Real life vs the Dreams

I always seem to have the perfect line when it comes to dreams. When I am imagining things they seem to fall in place so beautifully. Why is that?

When the same situations come in real life I don't seem to know what to do. Maybe the trick to writing a good story would be to put myself in the place of the characters and imagine the situation and then just let the characters live it out there. But this is not about writing stories. This is about my life and how I need to reduce the gap between the real and the dreams that I keep having.

Maybe I need to live a double life. One as the clueless bastard that I am and the other as the the fella I want to be. It is not what I will do in the moment but what the character me would do in that moment.

This might actually work out. So does mu character have a name and a job or is he just going to be like me - without a job but with a name???

Well well
lets see how that comes out to be.

tata

Expectations and a new beginning

It is quite something now. I have started on a very un-predictable road. What am I doing here? Where is my mind taking me? Where is it now? Where should it be?

I have difficulty sitting in one place and concentrating on one thing and I am planning to take on this activity for the next 4 years. Am I crazy? Will I be able to beat this inability of mine. In believing that I have to defeat an inability I must believe that I can do anything. I must believe that there is nothing I cannot do. And the most difficult of these challenges will be doing something that I dislike so that I am able to achieve what I want.

Damn this is all so confusing.

Defeating an inability. How does one defeat an inability. Plus there are the expectations.

Expectations of people who believed that I have already started off on a life, expectations of the people who now think that I will achieve great things, un-imaginable heights, Expectations of people who think I have made a huge mistake and I will fall face forward.

This is really scary. I am afraid. I am so afraid that when I begin to walk the path on the road I have chosen - I freeze. Each step I take I fear I will fail and I stop before I take it. I begin to write something and I stop fearing that I will fail.

Wherever you fear, there you will find him, your greatest enemy.

Leap of faith.....

Later then
tata

 

Today I quit

I put in my papers today. It was quite a feeling. But I enjoyed it all yesterday. I was out with 2 of my colleagues and we had a blast.

But I still can't let go of the feeling of responsibility. I mean - i still can't stop worrying about the area and how it will perform. I still worry about the boys that work under me.

I guess it will be 2 more months of torture for me.

I will try to take it easy though. hehe
lets see how things pan out

Travelling by bus.....

It is the best part of my job. Travelling from one place to another, that too by bus. It is pretty much the same when I travel by auto but that happens only in the cities. When I am travelling long distances between far flung cities - that is the best part. I love the way I feel when that happens.

I am a lazy fella. But I hate the feeling of not doing anything. A constant feeling keeps nagging at me that I am wasting time and not doing anything. The guilt ruins the lazing around as well. But here is the beauty of the bus ride. I am going from one place to another. Action is happening. There is nothing else I am supposed to do in the meantime. I can just be and there is no nagging feeling, no guilt, no nothing. Just the wind in my face and the scenery of the North Karnataka villages passing by in front of me.

I love the feeling of being in motion. I don't feel idle. I feel like I am going somewhere. Whatever work I have to do is there and not here. I will have to face whatever I have to face there and not here. Here I can just be, snooze perhaps and there is no nagging feeling of guilt, guilt of not doing anything.

The scenes are beautiful. Large fields, farmers, cattle, trees and mountains in the distance. The roads wind here and there, up and down, the worn out shock absorbers making squeaking sounds with every bump. Sometimes there is some chattering and sometimes there isn't, but even when there is, after a while it lulls into the background. There is a feeling of bliss. A feeling of no expectation. Nothing is to come out of this time. All is at peace with itself.

I don't feel the same way when I am in a train because I mostly travel AC and there is no wind in my face, the scenery passes away behind tinted glass and the sounds I hear are of the passengers inside. Air travel is no fun either because there is a lot of excitement during the take off and I try to pretend that this is my first time all over again and I try to imagine what a person from the past who has never even thought that we could fly would think and feel at this moment. But afterwards it is bland ...with a lot of clouds and nothing else...

Gimme Bus rides any day....

I traveled with the DSE I fired. He is to finish his remaining time here - till the end of the month. When I asked him to get a bottle of water - I requested him as I always do and he smiled at me. I later told him that it was not because he was on notice, I always request these things and not simply ask. He replied- but that was nothing. It does not matter that now he is no longer going to be with the company - "Aap to mere boss ho Sir...woh thodi na.." He left it there and so did I. This is the first job I have taken. I hope I never have to again..

see ya later

tata

An Engagement and a Firing

I was standing on the roof my Office building. It was windy and the scrap reels of film dumped on the office roof were flying all over the place. Some got stuck in a corner and it looked like it was dancing in the wind. The sky looked beautiful, as if god was looking down at the city below. I just found out that an old friend had got engaged and that tomorrow I was to fire one of my DSEs.

Life can come at you in very strange ways. We as a team are under extreme pressure. And I guess this fella is the first victim. Is he the sufferer the victim or is he first to be free from the hell we have all been through the past few weeks. There are a number of problems that we are facing and definitely it is mostly our fault. But it is not all our fault and it would have been nice if someone acknowledged it once in a while. This fellow I am going to fire will be the first real victim.

He has been through some tough times recently and that too in a very bad time professionally for him. It all snowballed into what he is in now. I have never fired a person before. I have never said those words. I don't know how I am going to tell him and how I am going to refuse when he asks for more time. Strange similarity to death. As if I know the impending doom that is coming for him and I feel guilty for not letting him know, that I know.

My friend who is getting engaged is a dear old friend of mine. Even though we have been out of touch for perhaps 7 years. We had some very good times. At some point we were pretty close and I as a habit love to cherish moments I have spent with people even if later on the relationship might have gone sour. It is not so in this case, we simply grew apart. I wonder if she even remembers me. I wonder if she remembers we were such good friends. I wonder what I am going to tell the poor fella tomorrow when I go to see him.

My life was supposed to change for the better from today on. From Monday on. Today is Tuesday. It has to do with a little superstitious thing that I did, something I like to believe in. Will it all fall apart before it all gets better. Is the world going to crash so that it can grow back in the way that I truly want it. I don't know. I can only wait and yes keep trying....

I will keep trying...

Facebook | Neeraj Bukalsaria's Photos - Bleach

Facebook | Neeraj Bukalsaria's Photos - Bleach

Just checking a new "blog this" option from Chrome....

Well, well....

Isshin is here....who knows what will happen. Things should heat up big time - especially with Gin entering the game with his Ban-kai...

Lets see what next Thursday brings us.

Girls - the amazing Revelation- Part 2

In the last post I wrote how I have been wrong about Girls all my life. I also said how I asked my very good friend to marry me and how that turned out.... Here is the rest.

My friend who I asked to marry me....

We still joke about it. It is so easy to talk with her and to be with her. She is the perfect friend. But we were just not right when it came to ...well...living like a couple.

This is when the bulb went off in my head. Later on after a drinking binge with a few of my office pals, we sat down discussing the women in our life - we are men now- so we say women instead of girls. I shared about this particular episode and one guy responded - Why spoil a perfect friendship, why settle for 1 when you can have 2. When you have a fight with your wife or when she does not understand, your friend can be the one to console you, advise you. The bulb in my head grew brighter. Another day, I was tired and beat but pretty elated because I thought on my feet under great pressure and figured out a way to save the day. I was feeling cocky and sure of myself. I love that feeling- the feeling that I can do anything. I just called up one of my gal pals - someone I had stopped keeping in touch coz she was ....well like the other girls - the ones who would go out with you just because she wants to eat out - not because she wants to eat out with you. I called her up - got all cocky - teased her a lot - in ways I could never pull off if I was down in the dumps, and had a great time. Why did I ever stop being in touch with her? I did so because I was just another guy she could call because she did not want to eat alone. I was not special to her, like I am to the friend I talked about before. AND that is where I was wrong.

She need not be the supporting sort. She can just be the fun Time pass buddy. She need not be even that all the time. When the time comes and I ask her out and she has other plans - I just need to ask someone else. Whenever I related to women, I always thought that they should be perfect - that they should be understanding and caring and fun and all that at all times. I know it sounds crazy, it sounds that way to me as well - but I guess it was all in the back of my mind. Coz if it was more obvious to me, I would have trashed the idea long ago. Well better late than never.

Now I know and it is like the fire brought down by Prometheus.

Now when I want to go out - There is someone I call. If she has other plans - There is someone else I call. When I need to air my feelings - there is someone else I reach out to. The best part is that I no longer wish that any body will act the same way, be the same supportive pal all the time. And suddenly the world of women is all solved for me.

All I need to do is not push them away from me. Just give them the space that they want - not ask for something that they can't give - Just....ask some one else....

I guess I will need to know quite a few of these gals but hey....if I don't push them away...I am quite a charming fella, I think I could do quite well.

Well dudes...If you guys can pick something out of all that I put in and benefit from it....send in a thanks.

Later then

tata

Girls - the amazing Revelation- Part 1

I was wrong about them all this time.......

Every single one I met was different from the one before. And, I am ashamed to say this, I hardly appreciated what they were to me.

From the very beginning when I was a child I wanted to have a Best Friend. Some one who will always be there for me and I will always be there for him. Yes, then it was a guy I saw in that position. I used to think that we would have houses next to each other and life would be great. Or so I think I used to think. Come 3rd Std and I figured that only a girl could figure in that role. I was still confused about it all but it just seemed right. At the time it was a cute south Indian gal whose plaits I used to pull all the time - even called her "Chonti". As the years went by I guess all the best friend stuff got discarded and the Girlfriend concept came into being. I was in 9th Std and I still found the entire concept funny - Interesting but funny. By the time I actually accidentally fell in a relationship - Some one pointed it out to us that we were going around, we looked at each other grinned and said -"Yeah, I guess we are" - I should have figured out what I just figured out now, a few days back, 9 years after when I should have.

I have always been late in this race. This maturity continuum. I have always been behind the times when compared to ordinary population. I wrote in a previous post about this. So basically what I am saying is that I now know what I should have known 9 years before now. What is this new revelation - I will say now.

A girl does not need to be everything. She does not need to be perfect in everything. She does not need to be right every time. For that matter any type of absolute simple need not be.

Seems pretty simple does it not. I could have reasoned this out earlier. But what used to elude me all this while was that it does not need to be Girl. It can be Girls.

Yes, Girls with an "S". Plural. Not one but many.

I wanted all the girls in one girl and that simply was asking for too much. I am not all the guys in one guy, then how can I ask for a girl who is just right for everything.

Ok, Ok, wait!!

I am not saying that I am against monogamy. What I am saying is slightly more grown up than that. Not that polygamy is childish. I am completely for it as long as it does not hurt people. But we digress....

What I am trying to say is that I pushed away every single girl away from me one way or another because I wanted it all from them. They were perfect friends, confidants, advisors and sometimes just good time pass buddies. But I wanted them to be all this, all the time and in all circumstances. It seemed to make sense at that time. Well, the one I will finally live my life with, should be like that. And hopefully I will be all that to her, all the time. Damn, I was so naive.

I have a very good friend. I have know her more more than a decade now, we were not that close all this time - we have become so only now, and she has always been supportive towards me. She was always there when I needed someone to pick me up from those long periods of depression that I get sometimes. She would always call back. She was just perfect.

She was a perfect friend. One fine day- I asked her to marry me.

She did not know whether I was serious or joking. I don't blame her. I did not know If I was serious or joking.

She was not sure which of the two she wanted. I did not know which of the two I wanted.

For the sake of conversation we kept talking about it - This was all happening on phone.

She asked me why I wanted to marry her, and I told her. That she had been there for me all this time, and I have been there for her all this time, she loved being with me, I loved being with her. She loved confiding in me, I loved confiding in her. Even she was convinced that we were perfect for each other. But something was missing and even I knew it.

Its becoming too long a post - will put the rest in the next one...

tata