Of Gremlins and Angels and Love affairs with Life

I am a Gremlin. I read the definition in some book about a similar topic. The author said that there are 2 kinds of people - Angels and Gremlins. Angels are the ones around which systems start working well. People will more reassured. Solutions are found. Computers start working well. I know of one such person. And there are the Gremlins. Around them things start going berserk. Questions are raised. They are the lords of destruction, there own and of others. Better constructions can be made once the breakage stops but one has to make sure that one can handle the breaking. I am a Gremlin.

I should have figured this out much before. Whenever I set my heart to something, it just never happened. I thought it was a Shani thing. But I think the matter lies lesser in the stars and more deeper inside my own behavior. Everything that has been effortless to me has reaped me benefit. Disproportionate benefits. I should have realized it much sooner. Everything I worried about has led me to further woes. It can be traced from long ago. When I worried about my height, it never grew. Till the time I had no clue about it I was one of the tallest fellas in class. Then I started worrying about my hair, everyone knows the what happened in that case. It even figures in my love life. When I cared less, they surrounded me and adored me. When I cared for them and worried for them, I lost them all. I am truly a Gremlin. And all that I let go of and all that I did not wait for came to me swiftly and without any ask. My Engineering degree, my management degrees, my job and my teachers. They all came and I never had to ask or raise a finger. I got the best job in my batch as a fresher because of my internship where I faked my results and spent time with my cousin playing computer games. My best test scores have come from the ones which I did not prepare for or the ones which I did not care enough for. Life loves me too much, I just don't know how to love her back.

It is just like a girl, life is. She plays and acts coy and cares and hurts, all without warning. But there are ways to get to her as well. As is with them all - small gestures matter. Small things which taken care of can give back big returns. But one must not rely on them alone. They stop mattering if they are all that one does. Sometimes those big ones are just as necessary. Surprise life with that sudden burst of effort. The sudden spark of brilliance and she will reward you for it. You have to receive from her as well. You have to enjoy the little things that she lets your way. Value them or you won't notice when the big hug comes your way. It is just as insulting to her when you ignore that big chance that she passes your way. Embrace them all and you have a nice little giggly girl, wanting to love you some more. 

Lesson 1: Celebration

One of the most important thing to remember is to celebrate. Celebrate any and everything, no matter how insignificant or how simple the manner.

To begin with, lets define "Celebration".
It does not have to be an elaborate show of flair and colors and sounds. It can be that or something as simple as a prayer thanking the lord or the universe for granting you with that special something. A simple acknowledgement is all that is needed to warmly hug that little bit of good fortune that you have. It is like loving some one. Little gestures go a long way than overtly sophisticated ones. It is just a way to be thankful for all that we have and all that we have had.

There are times when we say that there is nothing to be happy about. It is a sad thing to happen. But sadder still is that fact that we have let go of all the memories which could still brighten up our day. The reason we don't remember them is that we don't celebrate them enough. We don't recall the good times and relive the joy. We don't call up those old friends and share our reminisces. If we do just that - perhaps we will have so much that we would need to pick and choose which ones we want to celebrate.

Celebrate be thankful of something and it will give back much more. It might sound stupid and a little emotional to think so but there is a practical side to it. When we highlight the good things in and around us we tend to attract more of it. This does not happen due to some cosmic hoopla or magic. It is simply that we tend to focus harder on the things that make us happy and so find more ways of brining more into our lives. If I keep thinking of my friends and how great a time I spent with them, I am bound to find a way to meet them again and be the moving force towards the next meeting. If I am constantly happy about the little weight that I had lost, I am bound to find enough motivation to go out and run some more just for the way it makes me feel.

We can even celebrate the things that we don't have. An idea or a desire to get something can as easily be celebrated. The thought of owning something or loving someone or being loved back can as wonderfully celebrated as the real thing. All this does is focus our energies onto the idea and therefore focus our actions towards it. We think more about it - not yearning for it because we don't have it (That would have an opposite effect) but loving the fact imagining the fun or actually possessing what we desire. Some might say that this is merely positive thinking. It is. But by repeatedly doing so, it gives way for constructive thinking and planning in that positive direction.

So that is Lesson 1: Celebrate all that you have and all that you want to have.

Love the idea as you love a person. Perhaps it will point out a few mistakes you make in loving people as well.

Life continues to head in the opposite direction

I wanted an easy life. A life devoid of pressures and expectations. Some time where I can just do what I want to do and, unless I wish it, it would not matter. There would be no more morning alarms and no more Monday blues. Instead I get admitted to the strictest and most prestigious institute which will ensure that the next 5 years of my life be full of hard work and meaning. Meaning for them, not for me.
People yearn for this option, I have no other choice.

Part of me wonders if this is what I really want. I do enjoy winning. This was the old dream. The one with yachts and mansions and fast cars and beautiful women. Is that which is coming true? But do I want that still?
Questions, questions, questions....that's all I hear these days. No answers.

I have no choice and frankly, I am not surprised. Life has never come easy to me. This is just another repetition. Question is, will I make better use if it this time?

I am Cynical?

I was reading a blog, one randomly picked out from the millions out there, and I loved the way she wrote. Every word was a lyric in itself, it had music to it. Words that showed emotion, kisses dissolved in tea cups and memories stored in boxes with lace ribbons to keep them safe. After a few posts they did become sickly sweet but she did write about things besides love and emotion. It was wonderful the way she spoke of memories and feelings. It was like falling in love. In midst of my marvel my friend calls and I answer, half intoxicated with the lines I had just been reading. He speaks of the business we were discussing a little while ago and I cut him in between to tell him of the remarkable blog that I had just come across. I tell him of the wonderful way people write and oh how much I would love to write like them. "But you can't", he says, "you are way cynical". Time stops. I had thought of myself as many things but cynical was not one of them. "What do you mean?", I ask him. He answers, "You keep speaking of reality. People don't like that. People love to dream. Keep reality in check. Of course they know of it but it is so depressing. Tell them dreams and they will love it". I agree with him just to end the conversation. Stronger thoughts and questions had come up inside of me. The telephone call ends and I sit back to think some more; to prepare my thoughts and write this post. I think to myself, "He is not right, I am not cynical". All I do is see things as they are or try to do so. It is he who believes that things, as they are, are depressing. I see them, true. But I do not judge them. Why cannot reality be beautiful? Why is it so depressing to see it in its true form? Perhaps we make some mistakes and expect more from less and disappoint ourselves but that is no fault of matter or of reality. I merely choose to embrace the truth. I cannot say that I do because it is not an easily done deal, but yes I choose to.

I begin this post like I usually begin all my posts - without preparation. I find that it is the only way to write from the heart and not sound like a matter prepared over hours of deliberation with depth of precision. Perhaps there will come a time when I shall be able to write and emote at the same time, with preparedness. But now is not it. I shall write in both ways, I decide. And at some point those two will come together and help me write my masterpiece. Till then I remain...far far away from cynicism.  

The Good life series....

The Chinese write in symbols they call "Ideagrams". One of the more peculiar ones is that of the word "Crisis". It is actually the combined form of two words ideagrams - "Danger" and "Opportunity". It is the Chinese way of saying that every crisis is a danger and opportunity combined in one. I must say that more often than not Life agrees with their ancient wisdom.

Every time there is a problem - it produces an chance to make things even better than before. Every failure gives way for an opportunity to make it an even better success. Every argument gives way for a show of faith in the other;  a way for better understanding and mutual trust; and of care. Life gives us chances but we just don't take them up.

Whenever we say that life is not fair, we are missing the point. Chances are disguised as crises. I read somewhere that when we ask God for love in the family, he does not give love in the family but instead creates situations where there can be love in the family. When we ask for joy, he does not give joy but gives way for events and circumstances where we can give and receive joy. It is when we fail to do so that we hurt ourselves and feel pain. That too is a time when we can love our loved ones and share a little joke in the times of despair. There again is the chance to heal old wounds and form stronger bonds among one another. Again, another crisis, another chance to make things better.

Even with all this wisdom, I fail to make good use of the chances life gives me. Just that these times slip by when one is not careful

This label is just to be a reminder to make sure that the ideas don't slip by when there is an opportunity at hand. Small things that can be a reminder of the bigger picture, small things that can make those times, in between struggles, fun. This is my list for them.

So here goes...

2 people

There was a time when we were unafraid. Just babies then, we explored this world. Everything was new and everything was an adventure. We discovered food and love, joy and pain. They were all new and they were all fun. It was only when we grew older that we discovered fear, jealousy and disappointed. We found that hurt could come from something as soft as someone else's words. We became afraid of this new world. All was not well and there were times when we could not have what we wanted.We were disappointed. We found that there are bad people and bad things. We stayed away but wondered about them. Sometimes we ventured towards them. Sometimes we were the bad people. Slowly we accepted that some bad is Ok. That some bad is needed to survive in this big bad world. People lied to us - we discovered distrust. We ourselves were not pristine, and we really meant no harm, yet we are untruthful at times. How then can some one else be all good? We were hurt before and we had lied to protect ourselves, lied to make sure we could survive. How can we believe the words that come from someone else? We do not trust ourselves so how can we trust another?

2 such people meet. Each with his and her own fears, each with his and her own lies. And they look at the other to find love.

I fail to find ideas, sentences or words to complete this piece........

Felicitas Adieu

She came unannounced, unexpected

like a cool breeze on hot summer noon

with a smile that betrayed knowledge 

of my desire to see her again.

She was here, she said, finally

And I stood aghast

for I had waited for this moment forever

But now knew not what to do

For I had loved her and wanted her

All throughout time

and toiled tirelessly against fate

to embrace her in my arms

She had been my muse

my goal and my love

and now that she stood in arms reach

I stand lost and bemused

What had changed? I ask myself

Have I become vain or have I become wise?

Why is this moment so apart from the way

I had imagined it in my times of despair and loneliness

Why do I now stand hesitant

unable to move, unwanting to touch

Lost and confused, yet

calm and clear at the same time

I had changed and so had she

(Work in Progress)

At the cross roads again

Life has a funny way of coming at me. I was looking for the most comfortable way out and I got the the toughest way in. Life gave me an offer I cannot refuse. Or can I?
The gates are open. The same gates through which I once dreamed of passing through. The halls I wished I could roam. Now they beckon me and I stand paralyzed. Life has a funny way indeed.

I have always asked from life and been refused. I wanted the best and was given the second best. Mind you, it was always commensurate with the effort that I put in. And when the sheen had gone and I had given up hope, it would present itself. The question is how I receive it once it finally comes to me. These objects of my desire. They come to me, or should I say, life gives them to me only when I give up trying.
What is the lesson here? Or is this all merely chance? I don't think I am wise enough to know yet but I will trudge on. There is hope that all that which is refused to me now, will one day come calling and I shall stand judging whether it is still worth my time. Gives me a sense of power this. But I know from my experience, however insignificant, that this too is a test, one I must pass carefully and with humility. If all that I have asked and all that I will ask is to eventually bow down to me, then I better make sure I ask for the right things and keep my peace till they finally break under my persuasions. And in the end I remain with a notion that all this too perhaps mean nothing more than illusions.
But I have hope. Hope and my stubbornness.
I shall win this one too.
   

I have no colour

There is a problem with me. I have no color, no sound, no feel of my own. I am monochrome, bland and blank. Are you?

Come to think of it, a very few of us really have some color to them. Very few of us sound different from the millions of others that are around us. Very few of us make a difference by our very existence. We have no color.

You might say you make a difference. Your family loves you. Your friends want you around them. But are you that much different from the multitude of people around you. They are the same as you. They too have families that adore them and friends who think well of them. How can you claim that you are of a different hue. If they put us all against the wall, we would all be the same. Each replaceable by the other. Each with his existence defined by others. Each dependent on the dependents. We are all the same. We have no color.

So where does one find color? Where does one find something unique in himself? How is my existence defined if it is to be independent of the perceptions and beliefs and opinions of others? Who am I and what answer will I get if I ask myself that question and there was no one else but me to hear the answer?

Something to think about.