That’s it. I hate everything right now. I have not been able to go to work for 2 days now because I overslept. I don’t have a decent movie with me that I have not seen over 5 times. I am bored as hell and finally when I have some free time and no homework or assignments to do…there are no chicks in my life. I hate everything.
Ever heard of the phrase “Call a spade a spade”. We never call a spade a spade. We mince words, we paraphrase. We make sure that we don’t hurt other people’s feelings. Why do we do that? I mean, can’t someone want to kill someone just then. We sometimes feel that way and we should not be afraid to admit that. I have at times wanted to kill some of the closest people in my life and I love them. It’s just that you get that mad only on the people that you love so much. But no…people will lie and cheat …anything to get into your good graces. Makes them into phonies. Each and every aspect of your life is you. The way you take your bath and the way you make your food. It is all you. If you are a wimp then your food is going to be a wimp as well. The way you wash yourself is going to a sorry thing as well. Writing is much closer a reflection of a person than the way he washes his ass. The way you write really tells you your state of mind. Like I am much cooler than I was when I started writing this piece. Look at me …I am already making excuses for what I am doing and reasoning out things for you so that you don’t misunderstand me. I am making sure that you like me. But when I started I just did not care.
But I am angry right now. I don’t know why, but I am. Things are getting out of hand. I am no longer in control. Things are in control of me. The job, the place, the sleep, the laptop…everything. I was so in control for some time now. I was a renegade. I was a rebel. I was happy.
I don’t even know how to start the next para. How sad is that?
I need a change of place. Something fresh. Maybe I will move out of here and live in that AC dormitory in Parkstreet. No privacy there but it is an idea. I am getting too comfortable here. When I came here I was ready for anything. The weather, the people, the pain the humiliation..et all. But now things are different. I have gotten comfortable. Nice and fat. I know of ways to cheat. I know how to skip work. I know how to lessen my work load. I know that small extravagances are no longer an issue. I know that I can get away with sundry other things that reduce my work and make my life easier…more comfortable. I am no longer a warrior…I am a fucking bureaucrat.
Sheesh…it was bound to happen huh? I know that no reward or result is any fun or even satisfying if there was no effort or pain that went into it. I have already established that. Maybe it is not the same for everybody. No, I am not the scum of the universe. I am not worse than everybody and everybody is definitely not same or better than me. I used to think that so that I don’t get cocky. But no…people are a lot more daft than I am. Well quite a few people are. So I better get my perspective right. So people might like the free lunches and the extra pay and the raises without any effort or work …just like the salesmen I work with want from me. But not me. I might like the idea. I love the idea. Who does not want to get some freebies now and then? Who does not want that raise that he does not deserve? But I know from experience that I might like it initially but I hate it afterwards. It pained me so much that people were so happy and jubilant when they got those jobs of theirs which were so much inferior to mine…yet they were happy. They were crazy happy. Whereas I was just relived when I got mine. Because I knew that it was coming. I knew that I was going to get the job when I was in BTECH. I knew I was going to get the job when I was in MBA. It all came to me so easily. It was not a pain. And I wanted to jump with joy when I got it but all I could do was sigh a breath of relief. That’s what good things do me when they come without a decent price.
God or the system or the force or the great joker who is up there and all, just did not make me a person who can enjoy a free meal. Damn. Or maybe I am not that great a guy. Maybe I do like a free meal. It is just now…maybe a phase, when I don’t. Good then. I don’t want to be like those characters in Ayn Rand novels. Or maybe I do. I don’t know. I just don’t know. It takes a bit of character to even aspire to those ideals as the ones believed by the characters I spoke of.
My head is getting fuzzy with ideas now…
I am losing focus. Signing off…..
tata
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