I have a weakness for them. It has been like that forever. When I look back and see all the women (or girls back then) that I have been attracted to - they were all strong. When I say this please donot start thinking of them women of wrestling, I know a few of you nuts would start thinking of them right away - but that is not what I am talking about. I mean women who are strong emotionally - who seem to make those tough decisions when others can't, the ones on whom you can depend upon. I just fall straight in love with them. Even the characters in movies - I have a special attraction for those tough minded gals. But how to define the characteristic that I find attractive? What does she have that reels me straight in? It is hard to explain. I guess I just need to have some one on my team on whom I can depend upon. A grown up version of my childhood fantasy of having a pal I could grow up with. Some one who could watch my back and I would watch hers. Hehe - you dirty minded freak - I meant that in a good way.
But I wonder what girls in usual think they want. I say 'think' because you never really know what you actually want. Coz here I am hoping I find some one who can give me a run for my money and if the girls are looking for some one who can shelter and protect them - maybe I am looking at a level higher than what I should be. Damn there are so many things to worry about - couldn't this girl thing be any easier...Damn!
Later
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
First, the news - My friend just started to write a blog, I think it will help her get a new perspective of her life and how she wants to live it, and I just saw an episode of Scrubs and now feel immensely inspired by it.
People get their inspirations from such wondrous places - Newton found his from an apple that fell from the tree, Leonardo da vinci and the rest must have had some thing too, Archimedes came up with the theory from the bath tub he was in but then took it to a grade higher by running through the streets naked shouting "Eureka".
Me - My inspirations come from comics, cartoons, movies and comedy serials. I have already written a post about the inspiration I got from a comic in this blog - today is the chance for the Comedy soap to shine!!
First, the confession - I am a whiner, a needy approval junkie, people pleaser and constantly in need for help!!
Ok not all of those at the same time, not necessarily even one all the time. Comprende?
Damn - I better put that disclaimer banner soon or shits gonna fall from heaven - on my head.
So here is the deal - I know somewhere in my head that I am all these things so I make sure that they don't show. Most of the time when I am of saving the world (read - doing office work or being responsible for something) I don't even feel the presence of these little quirks of mine - but when I let loose and be myself, oops I am in trouble.
I like to be assured that I am doing the right thing by some one who I respect - this is usually someone who i feel can do the job at hand better or seems to know how not to let these worries worry him or her. Any one who shows me up on any job becomes immediately some one who I worship - Disclaimer - not all the time - this happens in moments of extreme weakness. Damn!!
And now I think I need to remedy it - that too when I am up against some tough decisions which can make or break my career no wait my life!!
So what to do - fight my demons just when I need these crutches that I depend upon the most - or you know - postpone the whole problem for when there are clear blue skies?? Damn!!!
My mentor seems to have gotten wind of the fact already - he is already cutting the umbilical cord - Asking me to make my own decisions. See if I follow keep following his lead I will end up some place lower than if I do things myself and depend on myself. And it makes perfect sense - If I need his help all the time then I guess I am better off at a lower competition place! So there - Keep asking for directions - thus prove that you are incompetent and determined to stay that way - so go to the lesser place. Follow your own lead - thus prove that you are determined to change your habits and become self reliant - a quality you will need to survive in a tougher more prestigious situation - thus prove your worth and go to a better higher place.
Where do I get these brilliant ideas - from comedy soaps!
My ideas are great.
I suck!!
Later.
People get their inspirations from such wondrous places - Newton found his from an apple that fell from the tree, Leonardo da vinci and the rest must have had some thing too, Archimedes came up with the theory from the bath tub he was in but then took it to a grade higher by running through the streets naked shouting "Eureka".
Me - My inspirations come from comics, cartoons, movies and comedy serials. I have already written a post about the inspiration I got from a comic in this blog - today is the chance for the Comedy soap to shine!!
First, the confession - I am a whiner, a needy approval junkie, people pleaser and constantly in need for help!!
Ok not all of those at the same time, not necessarily even one all the time. Comprende?
Damn - I better put that disclaimer banner soon or shits gonna fall from heaven - on my head.
So here is the deal - I know somewhere in my head that I am all these things so I make sure that they don't show. Most of the time when I am of saving the world (read - doing office work or being responsible for something) I don't even feel the presence of these little quirks of mine - but when I let loose and be myself, oops I am in trouble.
I like to be assured that I am doing the right thing by some one who I respect - this is usually someone who i feel can do the job at hand better or seems to know how not to let these worries worry him or her. Any one who shows me up on any job becomes immediately some one who I worship - Disclaimer - not all the time - this happens in moments of extreme weakness. Damn!!
And now I think I need to remedy it - that too when I am up against some tough decisions which can make or break my career no wait my life!!
So what to do - fight my demons just when I need these crutches that I depend upon the most - or you know - postpone the whole problem for when there are clear blue skies?? Damn!!!
My mentor seems to have gotten wind of the fact already - he is already cutting the umbilical cord - Asking me to make my own decisions. See if I follow keep following his lead I will end up some place lower than if I do things myself and depend on myself. And it makes perfect sense - If I need his help all the time then I guess I am better off at a lower competition place! So there - Keep asking for directions - thus prove that you are incompetent and determined to stay that way - so go to the lesser place. Follow your own lead - thus prove that you are determined to change your habits and become self reliant - a quality you will need to survive in a tougher more prestigious situation - thus prove your worth and go to a better higher place.
Where do I get these brilliant ideas - from comedy soaps!
My ideas are great.
I suck!!
Later.
Readers beware...!!
It is actually writers beware. It is nice that people read my blog and I kinda feel good about it. My friends know about it and I like to think that I am speaking to them when I write. But it also makes me be a little careful of what I write. Just the other day I saw a number of really cool pics which I wanted to share but the thought of all my lady friends kinda put it off. Then there was a obnoxious thought I had the last time and I wanted to blow it all out here but I stopped thinking that it would make me feel weak. Now that should not happen to a blog right?
You gotta write the way you feel.
So this is what I am planning to do. I am gonna stick a disclaimer on top - right below the name banner saying that the thoughts expressed below are the authors and the authors alone but mind you - only at the time they were written. So what I am trying to say is that if I sometimes come across as a lunatic or a sexually frustrated nutcase or a suicidal maniac...its just the way I was feeling then - Not me entirely. You have no idea how much effort it took to write the last line.
Damn. I will have to think of some mighty tricky but convincing wording for the banner.
Later
You gotta write the way you feel.
So this is what I am planning to do. I am gonna stick a disclaimer on top - right below the name banner saying that the thoughts expressed below are the authors and the authors alone but mind you - only at the time they were written. So what I am trying to say is that if I sometimes come across as a lunatic or a sexually frustrated nutcase or a suicidal maniac...its just the way I was feeling then - Not me entirely. You have no idea how much effort it took to write the last line.
Damn. I will have to think of some mighty tricky but convincing wording for the banner.
Later
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Monday, August 16, 2010
Facebook and catch up
Sometimes all I do on facebook is to look up my old friends and look at their pictures. Some sort of catch up on their lives. These people I knew so well. I saw them every day. Now we would probably pass across each other on the streets and not notice the other if some one did not point it out or we did not look directly at each other.
They have changed so much. I know that no one puts pictures with them looking worried - only smiles...!! But still I like to look at their faces and try and tell how they have been. They say that you always project your own mindset onto other people. When I see them I sure don't feel they are going through any of the crap I am going thru. Maybe I have not fallen too much then. They all look so happy. So complete - maybe I am jealous. I see a picture of a guy hugging his girlfriend. She is not your regular poster type beauty. She looks smart, some one with whom you have to contend with for some time before you finally get her to see it your way. Not some one you can sway away with a smile and sharp dressing or chocolates and loads of false pretentious doting. She would see it through before she fell for you. All this of course is imagination. I have never met her and am no expert on face reading. But he looks so happy. I am jealous. Not that he has this girl. She might be so not right for me. But he has some one with whom he looks happy. Maybe he really is. I hope he really is. I hope I will too some day. I too will come across my kinda gal. And when I find her what will I say? When I meet her what will I do? I don't have a clue..... :)
Maybe that is the problem...!!
haha
Later fellas.
They have changed so much. I know that no one puts pictures with them looking worried - only smiles...!! But still I like to look at their faces and try and tell how they have been. They say that you always project your own mindset onto other people. When I see them I sure don't feel they are going through any of the crap I am going thru. Maybe I have not fallen too much then. They all look so happy. So complete - maybe I am jealous. I see a picture of a guy hugging his girlfriend. She is not your regular poster type beauty. She looks smart, some one with whom you have to contend with for some time before you finally get her to see it your way. Not some one you can sway away with a smile and sharp dressing or chocolates and loads of false pretentious doting. She would see it through before she fell for you. All this of course is imagination. I have never met her and am no expert on face reading. But he looks so happy. I am jealous. Not that he has this girl. She might be so not right for me. But he has some one with whom he looks happy. Maybe he really is. I hope he really is. I hope I will too some day. I too will come across my kinda gal. And when I find her what will I say? When I meet her what will I do? I don't have a clue..... :)
Maybe that is the problem...!!
haha
Later fellas.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Surviving the launch
I am beginning a new journey. And the beginning it killing me.
I just left my job for an academic career. The whole idea of sweating it out to earn an honest days wages didn't seem to work for me. I wanted to use what god has given me....what's wrong in that?
So here I am ....trying to get a decent idea in a decent form so that a decent enough college will give me a decent enough stipend to spend the next 3-4-5 years completing what I claim now that I can complete. Sounds pretty stupid doesn't it. Well its killing me. Already!!!
Every minute I spend marveling at the amount there is to study, I have a minute marveling at the size of a fool I have been all these years. I should have made a move right then. In the beginning of my undergraduate studies but we never have enough brains then. And when we do -- So much time has passed and so much cost has sunk in that it seems impossible to follow the path of righteousness. No, you want to keep on working for the tyrannical boss in the bad company with the lousy pay and the stress laced blood pressure coz you don't wanna go thru the guilt trip. But here I am folks....look at me and cry....I fought it all off..... I shed the shackles that had bound me and am now free to embrace the guilt of being an ass all these years. Yeah laugh haha !!
Damn man, its killing me...!!
later
I just left my job for an academic career. The whole idea of sweating it out to earn an honest days wages didn't seem to work for me. I wanted to use what god has given me....what's wrong in that?
So here I am ....trying to get a decent idea in a decent form so that a decent enough college will give me a decent enough stipend to spend the next 3-4-5 years completing what I claim now that I can complete. Sounds pretty stupid doesn't it. Well its killing me. Already!!!
Every minute I spend marveling at the amount there is to study, I have a minute marveling at the size of a fool I have been all these years. I should have made a move right then. In the beginning of my undergraduate studies but we never have enough brains then. And when we do -- So much time has passed and so much cost has sunk in that it seems impossible to follow the path of righteousness. No, you want to keep on working for the tyrannical boss in the bad company with the lousy pay and the stress laced blood pressure coz you don't wanna go thru the guilt trip. But here I am folks....look at me and cry....I fought it all off..... I shed the shackles that had bound me and am now free to embrace the guilt of being an ass all these years. Yeah laugh haha !!
Damn man, its killing me...!!
later
Thursday, August 05, 2010
Being alone
I am 25 years old. I am way too young to feel bad about being alone. All thats happened is that I saw a depressing movie, thats all. And I will be fine in a little while. But life is about savoring the different flavors and I guess this is one of them. Why should I let it go without exploring...?
The past few weeks have been less than ideal. My focus on my work has been shitty and there have not been many bright sparks of inspiration. My best friend and out and out flirt was happily chatting away with his fiancée at 1 O clock at night on his birthday and he had to take permission from her to speak to me (When I was wishing him). Cute. But just made me feel more alone. So it had not been that great. Kinda makes the whole situation shitty, yes shitty. And I don't know what to do.
The movie was about a guy so comfortable with his travelling job that he finds family and home a burden and is actually more comfortable in the sky and in airports, when he is travelling. He scoffs at relationships and love and family and friends and all else that lesser mortals cling on to. Only in the end, when he realizes that he has been missing something, he finds out that the person he hoped to now share his life with actually has a life and family of her own. He just returns to the existence that he comes from.
The last line in the movie is this -
“Tonight most people will be welcomed by jumping dogs and squealing kids, their spouses will ask about their day tonight. They will sleep. The stars will wheel forth from their daytime hiding places, and one of those lights, slightly brighter than the rest will be my wingtip passing over.”
Thats one of the reasons I want to have a job where I can be home with the people I love. That is one of the reasons I left my job. Thats why I want to do a Phd and become a prof and what not....
But thats not the content of this post now is it?
The reason I am writing this is because I suddenly felt a void in me. I looked around for help and a little consolation and was immediately given the same, but completely misunderstood. I think I had more need to be understood than loved at that moment.
I figured that my teens passed me over without any problems. I guessed I just deferred them some how. I am all misunderstood and confused. I don't know what I want and I don't know what to do. Like a god damn teenager.....
Damn, this is embarrassing.... I think I need a girlfriend...
Later
The past few weeks have been less than ideal. My focus on my work has been shitty and there have not been many bright sparks of inspiration. My best friend and out and out flirt was happily chatting away with his fiancée at 1 O clock at night on his birthday and he had to take permission from her to speak to me (When I was wishing him). Cute. But just made me feel more alone. So it had not been that great. Kinda makes the whole situation shitty, yes shitty. And I don't know what to do.
The last line in the movie is this -
“Tonight most people will be welcomed by jumping dogs and squealing kids, their spouses will ask about their day tonight. They will sleep. The stars will wheel forth from their daytime hiding places, and one of those lights, slightly brighter than the rest will be my wingtip passing over.”
Thats one of the reasons I want to have a job where I can be home with the people I love. That is one of the reasons I left my job. Thats why I want to do a Phd and become a prof and what not....
But thats not the content of this post now is it?
The reason I am writing this is because I suddenly felt a void in me. I looked around for help and a little consolation and was immediately given the same, but completely misunderstood. I think I had more need to be understood than loved at that moment.
I figured that my teens passed me over without any problems. I guessed I just deferred them some how. I am all misunderstood and confused. I don't know what I want and I don't know what to do. Like a god damn teenager.....
Damn, this is embarrassing.... I think I need a girlfriend...
Later
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