Being alone

I am 25 years old. I am way too young to feel bad about being alone. All thats happened is that I saw a depressing movie, thats all. And I will be fine in a little while. But life is about savoring the different flavors and I guess this is one of them. Why should I let it go without exploring...?

The past few weeks have been less than ideal. My focus on my work has been shitty and there have not been many bright sparks of inspiration. My best friend and out and out flirt was happily chatting away with his fiancée at 1 O clock at night on his birthday and he had to take permission from her to speak to me (When I was wishing him). Cute. But just made me feel more alone. So it had not been that great. Kinda makes the whole situation shitty, yes shitty. And I don't know what to do.

The movie was about a guy so comfortable with his travelling job that he finds family and home a burden and is actually more comfortable in the sky and in airports, when he is travelling. He scoffs at relationships and love and family and friends and all else that lesser mortals cling on to. Only in the end, when he realizes that he has been missing something, he finds out that the person he hoped to now share his life with actually has a life and family of her own. He just returns to the existence that he comes from.

The last line in the movie is this -

“Tonight most people will be welcomed by jumping dogs and squealing kids, their spouses will ask about their day tonight. They will sleep. The stars will wheel forth from their daytime hiding places, and one of those lights, slightly brighter than the rest will be my wingtip passing over.”

Thats one of the reasons I want to have a job where I can be home with the people I love. That is one of the reasons I left my job. Thats why I want to do a Phd and become a prof and what not....
But thats not the content of this post now is it?

The reason I am writing this is because I suddenly felt a void in me. I looked around for help and a little consolation and was immediately given the same, but completely misunderstood. I think I had more need to be understood than loved at that moment.

I figured that my teens passed me over without any problems. I guessed I just deferred them some how. I am all misunderstood and confused. I don't know what I want and I don't know what to do. Like a god damn teenager.....

Damn, this is embarrassing.... I think I need a girlfriend...

Later