I was boxed in the side upper berth in an overnight train to Indore and had nothing better to do, so I started thinking (Isn't it strange that we do this activity only when we have nothing else to do). Just now ....I can't remember what it was. There was some reference to people being hypocrites and ...yes....how to be happy and remain so. Better I write about the second part.
The question is - Will I ever be happy? To answer this one has to hazard the even worse question - What is happiness? I was speaking to my cousin the same time and he told me that he was already living the life that I was working towards. He means to say that he has some idea as to the life that I want. I wonder how? When I myself am clueless about it. I suppose he meant that he was carefree and that he wanted things to slow down. It is a feeling that I had also wished for for quite some time. I wanted things to take a break. Wanted to stop and relax and enjoy the fruits of all that hard work or patience or whatever that has been happening till now. Some place in time and space where I can close my eyes and not be afraid that I might oversleep. That I can wake up whenever I wake up and it would make no difference. But that time never came. It was one test after another. Something was always passing me by. Someone was always getting ahead of me. If there was no one to compete, there was always your own aspirations. It was a constant race. For my cousin that race has stopped, temporarily he agrees. Why do I not envy him then? This is what I had always wanted. Or is it?
It is not completely true. But then hardly anything is. I had always wished this break for myself but lately I have had reason to believe that such a break will only make me more anxious and stir crazy. You know the feeling you get when you are on a holiday and there is no place to go. Or when you have some time on your hand and there is nothing good on TV. That is the feeling I get when I stand still.
I have given up the hopes and desires for an Audi and a yacht and a house the size of Marlinespike. But I am still on for the good life and the pleasures in it. A job that makes me wake up early in the morning and go to work when I feel otherwise, does not figure in it. My cousin's world may be suspended in a time where things are not moving too fast for him to notice, but they are moving still the same. There will soon be a time when he has to say "Enough" and move on to the next test. I wish for a life where there is nothing else to prove. No more tests.
And in all this there is the need of having someone to share it with. Watching the sunrise is so much more fun when someone squeezes your hand as the first rays hit you. Ignoring the call you don't want to pick is not the same if there is no one you can pass a impish smile to as you put the phone on silent. Trouble is finding some one with the same definition of paradise as you. So the search continues and therefore the tests continue.
Sighhhhhhh........
Well at least it is a little fun....!!
Later
It is not completely true. But then hardly anything is. I had always wished this break for myself but lately I have had reason to believe that such a break will only make me more anxious and stir crazy. You know the feeling you get when you are on a holiday and there is no place to go. Or when you have some time on your hand and there is nothing good on TV. That is the feeling I get when I stand still.
I have given up the hopes and desires for an Audi and a yacht and a house the size of Marlinespike. But I am still on for the good life and the pleasures in it. A job that makes me wake up early in the morning and go to work when I feel otherwise, does not figure in it. My cousin's world may be suspended in a time where things are not moving too fast for him to notice, but they are moving still the same. There will soon be a time when he has to say "Enough" and move on to the next test. I wish for a life where there is nothing else to prove. No more tests.
And in all this there is the need of having someone to share it with. Watching the sunrise is so much more fun when someone squeezes your hand as the first rays hit you. Ignoring the call you don't want to pick is not the same if there is no one you can pass a impish smile to as you put the phone on silent. Trouble is finding some one with the same definition of paradise as you. So the search continues and therefore the tests continue.
Sighhhhhhh........
Well at least it is a little fun....!!
Later
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