The search for meaning continues.....

I tried learning how to play the guitar. I tried to become fit. I tried to become smart. I tried to become educated. I even tried my hand at trying to become a ladies man. All in the search of a meaning to myself.

Honestly speaking, I am not happy at the present state of affairs. Or should I say that I am not content with it. I have a vision of where they might lead to and a hope that I will be happy then. But time and past experiences have taught me that I these events in the moving have never made me truly happy. The feeling evaporates after those precious few moments when you achieve something that you had feared you might lose, just a moment ago.

I once told myself that I will be happy traveling through the length of my life enjoying whatever happiness came along the way. I still want to believe it. But sometimes I ask whether it truly is happiness or am I just telling myself that it is. The cook did not come today. I heated the dal from yesterday and scooped out a little of the cold dish from day before yesterday. I toasted some bread and sat down to eat all this with coriander chutney. I ate like a king. There was some charm to the heating of the dal and the simplicity of the preparation and the fact that a no-gooder like me could now find my way in the kitchen. I felt like a King. Then I promplty went back to working on my college applications which would then get me accepted in a good school which would then give me a career which would then give me time and money which would then let me sit down on an idle afternoon and eat dal and bread and chutney in peace. What the hell is going on? Why can't I just have dal and bread and chutney and give up on the applications and the career and the hard work?

I think the answer is somewhere in the feeling of getting there. Happiness of reaching somewhere would be useless without those moments when you feel that you are almost there. The fun of summer vacations must have started just a few days before the last day. The uneasy feeling and the yearning for the days to get over and the final bell and then HURRAAAYY....!!!! I always felt disappointed by the holiday activities but the build up to the last day of school was delicious. May be thats why we work so hard. Not to achieve but to feel that we are achieving. Somewhere it keeps up believing that we are getting some where and that things are getting better or getting closer to getting better.

I just hope these journeys keep happening.....!!!