Real life vs the Dreams

I always seem to have the perfect line when it comes to dreams. When I am imagining things they seem to fall in place so beautifully. Why is that?

When the same situations come in real life I don't seem to know what to do. Maybe the trick to writing a good story would be to put myself in the place of the characters and imagine the situation and then just let the characters live it out there. But this is not about writing stories. This is about my life and how I need to reduce the gap between the real and the dreams that I keep having.

Maybe I need to live a double life. One as the clueless bastard that I am and the other as the the fella I want to be. It is not what I will do in the moment but what the character me would do in that moment.

This might actually work out. So does mu character have a name and a job or is he just going to be like me - without a job but with a name???

Well well
lets see how that comes out to be.

tata

Expectations and a new beginning

It is quite something now. I have started on a very un-predictable road. What am I doing here? Where is my mind taking me? Where is it now? Where should it be?

I have difficulty sitting in one place and concentrating on one thing and I am planning to take on this activity for the next 4 years. Am I crazy? Will I be able to beat this inability of mine. In believing that I have to defeat an inability I must believe that I can do anything. I must believe that there is nothing I cannot do. And the most difficult of these challenges will be doing something that I dislike so that I am able to achieve what I want.

Damn this is all so confusing.

Defeating an inability. How does one defeat an inability. Plus there are the expectations.

Expectations of people who believed that I have already started off on a life, expectations of the people who now think that I will achieve great things, un-imaginable heights, Expectations of people who think I have made a huge mistake and I will fall face forward.

This is really scary. I am afraid. I am so afraid that when I begin to walk the path on the road I have chosen - I freeze. Each step I take I fear I will fail and I stop before I take it. I begin to write something and I stop fearing that I will fail.

Wherever you fear, there you will find him, your greatest enemy.

Leap of faith.....

Later then
tata

 

Today I quit

I put in my papers today. It was quite a feeling. But I enjoyed it all yesterday. I was out with 2 of my colleagues and we had a blast.

But I still can't let go of the feeling of responsibility. I mean - i still can't stop worrying about the area and how it will perform. I still worry about the boys that work under me.

I guess it will be 2 more months of torture for me.

I will try to take it easy though. hehe
lets see how things pan out

Travelling by bus.....

It is the best part of my job. Travelling from one place to another, that too by bus. It is pretty much the same when I travel by auto but that happens only in the cities. When I am travelling long distances between far flung cities - that is the best part. I love the way I feel when that happens.

I am a lazy fella. But I hate the feeling of not doing anything. A constant feeling keeps nagging at me that I am wasting time and not doing anything. The guilt ruins the lazing around as well. But here is the beauty of the bus ride. I am going from one place to another. Action is happening. There is nothing else I am supposed to do in the meantime. I can just be and there is no nagging feeling, no guilt, no nothing. Just the wind in my face and the scenery of the North Karnataka villages passing by in front of me.

I love the feeling of being in motion. I don't feel idle. I feel like I am going somewhere. Whatever work I have to do is there and not here. I will have to face whatever I have to face there and not here. Here I can just be, snooze perhaps and there is no nagging feeling of guilt, guilt of not doing anything.

The scenes are beautiful. Large fields, farmers, cattle, trees and mountains in the distance. The roads wind here and there, up and down, the worn out shock absorbers making squeaking sounds with every bump. Sometimes there is some chattering and sometimes there isn't, but even when there is, after a while it lulls into the background. There is a feeling of bliss. A feeling of no expectation. Nothing is to come out of this time. All is at peace with itself.

I don't feel the same way when I am in a train because I mostly travel AC and there is no wind in my face, the scenery passes away behind tinted glass and the sounds I hear are of the passengers inside. Air travel is no fun either because there is a lot of excitement during the take off and I try to pretend that this is my first time all over again and I try to imagine what a person from the past who has never even thought that we could fly would think and feel at this moment. But afterwards it is bland ...with a lot of clouds and nothing else...

Gimme Bus rides any day....

I traveled with the DSE I fired. He is to finish his remaining time here - till the end of the month. When I asked him to get a bottle of water - I requested him as I always do and he smiled at me. I later told him that it was not because he was on notice, I always request these things and not simply ask. He replied- but that was nothing. It does not matter that now he is no longer going to be with the company - "Aap to mere boss ho Sir...woh thodi na.." He left it there and so did I. This is the first job I have taken. I hope I never have to again..

see ya later

tata

An Engagement and a Firing

I was standing on the roof my Office building. It was windy and the scrap reels of film dumped on the office roof were flying all over the place. Some got stuck in a corner and it looked like it was dancing in the wind. The sky looked beautiful, as if god was looking down at the city below. I just found out that an old friend had got engaged and that tomorrow I was to fire one of my DSEs.

Life can come at you in very strange ways. We as a team are under extreme pressure. And I guess this fella is the first victim. Is he the sufferer the victim or is he first to be free from the hell we have all been through the past few weeks. There are a number of problems that we are facing and definitely it is mostly our fault. But it is not all our fault and it would have been nice if someone acknowledged it once in a while. This fellow I am going to fire will be the first real victim.

He has been through some tough times recently and that too in a very bad time professionally for him. It all snowballed into what he is in now. I have never fired a person before. I have never said those words. I don't know how I am going to tell him and how I am going to refuse when he asks for more time. Strange similarity to death. As if I know the impending doom that is coming for him and I feel guilty for not letting him know, that I know.

My friend who is getting engaged is a dear old friend of mine. Even though we have been out of touch for perhaps 7 years. We had some very good times. At some point we were pretty close and I as a habit love to cherish moments I have spent with people even if later on the relationship might have gone sour. It is not so in this case, we simply grew apart. I wonder if she even remembers me. I wonder if she remembers we were such good friends. I wonder what I am going to tell the poor fella tomorrow when I go to see him.

My life was supposed to change for the better from today on. From Monday on. Today is Tuesday. It has to do with a little superstitious thing that I did, something I like to believe in. Will it all fall apart before it all gets better. Is the world going to crash so that it can grow back in the way that I truly want it. I don't know. I can only wait and yes keep trying....

I will keep trying...

Facebook | Neeraj Bukalsaria's Photos - Bleach

Facebook | Neeraj Bukalsaria's Photos - Bleach

Just checking a new "blog this" option from Chrome....

Well, well....

Isshin is here....who knows what will happen. Things should heat up big time - especially with Gin entering the game with his Ban-kai...

Lets see what next Thursday brings us.

Girls - the amazing Revelation- Part 2

In the last post I wrote how I have been wrong about Girls all my life. I also said how I asked my very good friend to marry me and how that turned out.... Here is the rest.

My friend who I asked to marry me....

We still joke about it. It is so easy to talk with her and to be with her. She is the perfect friend. But we were just not right when it came to ...well...living like a couple.

This is when the bulb went off in my head. Later on after a drinking binge with a few of my office pals, we sat down discussing the women in our life - we are men now- so we say women instead of girls. I shared about this particular episode and one guy responded - Why spoil a perfect friendship, why settle for 1 when you can have 2. When you have a fight with your wife or when she does not understand, your friend can be the one to console you, advise you. The bulb in my head grew brighter. Another day, I was tired and beat but pretty elated because I thought on my feet under great pressure and figured out a way to save the day. I was feeling cocky and sure of myself. I love that feeling- the feeling that I can do anything. I just called up one of my gal pals - someone I had stopped keeping in touch coz she was ....well like the other girls - the ones who would go out with you just because she wants to eat out - not because she wants to eat out with you. I called her up - got all cocky - teased her a lot - in ways I could never pull off if I was down in the dumps, and had a great time. Why did I ever stop being in touch with her? I did so because I was just another guy she could call because she did not want to eat alone. I was not special to her, like I am to the friend I talked about before. AND that is where I was wrong.

She need not be the supporting sort. She can just be the fun Time pass buddy. She need not be even that all the time. When the time comes and I ask her out and she has other plans - I just need to ask someone else. Whenever I related to women, I always thought that they should be perfect - that they should be understanding and caring and fun and all that at all times. I know it sounds crazy, it sounds that way to me as well - but I guess it was all in the back of my mind. Coz if it was more obvious to me, I would have trashed the idea long ago. Well better late than never.

Now I know and it is like the fire brought down by Prometheus.

Now when I want to go out - There is someone I call. If she has other plans - There is someone else I call. When I need to air my feelings - there is someone else I reach out to. The best part is that I no longer wish that any body will act the same way, be the same supportive pal all the time. And suddenly the world of women is all solved for me.

All I need to do is not push them away from me. Just give them the space that they want - not ask for something that they can't give - Just....ask some one else....

I guess I will need to know quite a few of these gals but hey....if I don't push them away...I am quite a charming fella, I think I could do quite well.

Well dudes...If you guys can pick something out of all that I put in and benefit from it....send in a thanks.

Later then

tata

Girls - the amazing Revelation- Part 1

I was wrong about them all this time.......

Every single one I met was different from the one before. And, I am ashamed to say this, I hardly appreciated what they were to me.

From the very beginning when I was a child I wanted to have a Best Friend. Some one who will always be there for me and I will always be there for him. Yes, then it was a guy I saw in that position. I used to think that we would have houses next to each other and life would be great. Or so I think I used to think. Come 3rd Std and I figured that only a girl could figure in that role. I was still confused about it all but it just seemed right. At the time it was a cute south Indian gal whose plaits I used to pull all the time - even called her "Chonti". As the years went by I guess all the best friend stuff got discarded and the Girlfriend concept came into being. I was in 9th Std and I still found the entire concept funny - Interesting but funny. By the time I actually accidentally fell in a relationship - Some one pointed it out to us that we were going around, we looked at each other grinned and said -"Yeah, I guess we are" - I should have figured out what I just figured out now, a few days back, 9 years after when I should have.

I have always been late in this race. This maturity continuum. I have always been behind the times when compared to ordinary population. I wrote in a previous post about this. So basically what I am saying is that I now know what I should have known 9 years before now. What is this new revelation - I will say now.

A girl does not need to be everything. She does not need to be perfect in everything. She does not need to be right every time. For that matter any type of absolute simple need not be.

Seems pretty simple does it not. I could have reasoned this out earlier. But what used to elude me all this while was that it does not need to be Girl. It can be Girls.

Yes, Girls with an "S". Plural. Not one but many.

I wanted all the girls in one girl and that simply was asking for too much. I am not all the guys in one guy, then how can I ask for a girl who is just right for everything.

Ok, Ok, wait!!

I am not saying that I am against monogamy. What I am saying is slightly more grown up than that. Not that polygamy is childish. I am completely for it as long as it does not hurt people. But we digress....

What I am trying to say is that I pushed away every single girl away from me one way or another because I wanted it all from them. They were perfect friends, confidants, advisors and sometimes just good time pass buddies. But I wanted them to be all this, all the time and in all circumstances. It seemed to make sense at that time. Well, the one I will finally live my life with, should be like that. And hopefully I will be all that to her, all the time. Damn, I was so naive.

I have a very good friend. I have know her more more than a decade now, we were not that close all this time - we have become so only now, and she has always been supportive towards me. She was always there when I needed someone to pick me up from those long periods of depression that I get sometimes. She would always call back. She was just perfect.

She was a perfect friend. One fine day- I asked her to marry me.

She did not know whether I was serious or joking. I don't blame her. I did not know If I was serious or joking.

She was not sure which of the two she wanted. I did not know which of the two I wanted.

For the sake of conversation we kept talking about it - This was all happening on phone.

She asked me why I wanted to marry her, and I told her. That she had been there for me all this time, and I have been there for her all this time, she loved being with me, I loved being with her. She loved confiding in me, I loved confiding in her. Even she was convinced that we were perfect for each other. But something was missing and even I knew it.

Its becoming too long a post - will put the rest in the next one...

tata

I am so stuck

When will I get away from this predicament.....

There are times I feel like so taking an extreme step - break away from the whole sham. Take a shot at the wild side. Do something wild. Something crazy. Something that will change the present times to something a little more bearable.

I don't know what to write about. It is so hard at times to even breathe when all the shit is falling on you. I had 3 days of extreme shit falling and then on the 4th day - all my muscles just gave in. There was nothing - didn't feel like speaking or eating or doing anything. I didn't even blast the fellas that report to me. They need an regular blasting else the entire place falls apart.

What the hell is happening....??? Please something happen - something that will change the present pace of things.

What will I wonder.

Please universe come and help me. Please come and change the way things are happening......change the way the things are flowing....the way that the ......oh hell I don't know.

bye

Do you remember me - part 2

I wrote a post about how I have been changing over time. I don't quite remember all that I wrote the last time but I want to say some more.

I have people reporting to me now. That changes a lot. But what I have begun to notice is that now even my cool has a longer fuse than before. I don't seem to lose it as quickly as I used to. Yesterday I was in a high pressure situation in which I would have certainly lost it but I was remarkably cool, even figured out a solution to save the day. I wonder if my friends from school and college will notice this change, but then I was always a little behind the times. I will tell you how....

When I was in school I was probably as mature as I should have been when I was Nursery. Same for when I was in college. I was a nut case then because I was as sensible as I should have been when I was in school. Now I am working. I don't know how much more sense I have from when I was in BSchool. Will there be a difference? Have I caught up with the general population in the growing up race? I guess I will find out when I see my friends from the old times. Maybe they can tell.

I can never tell whether it is stupidity or stubbornness on my part that makes me do such stupid things. And mind you, stupid as defined by the people around me.

I hate to do something that is, as the world defines it, proper if it does not suit me fine. Why should I do anything that I don't want to do. I am not going to quote the Constitution, what I am saying is plain I don't wanna do it then why should I? Am I more conforming now?

I am but as a rebel. I won't do it because I am accepting the logic of it, just that I know if I don't I am going to lose my job. Hate that....

This is where the new set of things come up...I am planning to change my situation, just that it will take some time - the new development here is that I am suddenly comfortable with doing 2 things at the same time. I have always hated multitasking, not with my hands or something but with my brain. I can't seem to put my mind to 2 things at the same time. Now I can or I seem to be able to. It might be that I have accepted the fate that "this is the way the world is going to be so what the hell you better learn this as well" or I might have just learnt a new trick from the book of "Getting things done". Either way, I am now pursuing 2 things and not cursing the universe for it. Whats more...I think I might actually pull it off. I will pull it off.

I hope the next time I put something here - It will be a step up from where I am now....

Ciao...

Mantra

They say inspiration can come from any place at all. Mine come from an animation series.

Cast off your fear

Look forward

Move forward

Never stand still

Retreat and you will age

Hesitate and you will die

After every fight I want to rest. When fighting I keep waiting when it will end. I suffer the time when I am fighting. How can I get better at something I hate.

The outer appearance depends on the dominant power within. When the body is dominated with life it is flesh, when it is dominated with death it is bones. The same reasoning applies to the appearances otherwise as well. When the dominant power is happiness the body looks happy, when the dominant power is fear, the body looks pale.

Whatever you do not use, do not love using, do not appreciate - You lose forever. You can never develop the talent/weapon that you regret having to use.

Do not shy from battle. A battle is something that lasts for eternity. If you defeat one person/problem someone stronger will appear before you. Unless you have the resolve to stand against this eternal cycle, your confidence someday will be shattered. Even then the battle will continue in some other form. As long as there are souls, conflicts will be born and and there will be battles.

One is made of two people. One's ability and one's resolve. One is the king and the other the horse. Together they fight life's battles. But either can be the King or the horse. The difference between the King and the Horse is that the King makes the decisions and the horse obeys, increasing the power of the king.

When one's resolve is King - when one's resolve is stronger than ones ability, it is the resolve that decides the course of action. It controls the ability part of the person. The person can then take things into his hand and not let his ability or disability to restrict him. When one's ability is king - when it is stronger than one's resolve, it makes the decisions. Deciding to fail when it does not match up to the battle.

Either one's resolve is driven by one's ability or his ability is driven by one's resolve.

Seek battle. Don't run from it. Don't regret it. It will find you anyways. Seek it. Enjoy it. Look forward to it. Give more power to resolve than ability.

To actually want to win instead of just getting over with the problem. Never seek to end the battle, seek to win the battle. Never hand over your sword. Never say no to another fight, another challenge.

You seek power and accomplishment, then seek the battle that comes with it. Because the battle will come even if you give up on it. You were born this way, you continuously seek battle - Whatever you have when one battle is over is never good enough for you. You always instinctively seek battle. Give in to that instinct. Revel it. Fight.

Picture worth ....I dont know what...

Funny times.....good times

Remember me?

I have been away for a long time. Life as a Sales guy can give you a lot of lone time. I haven't seen the people who make my life for about a year now. I did go home once in all this time, but never met anyone except my family. That too only for a day but that is not important. I spoke to a very close friend and had a rather hard time understanding what he was saying. That is when it struck me, something was different.

My friend was speaking so fast that I was uncomfortable. Not that I could not understand him but his speed seemed so awkward that it made me uneasy. I asked him why? and he said that I was the one acting strange. He always spoke this way. I never seemed to find it odd. Why was I acting the way that I was? Had I changed?

I am in a completely different environment right now. I have 8 people reporting to me. I am responsible for 1.5 lakhs of business every month. And I have to race to do my targets every 7 days in the month. Have I changed? When I see my friends will they feel I have changed? Will they find me different person?

I hate to even think so but have I grown up? Secretly I hope I have. I hear it is a killer attribute when it comes to bagging the girls.

I think differently about money. I have different choices for my career. I don't worry about things that made me shut myself in a dark room, curl up in a ball on the floor and cry.

So what happened? Am I closer to being me.

Logically speaking I should be. I am away from all the influences that lorded over me till now. I am surviving on my own. Decisions of clothing, food, money - all left to me. I should be coming closer to who I really want to be. No compulsions, no carrying expectations of the people around me. The people I deal with everyday now are ones that can't really screw up the way I think enough to influence my thought process. I mean they can tell me to act in a particular way but not think in any which way they want.

True to all this, I am changing. Question is, where am I headed?

Won't risk even pretending to know the answer to that one. But I am excited. Pretttty excited.

Tell you more later

tata

At Crossroads

Picture Tom Hanks at the end of Castaway. Only this time the character is bald and funny looking, me. And the number of roads are quite a few more than the ones in that scene. The million dollar question - What now?

I was up on a tough road and I completed it. But the decisions were pretty simple. Stay with the life that you are leading or change it. I decided to change it and here I am. I have completed the road and now I am at the place where I can change my life.

But as usual life comes up with one more puzzle for me. Change life? Fine, but how??

And hence the may road ways in front of me and I looking dumbly at them.

When life is hard and bitter, we search for options in the most impossible places. But when life inundates us with options it is pretty much the same thing. Like right now.

What do to? What to do? To enter into a role which will give me more and more options to grow and make more money? Or to go into a world which I love to be in and perhaps scrape a little when it comes to making money?

High pressure - high rewards, or low pressure - peaceful life in the slow lane?

Think Big? or think big in the matters of the mind and life?

I wish the angel on my wrist would jump out and take me into her arms and put me on the right track. Even a rude kick in the right direction would do fine by me. She is a loving one my guardian angel, I won't mind an occasional hard push.

Hehehe.... I dream so much

May be I should do a Phd in dreams and reality.

later then

tata

The Tunneler - Bright light of hope

I lay smiling looking up at the sand ceiling of my tunnel. The mud smelt different here. It tasted different here. It was moist and welcoming. I was coming closer to my goal. I had finally reached the stage where things could only get easier. Not that I was counting on it. There were still many hurdles to pass and I have fallen down on my face every time I had depended on the good luck to see me through. I lay face upwards now with the dead end in front of me but still it gave me hope ever so more than it had in all this time. I was closer to my goal.

I am coming ......I shall not go back now.

Another cave in might come. The ground may stop yielding to me. But I shall prevail. I shall prevail.

I am coming....

The Tunneler

Every night I wake up when every body is asleep or more so every one thinks that I am sleep, and then I tunnel. I scrape away at the ground to make way for a life that I have been dreaming about since the first time I had a vision of it.

The Meadows and the breeze, the sun and the stars....they bring tears to my eyes. I rub them off along with the grime on my face and scrape once more at the unyielding soil. And every time I am rewarded with face full of dirt and stones. I wipe them away and think,"Still not enough" and I scrape again.

Lately the walls have been caving in on me. The pressures of my other life has been taking its toll, or is it the fact that I have lost it completely ....the will and the strength to come out through to the other side.

Shhhh....don't make too loud a sound....they might hear. Kind folks of the ground above me. I roam amongst them freely like a bird but they know nothing of the dark secret that I have. For even sweet souls such as their's shall shudder when they hear of my plan.

My plan, to live like I want to - To lead a life that I want to.....is it too much a crime?

One more cave-in today, the stars seem against me....but I shall not give in, no I shall not give in. Because If I do today I shall do forever, coz this action of mine today shall remain with me forever as a history of me and add to what I am. I shall not let such an action become of me. I shall not let it be a part of me. I shall not given in.

Time flows every so slowly, painfully slipping away from my fingers....my I am not done yet....

and I scrape again....with the sand blinding my eyes...but the dream they cannot take from me....

The dream that I see....the dream that will be true.....one more scrape....one more try...and I shall be free...!!!

I shall be free!!!

Hold fast, hold fast

Hold fast, hold fast

Don't let the sails slip away

Pull for all you are worth

Don't let the winds have their way

For they push us on

In ways we never see

In a direction that is not us

The direction from which we flee

For they push us towards land

Where lie the comforts of peace

Sweet waters of certainty

and a life of ease

But we of the free, want none of that

For we push towards the unknown

Of the open sea

Towards the destiny

that will be ours

If we keep on

This struggle be

Towards the star

That shows the way

Against the winds

That blows this day

My life shall be my own

Perhaps the only thing truly mine

And I shall live as I want to

No matter the blood I pay

-- Pinaki Roy

[It is a work in progress.....still]

A New Beginning

Its been a long time since I made an appearance here and for that I apologize. But it has been mainly because I wanted to stick to a principle which I did not completely understand then and perhaps haven’t come to grasp completely even now. It manifested then in a simple mantra – “I will not write when I am low”.

The reasoning was simple. A snob dresses like a snob but he also cooks like a snob if he was to cook. What you are reflects on your dressing, that is obvious but it also comes out in his tastes of food and the people he appeals to and the way he writes. I was not feeling like I wanted to feel and if I wrote at that time I would write as a person I did not want to be. If that went onto the blog that would mean a piece of you in a form that you don’t want will hang forever for you and everyone else to see ….forever!!

I still was in a winning luck run. I was having the best time in my life. But something was just not right and it was just not setting right with me. So no writing for all that time.

But some things have just jumpstarted here. I have a new thing in my life. The fact that I literally see nobody of actual consequence to my life on my daily life is not bothering me anymore. I have a new direction and I know it is already working for me. It is like a promise that I CAN BE GOD.

What changed? I believe that I can change what is universally believed cannot be changed. FATE. LUCK.

I can change it and it can come in the way that I want. The universe is actually feeding me with its power.

In the past few days I have been thinking about something and people I have not met or interacted with for months have come to me with exactly that. It has been one things after the other and the effect has been mind blowing. But all this will not be of any interest to you….I will just tell you what I have only begun to discover.

GRATITUDE and BUILDING BRIDGES

I think I will leave it at that because I have made quite a build up… will keep you hanging there. Don’t want to be a bore. Then next post will come and it will come because I must keep this integrity of my promise to myself.

Till then

Tata

Goin South..!!

Hey you guys..whats happening??

This is different from the last few posts that I have been making. They have been very artistic and mostly trying to make an impression on the people reading it.

What I am trying to say is that I was showing off...

Sometimes anger some times nostalgia but mostly showing off...

Was digressing from the original idea of the blog...which was to make sure that I can reach out to you fellas and let you know what is happening in mu life and to me..!

So ....I am saying that I am back and even though there might be a few posts where I show off some more, I will try and refrain as much as I can from overdoing it.

Alright now for the updates....

I have been cavorting all around TN. Have seen quite a few of the villages there and I must tell you villages aren't like we picture them. They are not all thatch roof houses and women walking in a single file with matkas on their head, going to fetch water.

Villages have ATMs and some even have Hero Honda showrooms in them. There are a few where you would find it hard to find a decent place to eat but they are not as backward as we imagine.

For all Facebook users here is the link to my Goin south album:

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=318069&id=739150421

I will be coming to Delhi for Diwali. It will be a short stay there but I hope to see as much as I can of you guys..

Till later then

tata