. But just made me feel more alone. So it had not been that great. Kinda makes the whole situation shitty, yes shitty. And I don't know what to do.

The movie was about a guy so comfortable with his travelling job that he finds family and home a burden and is actually more comfortable in the sky and in airports, when he is travelling. He scoffs at relationships and love and family and friends and all else that lesser mortals cling on to. Only in the end, when he realizes that he has been missing something, he finds out that the person he hoped to now share his life with actually has a life and family of her own. He just returns to the existence that he comes from.

The last line in the movie is this -

“Tonight most people will be welcomed by jumping dogs and squealing kids, their spouses will ask about their day tonight. They will sleep. The stars will wheel forth from their daytime hiding places, and one of those lights, slightly brighter than the rest will be my wingtip passing over.”

Thats one of the reasons I want to have a job where I can be home with the people I love. That is one of the reasons I left my job. Thats why I want to do a Phd and become a prof and what not....
But thats not the content of this post now is it?

The reason I am writing this is because I suddenly felt a void in me. I looked around for help and a little consolation and was immediately given the same, but completely misunderstood. I think I had more need to be understood than loved at that moment.

I figured that my teens passed me over without any problems. I guessed I just deferred them some how. I am all misunderstood and confused. I don't know what I want and I don't know what to do. Like a god damn teenager.....

Damn, this is embarrassing.... I think I need a girlfriend...

Later

It was still the same

It was different,
I had a drink,
The gathering was mellow,
I was alone, waiting for her,
That was the still the same.

It was surprising,
How unaffected I was of her,
How the years have made me immune,
Yet her grace blew me away,
The ease which she carried herself,
That was still the same.

It was questioning,
The way she looked at me,
With new light for the man I had become,
I looked back with uneasy calm,
At loss for words to her quiet play,
That was still the same.

It was strange,
Hesitation on her part,
Her looking away to hide the blush,
I walked by her, doing nothing,
Unable to respond to anything at all,
That was still the same.

It was new,
No pain at the goodbyes,
No pining for her, no desperate plans,
I think of her still,
In my loneliest hours,
That is still the same.

- pinaki roy

It is a work in progress, and I am drunk.

What you need to just keep winning?

This is more of a question than a sermon really. I don't know myself what one needs to just keep winning. But I have some ideas and I am going to try and convince myself than some one who is reading this right now.

To begin with- you need to love what you are doing. Just love it. Enjoy what it does to you and the people that it affects. Keep telling yourself that you are getting closer to those people. That you may not be affecting them right now but through your efforts you are affecting them in the future. Visualize that affect and then go on and love it some more.

More importantly or perhaps just as importantly- love yourself. You gotta love yourself. You gotta sustain your self. There can be no giving if you are empty yourself. Give to yourself first. Tell yourself how proud you are of yourself when you see yourself toiilinh away at something. Love yourself when you take a brave step - when you bear the pain and the pressure which you know you could do without perhaps. Love yourself for all that you have accomplished and all that you hope and aspire to in the future.

Do this and go on.

You might not win medals and popularity if you just do this. You might not get money and fame if you do this. But you will be infinitely happy with yourself all the time.

If that is not winning, what is?

Tata

Change......

In the beginning this post did not have a title. As I write it, I don't know what the content will be. As I pause to frame the next line, I have no idea the direction it will take. Knowing the end of it all is a much far out point. This is the manner in which I live much of my life.

There is a difference in the manner in which I am writing today though. The sentences are formed in my mind before I type them in and even then I am repeatedly erasing the phrases and then re-writing them as I deem better.Just now I re-read the passage and corrected a few grammatical mistakes. I am not trying to gloat over my writing skills, they are not much to speak off, what I am saying is that there is a definite change in the way I am trying to lead my life. Or there is a desire to do so.

I believe that a man or a person leads his or her life in a manner similar to his or her personality. An adventurous man will always be found among adventurous surroundings, eating adventurous food and draped in similar slightly 'out of the ordinary' clothing. The same goes for the conformist and similarly for the safe player. He plays it safe in all matters of life. Writing, in my opinion, is one of the most reflective of them all.

I believe I read somewhere that the handwriting of a person can indicate the mood he is in, that an expert can also derive some of the person's personality traits from it as well. Digital records, typing, rids the observer from these indicators. But what I am speaking of is the manner of writing, the style in which the work is executed. That can still be derived from records such as the one being written or typed at present. I am not an expert in this but since I am only trying to read my own state of mind, I think my knowledge and experience of myself will be expertise enough.

When I say that I begin my sentences with no idea as to how to end them, what I am really saying is that I never know how things are going to end when I start them. Today things are different. Right now things are different. I have re-read and corrected the above piece twice already. I never do that. My writings are more of a rambling. Tenses and persons changing as I move from one topic to another. The focus moving in circles trying to settle down upon the main point but more often than not getting lost all-together in the supporting matter. That aspect, I am afraid, has not changed even now. One change though are the corrections. Even for that, I have to make considerable effort to go back and re-read the sentence to correct them, giving the correction precedence over continuing further into the matter. That perhaps is the latest change in my persona- reflection and correction thereafter.

It is still not natural for me to do so, therefore the considerable effort that I have to make to suppress the urge to go on plowing ahead into the matter. I am trying very hard to make my decisions with more thought out and go back and make corrections wherever I can. It is not easy because I have never been the careful type. But I believe that I am at a point in my career where being so becomes highly imperative.Third time I re-read it. I am sure there are a number of mistakes still but my efforts to remove them must shine clearly by now.

Aah for the days when I could be reckless and not care what came of it. But the change might be for the better. I have already begun to plan out the sentences before I type them out. The trend suggests that I should reach the point where I will be planning entire passages for beginning to write them. Perhaps the same can be said about the way I live my life from now on. The trick will be to be able to make corrections in real life as well - That I am afraid is not as simple as making an effort for it. But then more about that in some other post.

tata

Real life vs the Dreams

I always seem to have the perfect line when it comes to dreams. When I am imagining things they seem to fall in place so beautifully. Why is that?

When the same situations come in real life I don't seem to know what to do. Maybe the trick to writing a good story would be to put myself in the place of the characters and imagine the situation and then just let the characters live it out there. But this is not about writing stories. This is about my life and how I need to reduce the gap between the real and the dreams that I keep having.

Maybe I need to live a double life. One as the clueless bastard that I am and the other as the the fella I want to be. It is not what I will do in the moment but what the character me would do in that moment.

This might actually work out. So does mu character have a name and a job or is he just going to be like me - without a job but with a name???

Well well
lets see how that comes out to be.

tata

Expectations and a new beginning

It is quite something now. I have started on a very un-predictable road. What am I doing here? Where is my mind taking me? Where is it now? Where should it be?

I have difficulty sitting in one place and concentrating on one thing and I am planning to take on this activity for the next 4 years. Am I crazy? Will I be able to beat this inability of mine. In believing that I have to defeat an inability I must believe that I can do anything. I must believe that there is nothing I cannot do. And the most difficult of these challenges will be doing something that I dislike so that I am able to achieve what I want.

Damn this is all so confusing.

Defeating an inability. How does one defeat an inability. Plus there are the expectations.

Expectations of people who believed that I have already started off on a life, expectations of the people who now think that I will achieve great things, un-imaginable heights, Expectations of people who think I have made a huge mistake and I will fall face forward.

This is really scary. I am afraid. I am so afraid that when I begin to walk the path on the road I have chosen - I freeze. Each step I take I fear I will fail and I stop before I take it. I begin to write something and I stop fearing that I will fail.

Wherever you fear, there you will find him, your greatest enemy.

Leap of faith.....

Later then
tata

 

Today I quit

I put in my papers today. It was quite a feeling. But I enjoyed it all yesterday. I was out with 2 of my colleagues and we had a blast.

But I still can't let go of the feeling of responsibility. I mean - i still can't stop worrying about the area and how it will perform. I still worry about the boys that work under me.

I guess it will be 2 more months of torture for me.

I will try to take it easy though. hehe
lets see how things pan out

Travelling by bus.....

It is the best part of my job. Travelling from one place to another, that too by bus. It is pretty much the same when I travel by auto but that happens only in the cities. When I am travelling long distances between far flung cities - that is the best part. I love the way I feel when that happens.

I am a lazy fella. But I hate the feeling of not doing anything. A constant feeling keeps nagging at me that I am wasting time and not doing anything. The guilt ruins the lazing around as well. But here is the beauty of the bus ride. I am going from one place to another. Action is happening. There is nothing else I am supposed to do in the meantime. I can just be and there is no nagging feeling, no guilt, no nothing. Just the wind in my face and the scenery of the North Karnataka villages passing by in front of me.

I love the feeling of being in motion. I don't feel idle. I feel like I am going somewhere. Whatever work I have to do is there and not here. I will have to face whatever I have to face there and not here. Here I can just be, snooze perhaps and there is no nagging feeling of guilt, guilt of not doing anything.

The scenes are beautiful. Large fields, farmers, cattle, trees and mountains in the distance. The roads wind here and there, up and down, the worn out shock absorbers making squeaking sounds with every bump. Sometimes there is some chattering and sometimes there isn't, but even when there is, after a while it lulls into the background. There is a feeling of bliss. A feeling of no expectation. Nothing is to come out of this time. All is at peace with itself.

I don't feel the same way when I am in a train because I mostly travel AC and there is no wind in my face, the scenery passes away behind tinted glass and the sounds I hear are of the passengers inside. Air travel is no fun either because there is a lot of excitement during the take off and I try to pretend that this is my first time all over again and I try to imagine what a person from the past who has never even thought that we could fly would think and feel at this moment. But afterwards it is bland ...with a lot of clouds and nothing else...

Gimme Bus rides any day....

I traveled with the DSE I fired. He is to finish his remaining time here - till the end of the month. When I asked him to get a bottle of water - I requested him as I always do and he smiled at me. I later told him that it was not because he was on notice, I always request these things and not simply ask. He replied- but that was nothing. It does not matter that now he is no longer going to be with the company - "Aap to mere boss ho Sir...woh thodi na.." He left it there and so did I. This is the first job I have taken. I hope I never have to again..

see ya later

tata

An Engagement and a Firing

I was standing on the roof my Office building. It was windy and the scrap reels of film dumped on the office roof were flying all over the place. Some got stuck in a corner and it looked like it was dancing in the wind. The sky looked beautiful, as if god was looking down at the city below. I just found out that an old friend had got engaged and that tomorrow I was to fire one of my DSEs.

Life can come at you in very strange ways. We as a team are under extreme pressure. And I guess this fella is the first victim. Is he the sufferer the victim or is he first to be free from the hell we have all been through the past few weeks. There are a number of problems that we are facing and definitely it is mostly our fault. But it is not all our fault and it would have been nice if someone acknowledged it once in a while. This fellow I am going to fire will be the first real victim.

He has been through some tough times recently and that too in a very bad time professionally for him. It all snowballed into what he is in now. I have never fired a person before. I have never said those words. I don't know how I am going to tell him and how I am going to refuse when he asks for more time. Strange similarity to death. As if I know the impending doom that is coming for him and I feel guilty for not letting him know, that I know.

My friend who is getting engaged is a dear old friend of mine. Even though we have been out of touch for perhaps 7 years. We had some very good times. At some point we were pretty close and I as a habit love to cherish moments I have spent with people even if later on the relationship might have gone sour. It is not so in this case, we simply grew apart. I wonder if she even remembers me. I wonder if she remembers we were such good friends. I wonder what I am going to tell the poor fella tomorrow when I go to see him.

My life was supposed to change for the better from today on. From Monday on. Today is Tuesday. It has to do with a little superstitious thing that I did, something I like to believe in. Will it all fall apart before it all gets better. Is the world going to crash so that it can grow back in the way that I truly want it. I don't know. I can only wait and yes keep trying....

I will keep trying...

Facebook | Neeraj Bukalsaria's Photos - Bleach

Facebook | Neeraj Bukalsaria's Photos - Bleach

Just checking a new "blog this" option from Chrome....

Well, well....

Isshin is here....who knows what will happen. Things should heat up big time - especially with Gin entering the game with his Ban-kai...

Lets see what next Thursday brings us.

Girls - the amazing Revelation- Part 2

In the last post I wrote how I have been wrong about Girls all my life. I also said how I asked my very good friend to marry me and how that turned out.... Here is the rest.

My friend who I asked to marry me....

We still joke about it. It is so easy to talk with her and to be with her. She is the perfect friend. But we were just not right when it came to ...well...living like a couple.

This is when the bulb went off in my head. Later on after a drinking binge with a few of my office pals, we sat down discussing the women in our life - we are men now- so we say women instead of girls. I shared about this particular episode and one guy responded - Why spoil a perfect friendship, why settle for 1 when you can have 2. When you have a fight with your wife or when she does not understand, your friend can be the one to console you, advise you. The bulb in my head grew brighter. Another day, I was tired and beat but pretty elated because I thought on my feet under great pressure and figured out a way to save the day. I was feeling cocky and sure of myself. I love that feeling- the feeling that I can do anything. I just called up one of my gal pals - someone I had stopped keeping in touch coz she was ....well like the other girls - the ones who would go out with you just because she wants to eat out - not because she wants to eat out with you. I called her up - got all cocky - teased her a lot - in ways I could never pull off if I was down in the dumps, and had a great time. Why did I ever stop being in touch with her? I did so because I was just another guy she could call because she did not want to eat alone. I was not special to her, like I am to the friend I talked about before. AND that is where I was wrong.

She need not be the supporting sort. She can just be the fun Time pass buddy. She need not be even that all the time. When the time comes and I ask her out and she has other plans - I just need to ask someone else. Whenever I related to women, I always thought that they should be perfect - that they should be understanding and caring and fun and all that at all times. I know it sounds crazy, it sounds that way to me as well - but I guess it was all in the back of my mind. Coz if it was more obvious to me, I would have trashed the idea long ago. Well better late than never.

Now I know and it is like the fire brought down by Prometheus.

Now when I want to go out - There is someone I call. If she has other plans - There is someone else I call. When I need to air my feelings - there is someone else I reach out to. The best part is that I no longer wish that any body will act the same way, be the same supportive pal all the time. And suddenly the world of women is all solved for me.

All I need to do is not push them away from me. Just give them the space that they want - not ask for something that they can't give - Just....ask some one else....

I guess I will need to know quite a few of these gals but hey....if I don't push them away...I am quite a charming fella, I think I could do quite well.

Well dudes...If you guys can pick something out of all that I put in and benefit from it....send in a thanks.

Later then

tata

Girls - the amazing Revelation- Part 1

I was wrong about them all this time.......

Every single one I met was different from the one before. And, I am ashamed to say this, I hardly appreciated what they were to me.

From the very beginning when I was a child I wanted to have a Best Friend. Some one who will always be there for me and I will always be there for him. Yes, then it was a guy I saw in that position. I used to think that we would have houses next to each other and life would be great. Or so I think I used to think. Come 3rd Std and I figured that only a girl could figure in that role. I was still confused about it all but it just seemed right. At the time it was a cute south Indian gal whose plaits I used to pull all the time - even called her "Chonti". As the years went by I guess all the best friend stuff got discarded and the Girlfriend concept came into being. I was in 9th Std and I still found the entire concept funny - Interesting but funny. By the time I actually accidentally fell in a relationship - Some one pointed it out to us that we were going around, we looked at each other grinned and said -"Yeah, I guess we are" - I should have figured out what I just figured out now, a few days back, 9 years after when I should have.

I have always been late in this race. This maturity continuum. I have always been behind the times when compared to ordinary population. I wrote in a previous post about this. So basically what I am saying is that I now know what I should have known 9 years before now. What is this new revelation - I will say now.

A girl does not need to be everything. She does not need to be perfect in everything. She does not need to be right every time. For that matter any type of absolute simple need not be.

Seems pretty simple does it not. I could have reasoned this out earlier. But what used to elude me all this while was that it does not need to be Girl. It can be Girls.

Yes, Girls with an "S". Plural. Not one but many.

I wanted all the girls in one girl and that simply was asking for too much. I am not all the guys in one guy, then how can I ask for a girl who is just right for everything.

Ok, Ok, wait!!

I am not saying that I am against monogamy. What I am saying is slightly more grown up than that. Not that polygamy is childish. I am completely for it as long as it does not hurt people. But we digress....

What I am trying to say is that I pushed away every single girl away from me one way or another because I wanted it all from them. They were perfect friends, confidants, advisors and sometimes just good time pass buddies. But I wanted them to be all this, all the time and in all circumstances. It seemed to make sense at that time. Well, the one I will finally live my life with, should be like that. And hopefully I will be all that to her, all the time. Damn, I was so naive.

I have a very good friend. I have know her more more than a decade now, we were not that close all this time - we have become so only now, and she has always been supportive towards me. She was always there when I needed someone to pick me up from those long periods of depression that I get sometimes. She would always call back. She was just perfect.

She was a perfect friend. One fine day- I asked her to marry me.

She did not know whether I was serious or joking. I don't blame her. I did not know If I was serious or joking.

She was not sure which of the two she wanted. I did not know which of the two I wanted.

For the sake of conversation we kept talking about it - This was all happening on phone.

She asked me why I wanted to marry her, and I told her. That she had been there for me all this time, and I have been there for her all this time, she loved being with me, I loved being with her. She loved confiding in me, I loved confiding in her. Even she was convinced that we were perfect for each other. But something was missing and even I knew it.

Its becoming too long a post - will put the rest in the next one...

tata