I am so stuck

When will I get away from this predicament.....

There are times I feel like so taking an extreme step - break away from the whole sham. Take a shot at the wild side. Do something wild. Something crazy. Something that will change the present times to something a little more bearable.

I don't know what to write about. It is so hard at times to even breathe when all the shit is falling on you. I had 3 days of extreme shit falling and then on the 4th day - all my muscles just gave in. There was nothing - didn't feel like speaking or eating or doing anything. I didn't even blast the fellas that report to me. They need an regular blasting else the entire place falls apart.

What the hell is happening....??? Please something happen - something that will change the present pace of things.

What will I wonder.

Please universe come and help me. Please come and change the way things are happening......change the way the things are flowing....the way that the ......oh hell I don't know.

bye

Do you remember me - part 2

I wrote a post about how I have been changing over time. I don't quite remember all that I wrote the last time but I want to say some more.

I have people reporting to me now. That changes a lot. But what I have begun to notice is that now even my cool has a longer fuse than before. I don't seem to lose it as quickly as I used to. Yesterday I was in a high pressure situation in which I would have certainly lost it but I was remarkably cool, even figured out a solution to save the day. I wonder if my friends from school and college will notice this change, but then I was always a little behind the times. I will tell you how....

When I was in school I was probably as mature as I should have been when I was Nursery. Same for when I was in college. I was a nut case then because I was as sensible as I should have been when I was in school. Now I am working. I don't know how much more sense I have from when I was in BSchool. Will there be a difference? Have I caught up with the general population in the growing up race? I guess I will find out when I see my friends from the old times. Maybe they can tell.

I can never tell whether it is stupidity or stubbornness on my part that makes me do such stupid things. And mind you, stupid as defined by the people around me.

I hate to do something that is, as the world defines it, proper if it does not suit me fine. Why should I do anything that I don't want to do. I am not going to quote the Constitution, what I am saying is plain I don't wanna do it then why should I? Am I more conforming now?

I am but as a rebel. I won't do it because I am accepting the logic of it, just that I know if I don't I am going to lose my job. Hate that....

This is where the new set of things come up...I am planning to change my situation, just that it will take some time - the new development here is that I am suddenly comfortable with doing 2 things at the same time. I have always hated multitasking, not with my hands or something but with my brain. I can't seem to put my mind to 2 things at the same time. Now I can or I seem to be able to. It might be that I have accepted the fate that "this is the way the world is going to be so what the hell you better learn this as well" or I might have just learnt a new trick from the book of "Getting things done". Either way, I am now pursuing 2 things and not cursing the universe for it. Whats more...I think I might actually pull it off. I will pull it off.

I hope the next time I put something here - It will be a step up from where I am now....

Ciao...

Mantra

They say inspiration can come from any place at all. Mine come from an animation series.

Cast off your fear

Look forward

Move forward

Never stand still

Retreat and you will age

Hesitate and you will die

After every fight I want to rest. When fighting I keep waiting when it will end. I suffer the time when I am fighting. How can I get better at something I hate.

The outer appearance depends on the dominant power within. When the body is dominated with life it is flesh, when it is dominated with death it is bones. The same reasoning applies to the appearances otherwise as well. When the dominant power is happiness the body looks happy, when the dominant power is fear, the body looks pale.

Whatever you do not use, do not love using, do not appreciate - You lose forever. You can never develop the talent/weapon that you regret having to use.

Do not shy from battle. A battle is something that lasts for eternity. If you defeat one person/problem someone stronger will appear before you. Unless you have the resolve to stand against this eternal cycle, your confidence someday will be shattered. Even then the battle will continue in some other form. As long as there are souls, conflicts will be born and and there will be battles.

One is made of two people. One's ability and one's resolve. One is the king and the other the horse. Together they fight life's battles. But either can be the King or the horse. The difference between the King and the Horse is that the King makes the decisions and the horse obeys, increasing the power of the king.

When one's resolve is King - when one's resolve is stronger than ones ability, it is the resolve that decides the course of action. It controls the ability part of the person. The person can then take things into his hand and not let his ability or disability to restrict him. When one's ability is king - when it is stronger than one's resolve, it makes the decisions. Deciding to fail when it does not match up to the battle.

Either one's resolve is driven by one's ability or his ability is driven by one's resolve.

Seek battle. Don't run from it. Don't regret it. It will find you anyways. Seek it. Enjoy it. Look forward to it. Give more power to resolve than ability.

To actually want to win instead of just getting over with the problem. Never seek to end the battle, seek to win the battle. Never hand over your sword. Never say no to another fight, another challenge.

You seek power and accomplishment, then seek the battle that comes with it. Because the battle will come even if you give up on it. You were born this way, you continuously seek battle - Whatever you have when one battle is over is never good enough for you. You always instinctively seek battle. Give in to that instinct. Revel it. Fight.

Picture worth ....I dont know what...

Funny times.....good times

Remember me?

I have been away for a long time. Life as a Sales guy can give you a lot of lone time. I haven't seen the people who make my life for about a year now. I did go home once in all this time, but never met anyone except my family. That too only for a day but that is not important. I spoke to a very close friend and had a rather hard time understanding what he was saying. That is when it struck me, something was different.

My friend was speaking so fast that I was uncomfortable. Not that I could not understand him but his speed seemed so awkward that it made me uneasy. I asked him why? and he said that I was the one acting strange. He always spoke this way. I never seemed to find it odd. Why was I acting the way that I was? Had I changed?

I am in a completely different environment right now. I have 8 people reporting to me. I am responsible for 1.5 lakhs of business every month. And I have to race to do my targets every 7 days in the month. Have I changed? When I see my friends will they feel I have changed? Will they find me different person?

I hate to even think so but have I grown up? Secretly I hope I have. I hear it is a killer attribute when it comes to bagging the girls.

I think differently about money. I have different choices for my career. I don't worry about things that made me shut myself in a dark room, curl up in a ball on the floor and cry.

So what happened? Am I closer to being me.

Logically speaking I should be. I am away from all the influences that lorded over me till now. I am surviving on my own. Decisions of clothing, food, money - all left to me. I should be coming closer to who I really want to be. No compulsions, no carrying expectations of the people around me. The people I deal with everyday now are ones that can't really screw up the way I think enough to influence my thought process. I mean they can tell me to act in a particular way but not think in any which way they want.

True to all this, I am changing. Question is, where am I headed?

Won't risk even pretending to know the answer to that one. But I am excited. Pretttty excited.

Tell you more later

tata

At Crossroads

Picture Tom Hanks at the end of Castaway. Only this time the character is bald and funny looking, me. And the number of roads are quite a few more than the ones in that scene. The million dollar question - What now?

I was up on a tough road and I completed it. But the decisions were pretty simple. Stay with the life that you are leading or change it. I decided to change it and here I am. I have completed the road and now I am at the place where I can change my life.

But as usual life comes up with one more puzzle for me. Change life? Fine, but how??

And hence the may road ways in front of me and I looking dumbly at them.

When life is hard and bitter, we search for options in the most impossible places. But when life inundates us with options it is pretty much the same thing. Like right now.

What do to? What to do? To enter into a role which will give me more and more options to grow and make more money? Or to go into a world which I love to be in and perhaps scrape a little when it comes to making money?

High pressure - high rewards, or low pressure - peaceful life in the slow lane?

Think Big? or think big in the matters of the mind and life?

I wish the angel on my wrist would jump out and take me into her arms and put me on the right track. Even a rude kick in the right direction would do fine by me. She is a loving one my guardian angel, I won't mind an occasional hard push.

Hehehe.... I dream so much

May be I should do a Phd in dreams and reality.

later then

tata

The Tunneler - Bright light of hope

I lay smiling looking up at the sand ceiling of my tunnel. The mud smelt different here. It tasted different here. It was moist and welcoming. I was coming closer to my goal. I had finally reached the stage where things could only get easier. Not that I was counting on it. There were still many hurdles to pass and I have fallen down on my face every time I had depended on the good luck to see me through. I lay face upwards now with the dead end in front of me but still it gave me hope ever so more than it had in all this time. I was closer to my goal.

I am coming ......I shall not go back now.

Another cave in might come. The ground may stop yielding to me. But I shall prevail. I shall prevail.

I am coming....

The Tunneler

Every night I wake up when every body is asleep or more so every one thinks that I am sleep, and then I tunnel. I scrape away at the ground to make way for a life that I have been dreaming about since the first time I had a vision of it.

The Meadows and the breeze, the sun and the stars....they bring tears to my eyes. I rub them off along with the grime on my face and scrape once more at the unyielding soil. And every time I am rewarded with face full of dirt and stones. I wipe them away and think,"Still not enough" and I scrape again.

Lately the walls have been caving in on me. The pressures of my other life has been taking its toll, or is it the fact that I have lost it completely ....the will and the strength to come out through to the other side.

Shhhh....don't make too loud a sound....they might hear. Kind folks of the ground above me. I roam amongst them freely like a bird but they know nothing of the dark secret that I have. For even sweet souls such as their's shall shudder when they hear of my plan.

My plan, to live like I want to - To lead a life that I want to.....is it too much a crime?

One more cave-in today, the stars seem against me....but I shall not give in, no I shall not give in. Because If I do today I shall do forever, coz this action of mine today shall remain with me forever as a history of me and add to what I am. I shall not let such an action become of me. I shall not let it be a part of me. I shall not given in.

Time flows every so slowly, painfully slipping away from my fingers....my I am not done yet....

and I scrape again....with the sand blinding my eyes...but the dream they cannot take from me....

The dream that I see....the dream that will be true.....one more scrape....one more try...and I shall be free...!!!

I shall be free!!!

Hold fast, hold fast

Hold fast, hold fast

Don't let the sails slip away

Pull for all you are worth

Don't let the winds have their way

For they push us on

In ways we never see

In a direction that is not us

The direction from which we flee

For they push us towards land

Where lie the comforts of peace

Sweet waters of certainty

and a life of ease

But we of the free, want none of that

For we push towards the unknown

Of the open sea

Towards the destiny

that will be ours

If we keep on

This struggle be

Towards the star

That shows the way

Against the winds

That blows this day

My life shall be my own

Perhaps the only thing truly mine

And I shall live as I want to

No matter the blood I pay

-- Pinaki Roy

[It is a work in progress.....still]

A New Beginning

Its been a long time since I made an appearance here and for that I apologize. But it has been mainly because I wanted to stick to a principle which I did not completely understand then and perhaps haven’t come to grasp completely even now. It manifested then in a simple mantra – “I will not write when I am low”.

The reasoning was simple. A snob dresses like a snob but he also cooks like a snob if he was to cook. What you are reflects on your dressing, that is obvious but it also comes out in his tastes of food and the people he appeals to and the way he writes. I was not feeling like I wanted to feel and if I wrote at that time I would write as a person I did not want to be. If that went onto the blog that would mean a piece of you in a form that you don’t want will hang forever for you and everyone else to see ….forever!!

I still was in a winning luck run. I was having the best time in my life. But something was just not right and it was just not setting right with me. So no writing for all that time.

But some things have just jumpstarted here. I have a new thing in my life. The fact that I literally see nobody of actual consequence to my life on my daily life is not bothering me anymore. I have a new direction and I know it is already working for me. It is like a promise that I CAN BE GOD.

What changed? I believe that I can change what is universally believed cannot be changed. FATE. LUCK.

I can change it and it can come in the way that I want. The universe is actually feeding me with its power.

In the past few days I have been thinking about something and people I have not met or interacted with for months have come to me with exactly that. It has been one things after the other and the effect has been mind blowing. But all this will not be of any interest to you….I will just tell you what I have only begun to discover.

GRATITUDE and BUILDING BRIDGES

I think I will leave it at that because I have made quite a build up… will keep you hanging there. Don’t want to be a bore. Then next post will come and it will come because I must keep this integrity of my promise to myself.

Till then

Tata

Goin South..!!

Hey you guys..whats happening??

This is different from the last few posts that I have been making. They have been very artistic and mostly trying to make an impression on the people reading it.

What I am trying to say is that I was showing off...

Sometimes anger some times nostalgia but mostly showing off...

Was digressing from the original idea of the blog...which was to make sure that I can reach out to you fellas and let you know what is happening in mu life and to me..!

So ....I am saying that I am back and even though there might be a few posts where I show off some more, I will try and refrain as much as I can from overdoing it.

Alright now for the updates....

I have been cavorting all around TN. Have seen quite a few of the villages there and I must tell you villages aren't like we picture them. They are not all thatch roof houses and women walking in a single file with matkas on their head, going to fetch water.

Villages have ATMs and some even have Hero Honda showrooms in them. There are a few where you would find it hard to find a decent place to eat but they are not as backward as we imagine.

For all Facebook users here is the link to my Goin south album:

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=318069&id=739150421

I will be coming to Delhi for Diwali. It will be a short stay there but I hope to see as much as I can of you guys..

Till later then

tata

Gastroenteritis: A message from the Gods

I remember a wedding I went to. I was much younger then and very very hungry. I had always been at a loss when I went to weddings. There was so much food around and not enough place in my stomach to eat it all. It seemed that I was able to eat lesser than usual when I was in a buffet situation. I was always way too full, way too quick and never fully satisfied. So that fateful night I came up with a plan. Ideas usually need catalysts. Mine was a huge cauldron of Chilly-Chicken right in front of me. It was not very well prepared – extremely oily and brimming with spices. “What if I ate only Chilly-Chicken that night and nothing else?” It could be eaten without the aid of roti or rice which would take up unnecessary space in the stomach. The idea was spectacular and so was the time that I had executing it. People marveled at me. “The kid is so cute and so smart. He picked the stuff that he likes best and is having a ball of a time”. I think some thoughtful persons did warn me but I was having such a good time that I heard nothing but the sound of the munching in my head and the taste of heaven in my mouth. Helping after helping kept coming and I was sure that this was how I would spend all the weddings for the rest of my life. I will pick the one food that I like best and eat that alone. They say that when we over eat and then eat some more, we lose the ability to know the limit. Meaning you feel that you are still not full. I feel that way all the time. But that day I felt so even more and I kept shoveling helpings after helpings of the greasy stuff into my mouth. I think the eventuality hit me the minute I went home. I don’t remember how it started or whether I got some warning before it happened but what I remember is that I was writhing on the bathroom floor and crying tears of repentance. The repercussions were swift in coming but they left a burning sensation as they came. I was in the loo for about an hour and so and every payload seemed to slice off another layer of skin from the place where the sun doesn’t shine. I was lying on the floor praying to god that I would never overeat again. I would never indulge in any kind of excess ever. I remember that day even now. Even breaking wind hurt. Poisonous corrosive gas.

I took it as a message from the Gods. That the same carnage will follow in life as well if I did not learn to avoid temptation. I must have shrieked out the same in between my pain coz my parents seem to know how I came to my resolve. I held true to it and it kept me in the right through the 10^th boards and through IIT JEE. Then as time went on I guess I kept forgetting about it. I never completely forgot about it though just that I felt that I would never go to those extremes again. And then it happened. My guardian angels must have noticed this new poison in my life and that I was taking a liking to it. Booze.

I have easy money now, something I had never had before, and freedom to spend some of it in a way that was all up to me. So booze and fast food came easy. Subway after subway, Long Island Iced Tea after LIIT. I was sure never to go over the top because I remembered the pain of the blades I shat that night. But this was a new sort of excess. Slow but still an excess. It kept adding and came to a conclusion by a complete stoppage of all gastric functions. There was no malfunction. They just went on strike. The Doc says that it is Gastroenteritis. That it can happen anytime when there is a dip in immunity and what not. I think it is another message from the Gods. “Yo, you there with the sometimes fuzzy sometimes shiny head…watch out!!”

What can I say? My guardian angels have a cruel sense of humor….but they do their job all right.

Me? Nopes…not complaining…not complaining at all!!

tata

The importance of importance

Why is that I don’t remember the names of the people that I meet? Why do I sometimes forget the names of the people that I know? I think there is something wrong with the way I look at things. Which are the things that I should give more importance to? What is the importance of importance?

I don’t know.

There was a friend who used to say this line a lot. “I don’t know”. I used to ridicule her a lot for it. But now I think it was only natural to feel uncertain about things. But that is not the topic of this post.

What is bothering me is that am I giving the right kind of importance to the right things? Maybe what I am thinking is prioritization. But that is not the thing. Importance is something that we give to things because they are of importance to us. They mean something to us. They are of consequence to us. Sometimes there are things that are important but we don’t give them the same.

I was introduced to some 10 people today. I don’t remember a single person’s name. I don’t know why? I was my best with them. I was smiling and nodding and making all the right moves. But why don’t I remember their names. The most obvious answer is that I am not interested in them. I mean why should I be? They are going to be of no consequence in some time. They are factory people and I will be in sales. But that is not the right answer. How do I know? Well I just know. I know because I don’t think less of them. I don’t think that they are off no consequence. It’s just that……shit….I don’t have a good enough explanation. Maybe I am absent minded. That sounds nice. Like a professor or a mad scientist. I don’t know. I really don’t know. I know that the importance of importance has something to do with it. But what exactly is missing me.

I remember the people that are really important to me. The ones that I care for. The ones that I love. Then the ones that I keep forgetting are really the ones that I don’t care for. They are the ones that I don’t think are important. They are the ones that I don’t wish to keep in my world for long. They are here now….gone the next. But why am I so nice to the? Why do I smile at their comments? Why do I sometimes nod and say “Hmmm” even when I miss the point they are trying to make? Am I a hypocrite? Sheesh…the mere feeling is poisonous. I am sitting in this swanky apartment – the company guest house in Gurgaon…and trying to figure out if I am a lying cheat coz that is exactly what I will be. Can people tell? Can they tell that I don’t really mean it? But how can they when even I am not sure whether I mean it or not. I am myself not sure. I am all sincerity when I cat with them. Pretence is something that comes difficult to me because then I have to change so many things about the way I act that I fumble most of the times. No, I don’t think they can tell. That is because I don’t pretend. I am sincere in my reactions to them. Just that I do so out of courtesy and not out of real interest. That is the only possible explanation that I can think of right now. I am nice to them only because it is the right thing to be, not because I want to be. You know what? Even that makes me feel crummy.

Well then the importance of importance is that one should give it to the right people and the right things. And one should make sure that one is giving the importance to the thought of giving importance. I need to do some of what I just said. But like you must be thinking….I don’t know what I have been saying either.

The importance of importance….sounds good doesn’t it? Like something deep and wise!!

Maybe it is. I just need to figure it out….I have some time…I can do it. I will do it.

Later

tata

Life in Kolkata- 10 – Coming back home

All good things come to an end and so did my stay in Kolkata. I was feeling a strange leaving the city, this city of my ancestors. The roads and people were looking uncannily familiar. I have been here for only 2 months but have gotten far closer to the people and places than I would have if I was in some other profession. And the people were all the ones that don’t care to put up much of a fake face. These are the people of the streets. The ones that live life the hard way. Salesmen, shopkeepers, small time businessmen or the few well off guys who didn’t care the same coz they were busy playing chess. The Market place and Chess were the 2 places where I met them and got to know them. Now I am leaving it all behind. One of my friends from Chess was coming to the airport to see me off. A good 1 hours travel from my place. He was worried that his girlfriend would be mad that he was not meeting her on time. I had managed to make a preemptive strike. Sweet talked her into letting him off the hook for the evening. What some people do for love?

Another fella called when I was just next to the chess place. Asked if I had left. He saw us waiting in the taxi at a redlight and came in running. We pulled him in as well. So there I was going to Dum Dum airport with my two good friends….off to leave the city behind me. Strange it felt because I did not expect that I would feel this way at leaving this city. This city of my ancestors…where I knew no one. But I did. It had some strange pull in it. Like some magnetism…..a pull for a long lost and then found and then lost again son…I like to think.

I reach the airport and say good bye to my friends. Long hugs and best wishes….. and some waves later….

I wait for my flight..listening to the same tracks that I used to listen to when I was working in the field. And then the plane comes and I take off…..

Good bye Kolkata….It was good.

tata

Life in Kolkata -9- I hate everything

That’s it. I hate everything right now. I have not been able to go to work for 2 days now because I overslept. I don’t have a decent movie with me that I have not seen over 5 times. I am bored as hell and finally when I have some free time and no homework or assignments to do…there are no chicks in my life. I hate everything.

Ever heard of the phrase “Call a spade a spade”. We never call a spade a spade. We mince words, we paraphrase. We make sure that we don’t hurt other people’s feelings. Why do we do that? I mean, can’t someone want to kill someone just then. We sometimes feel that way and we should not be afraid to admit that. I have at times wanted to kill some of the closest people in my life and I love them. It’s just that you get that mad only on the people that you love so much. But no…people will lie and cheat …anything to get into your good graces. Makes them into phonies. Each and every aspect of your life is you. The way you take your bath and the way you make your food. It is all you. If you are a wimp then your food is going to be a wimp as well. The way you wash yourself is going to a sorry thing as well. Writing is much closer a reflection of a person than the way he washes his ass. The way you write really tells you your state of mind. Like I am much cooler than I was when I started writing this piece. Look at me …I am already making excuses for what I am doing and reasoning out things for you so that you don’t misunderstand me. I am making sure that you like me. But when I started I just did not care.

But I am angry right now. I don’t know why, but I am. Things are getting out of hand. I am no longer in control. Things are in control of me. The job, the place, the sleep, the laptop…everything. I was so in control for some time now. I was a renegade. I was a rebel. I was happy.

I don’t even know how to start the next para. How sad is that?

I need a change of place. Something fresh. Maybe I will move out of here and live in that AC dormitory in Parkstreet. No privacy there but it is an idea. I am getting too comfortable here. When I came here I was ready for anything. The weather, the people, the pain the humiliation..et all. But now things are different. I have gotten comfortable. Nice and fat. I know of ways to cheat. I know how to skip work. I know how to lessen my work load. I know that small extravagances are no longer an issue. I know that I can get away with sundry other things that reduce my work and make my life easier…more comfortable. I am no longer a warrior…I am a fucking bureaucrat.

Sheesh…it was bound to happen huh? I know that no reward or result is any fun or even satisfying if there was no effort or pain that went into it. I have already established that. Maybe it is not the same for everybody. No, I am not the scum of the universe. I am not worse than everybody and everybody is definitely not same or better than me. I used to think that so that I don’t get cocky. But no…people are a lot more daft than I am. Well quite a few people are. So I better get my perspective right. So people might like the free lunches and the extra pay and the raises without any effort or work …just like the salesmen I work with want from me. But not me. I might like the idea. I love the idea. Who does not want to get some freebies now and then? Who does not want that raise that he does not deserve? But I know from experience that I might like it initially but I hate it afterwards. It pained me so much that people were so happy and jubilant when they got those jobs of theirs which were so much inferior to mine…yet they were happy. They were crazy happy. Whereas I was just relived when I got mine. Because I knew that it was coming. I knew that I was going to get the job when I was in BTECH. I knew I was going to get the job when I was in MBA. It all came to me so easily. It was not a pain. And I wanted to jump with joy when I got it but all I could do was sigh a breath of relief. That’s what good things do me when they come without a decent price.

God or the system or the force or the great joker who is up there and all, just did not make me a person who can enjoy a free meal. Damn. Or maybe I am not that great a guy. Maybe I do like a free meal. It is just now…maybe a phase, when I don’t. Good then. I don’t want to be like those characters in Ayn Rand novels. Or maybe I do. I don’t know. I just don’t know. It takes a bit of character to even aspire to those ideals as the ones believed by the characters I spoke of.
My head is getting fuzzy with ideas now…
I am losing focus. Signing off…..

tata

Life in Kolkata- 8 – A Surreal day

I woke up feeling all tired. I did not want to go to work.

I looked at the monthly travel plan that I had stuck to the mirror to find which distributor I was supposed to visit. There was a strange weariness in my body but I made up my mind to make a move quick. But I was seriously considering if there was some devious plan to skip work today. I couldn’t come with any. Didn’t have to. Because I did not have to go to work then. I had already been to work. It was not morning…it was evening.

My hotel room does not have a lot of sun coming into it. I don’t need much of sunlight because I work in the sun all day anyways. If you switch on the light there is no way of telling the light in the sky outside. My head was reeling now. I was happy that I don’t have to go to work but was confused at the strange blankness in my thoughts. I fell back in some kind of slumber. I then dreamt of explaining the beats the salesmen oerformances to the branch head. Even then I could not tell for sure if all that was real or just in my head. It was all a whirr.

I blame dad for it. He was here yesterday and we don’t usually spend too much time together so here is what we do. I watch TV as he snoozes in the bed. Then we both have some food and I am headed home. This is what father and son do after spending 2 months away from each other. That’s the way we are really! We don’t do the hugging and stuff that well.

Anyways….I think my life is getting back to a boring rut and it is time to shuffles some things up. I miss my friends!

Tata

Life in Kolkata- 7 – My Zen Place

Yo,

Good people of the world, how you doing? I hope well…

Things are going well and it is time to take stock of the situation, do some analysis and move ahead with the lessons well learnt. Stint in Kolkata nearing towards the end. Just when I was getting used to the city. One of my friends said that is life. Well maybe…but I can’t complain. Life has been too good for me for the past few months. So I am stressing on the good stuff so that they keep coming.

I got my first paycheck and I haven’t spent an extra dime till now. I know that I have to pay back the Student Loan and the Loan that I took from my dad. Plus there is the 14k camera that dad has got for me. In ways I have bought it as I am going to pay for it. But I call it a necessity. By my calculation I have to pay my dad 32k in total. That leaves a measly sum left for me but what the hell…it is still enough for me to at least dream of what I am going to do with the future cash flows.

I don’t know what the deal with Zen is. I mean Zen masters and all that is something I don’t understand completely. I have to remember and look it up on the net. But I am guessing that a Zen place would be some place where you are at peace with yourself. Someplace where you feel all powerful…no, some place where you feel relaxed and free and say …you draw strength and inspiration from it. I need to make such a place in my house or wherever that I will put up in. The way I see it, it will have to consist of things that I will be able to rearrange easily and quickly because I might be moving a lot in my line of work. I have a vague idea of what I want. I will be thinking about it as I write this post.

Ok , here are the basic requirements of it:

1. 1) Seating arrangement with provision for a snooze
2. 2) Music to suit varied moods
3. 3) Inspiration, endurance, hope, strength
4. 4) Signs of the important things in life – memories
5. 5) Entertainment
6. 6) Relaxation
7. 7) Food and drinks
8. This should do the trick.

Lemme tell you some of what I plan to have.

Seating arrangement

In the beginning there is no way I can buy an armchair like the one Joey and Chandler had in Friends. And since I will be constantly moving from place to place, Hotel room to guesthouse, I better be content with say a nice comfy pillow or cushion that I can prop against whatever chair that I get. I later times I might get myself once of those massaging ones. What I plan to get later in life is a nice big comfy seatee where two people can sit in whichever way they want and do their thing. But that will have to wait.

Music

I need different playlists. For the mornings to brush away the sleep from my eyes. For the evenings to release the tension that has been building up all day. For the times when I want to celebrate and the times when I am down in the dumps. The peppy ones when I have good company and the smoky romantic ones when I have the Right kinda company. Jazz works for me when I want to relax. I like the saxophone ones.

Inspiration and the works

Symbols, text, quotes, pictures, posters and the sort that can send subliminal messages to my head. Things that I will recognize and I can put deliberately in the right places so that I can program to some extent the thoughts that come unbidden to my mind. Like when I am low I will be looking down…maybe a little something right in front of the seating but a little closer to the floor…that makes me hold on to hope a little longer. Some thing nearer to the ceiling which tells me not to fly off control just because things are working so well and sit back some and take stock of the situation. I have always loved movies. I am thinking some of these things will be memorabilia or pictures or symbols of these movies. The ones that I like for something in particular. Like the “Revolver” or “The Untouchables”. Something in text like say – “Sit still and revenge will visit thine enemy”.

Signs of important things in life

Pictures of family and friends. Some memorabilia of important events in life. Things that remind me of what is really important and what gives importance to the other things in life. So that I don’t put the horse before the cart, so to say.

Entertainment

Playstation and a Big screen TV. That is a must. In later times…one that is separate from the family’s regular living room TV. So that I can play and watch movies in peace while the wife wants to see her daily sitcoms. I know the trouble dad has when there is a game and mom want to watch what happened to the poor orphan girl married to the rich cruel family and her indifferent husband.

Relaxation

Are those feet massagers I see in the Malls any good? If they are I might buy one. Plus the seatee might have some shoulder massager thingy in it. All in good time.

Food and drinks

My favorite food stuffs, carefully regulated by the wife so that I don’t die of heart disease, a bottle or two of my favourite drinks, I don’t like beer so I will need something to go with the drinks that are there. Healthy stuff too like some juice or what not. And maybe some popcorn. I am not a great fan of it but I think it will be healthier than most other snacks.

That’s about it right now.

I always tell myself that it is not bad to dream. So maybe some of the things are a little far away in the future but I will be making that future right now, right? I better know what I am fighting for. Hell…for starters I might put the above in a picture and hang that in front of the whatever chair I get in whichever dhingy hotel that they get me. Everything has to start someplace, right?

Till later then

tata

Life in Kolkata- 6 – Managing expectations

Heya,

So how are you guys doing? I am sitting in my hotel room at 7 in the evening listening to Coldplay’s X & Y album and writing this blog post. Will post it sometime at night. Had a very very long nap. Was feeling a little strange and tired during the day and when it started raining towards the end of the working day (Our active market work lasts for about half a day, till about 3-3:30 pm.) I took off. Been sleeping since then. About 3 hours I think. Then spoke to a very old friend. Felt good. The mix of a good nice nap after a tiring but rewarding week, a long chat with a fellow mate and then finding a luke warm pet bottle of Limca next to the bed. Perfect!

We go through a lot of “Management” in B-Schools. There is work management and there is people management. Money management and time management. And I am not at all talking about the stuff we study. I am talking about the stuff that you learn besides that. Working with different workloads, with different people, each with their own time limits and schedules and then there is the limited pocket money. Just the environment teaches you a different course altogether. But there is a management that I think we have been doing since we were little. Something that we are not aware of explicitly till we are in a job and we have to do it for strangers and new people. Of course these strangers then become part of our lives and at some point we lose sight of it again. I am talking about managing expectations.

People management is managing the problems of these people and their work and what not. But what I am stressing about is something that is never talked about explicitly. It is something I think is special about sales jobs. Since we are in supervisory role we have to look at it in a rather objective way. To manage these people, we have to manage their expectations. What are these expectations? Vary from people to people, role to role and time to time. My salesman expects to have a better sale on the day I am working with him. But that it what they tell you to do in your job. There is a lot more. He expects that I will treat him at the end of the day. He expects that I listen to his problems. Not only the ones he is having in his work. But his family problems. Sickness, food, relationships..all. These are the things that they don’t tell you to do, but they make the difference between a good and an effective supervisor. They think in the beginning that you are some impersonal person from the head office and they are being loaded with some extra dead weight. It is then that you have to draw out the person from this working man. Who is he? What all does he want from life? What is troubling him? Knowing all this is what gives you the effective tools to motivate him, give him hope, help him and make him a better worker. My mentor in Kolkata tells me that at one time he used to send the monthly targets to the wives of the salesmen. He had developed camaraderie with their families and knew them all personally. He would then tell the wives of the incentives and the bonuses on completing the targets. This drove the salesmen in such a way that we would never be able to do. No better carrot and stick policy than that of the wife who effectively runs your life, the life that is worth living and working for.

Made me think that maybe there is a whole lot more than just a sliver of this in life apart from the job. It is pretty obvious that there is a lot of expectation management in life as well. But I think I personally, don’t give it as much thought as I should. Maybe I could have saved some hurt or made some one happier had I just thought about their expectations of me. I always think about my expectations….just that I don’t think of it like expectations. More like what I want and what I don’t or what I would like and what I would rather not. I am not a cold person. No I am not. But I can be a little blind at times to the people around me and their feelings. My usual excuse is that I am bad at picking hints. It is true, I am. But maybe that is because I never think of it in this manner. In the manner that I look at it when I am working. Callous to the point of being hurtful. That is what I can be sometimes. But as all bad things have to go…..this has to go as well. I better get my act together on this front. I am going to take responsibility of the happiness and the sadness and the expectations of the people that I affect. The people I care about. Brave words, huh? Let’s see…..

Till later

tata

Life in Kolkata- 4 – My first paycheck, The friend’s girlfriend and Her Rabbit

Life is on as usual in my world. Some things are looking up but I know that they are so because of a small white lie of mine. I don’t know how I am going to break open the secret but that will come later.

First things first….I got my first paycheck. It was no exhilarating feeling. Just as it was when I got my job. All because I know that it was coming for sure and that I did not have to work my ass off for it. There was never any suspense if it was coming or not. Not that I don’t work my ass off everyday in sun. I do. But I know that I can do much more and no matter how tired or worn out I am when I come back home… I can push myself much more. So it is here and I can finally pay my own bills, payback dad the loan he gave me when I had to come to Kolkata and I can buy some stuff to gift to my near and dear ones from my own pocket. Really from my own pocket.

On to the next few things…..My friend’s girlfriend. Well I said something previously about my friend that I made in Kolkata. He was the first person I had real contact with. Even before I came in full contact with my relatives here. So he is special. My first friend in the land of my ancestors, where I knew no one. But then comes the hitch. He has a overbearing girlfriend who it seems is in complete control of his life. So much so that he can’t even concentrate on chess, he plays chess to get things off his mind. He has been in rather poor shape for some time due to the trouble she was giving him. He says that she is a darling even if sometimes she is a little immature. Well they all say that about their girls, that they have a heart of gold even though the other parts might be built like a torture machine. Well, Miss heart of gold had her birthday on Sunday and he missed it. He fell asleep after a few beers and she is mad. When I say mad it means that she is driving the guy bonkers. I have heard that you have to grovel in love, even believed it but I had never seen it. Today that was struck out of the list. I have never seen a man fall on his knees like that when talking on the phone and I have never come that close to a girl who would stand her man be made so small even by herself. It was pitifull. But then as his other friends who I met today said “All is fair in love and war”. I wish I find someone who I can live life with. I don’t want someone who I will constantly have to save from different issues, like missed birthdays and petty problems that grownups don’t really give that much of a damn. But something tells me that it might not happen. I suppose they all and we all need someone with whom we can become little children. What am I saying….I have been looking for someone like that all my life. Someone with whom I can be a little kid. But something tells me that I would not make her feel the way that she was making him feel. I think that in the past I might have made people suffer simply thru the means that they love me. Like I would sulk and I knew that they will feel bad because they love me or care for me. But that was when I was a little kid, when I was all but selfish and that is a very very long time back. Not now. But there might be people who disagree with that. All I can say to them is that I was an idiotic nut and please if they can forgive me. I did not realize what I was doing or perhaps the magnitude of the effect it was having on the people I love.

So….my friend decides to buy her a pet rabbit. It turns out that she had a rabbit and she loved it like anything. She cried for 2 days when it died. So off we go…he the brave knight and us his 3 musketeers. It was stupid really…he said that the market was mukherjee market when it was bannerjee market and we were roaming the length and breadth of Kolkata looking for rabbits. It felt as funny as it sounds. When we were finally there we found out that the rabbits were in short supply today. We loitered around waited for sometime and then finally bought one small little one. It was the cutest of the lot but seemed to have a slight issue with the leg and was looking a little lazy, or ill…we could not tell. But it was the cutest of the bunch and we took it. Here is when the interesting thing started happening. Every one in the street who saw it asked us how much we bought it for and commented that we were ripped off and that the rabbit looked ill. So much so that my friend started to buy the fact and would ask every other person who seemed interested in the rabbit, if it was ok. It became so irritating that I asked him to shut up and leave it at that. I was rude in a friendly way that would not hurt his feelings but I was feeling a little pissed. You bought it now….what is the point doubting it so much. There is nothing to do now but take it home and present it to his dominatrix. All through the trip there was talk of what if’s and what nots to do with the rabbit if things did not go as well. All along I and the rabbit were the only two who seemed least interested in the cost benefit analysis. But he seemed a bit too calm and that worried me. So we travelled from bus to bus and then from auto to auto till we came back to urbane environment. We could not take it to some posh restaurant as they would not allow it. We took it to our regular eat place. And then when we were about to eat… magic happened. Some people came out of the restaurant and started appreciating the rabbit. We were worried that he might be thirsty and got it a cup of water. And then it happened…..it sprang to life. It was down and out all this time from tire. We gave it some food and all life seemed to be bursting out of him. The mood was infectious and we had a hearty meal. We were all happy and I am sure the girlfriend would be happy too.

I don’t know if I am making a monkey out of nothing…but maybe life and the decisions we make in it are like this rabbit in the cage. We listen to people and feel affected….we doubt and we repent…..where all it would need is some nourishment and it would come out in all its glory. A little appreciation is all that it needs to get started…..

Later

tata

Life in Kolkata- 3 – The Godfather

There were numerous times when I have had to use the concepts that were expounded in the Godfather. Remember I said that I was looking forward to being a Godfather in my job. That I would have my own family and that I would have a Toffee Business just like the Godfather’s Olive oil business. Well that is what I have now.

Sales is really a people management business. You have to deal with people, their issues, their hopes and aspirations and then make them work as you want them to work. It is all like an organized crime unit. You have people working under you who have people working under them. It is an unwritten rule not to break the hierarchy. I have very small contact with the people who are my subordinates subordinate, but the times that I do, makes my subordinate make sure that he is doing his job right. Each man profits from the better output of the people below him so each man makes his people’s lives his concern. He has to make sure that they are happy and loyal to the cause. They make money then the boss makes money. It is that simple.

“Manage their expectations”, “Be careful how you say no”….these are some of the things that you have to take care of. A knowing glance tells the junior that his senior is on to him. A raised eyebrow tells him that his demeanor is under criticism. A few questions on the regular matter, with the senior not making eye contact tells the junior that he is in disfavor. It’s amazing. I sometimes even make the cold smile gesture. This is where the lips smile but the eyes don’t. Straight out of the Godfather. Trust me it works like a charm. The person immediately tries to find out what is wrong or starts to give the explanations or making the right sounds.

I sometimes feel….no I get the feeling all the time that the job is changing me. I don’t make funny faces any more. My jokes are wittier and less slapstick. I seem to have the term “Dignity” and “Grace” on my mind rather frequently. And I tolerate less nonsense. Can’t say I like all of this. It is new and I liked the old me. I think he was more harmless and true. This new guy is the sort that is nice and amiable but gives ample signs that you better not cross him. He has that edge to him. To his voice, to his expressions to his everything. No I am not sure I completely like this new me. What I think I need is balance. Or else I will become my job and that is not what I am going to let happen. I am me and I stay me. Period.

Well that’s that for the time being. Will keep you guys posted.

Bye for now…

tata