Life in Kolkata -9- I hate everything

That’s it. I hate everything right now. I have not been able to go to work for 2 days now because I overslept. I don’t have a decent movie with me that I have not seen over 5 times. I am bored as hell and finally when I have some free time and no homework or assignments to do…there are no chicks in my life. I hate everything.

Ever heard of the phrase “Call a spade a spade”. We never call a spade a spade. We mince words, we paraphrase. We make sure that we don’t hurt other people’s feelings. Why do we do that? I mean, can’t someone want to kill someone just then. We sometimes feel that way and we should not be afraid to admit that. I have at times wanted to kill some of the closest people in my life and I love them. It’s just that you get that mad only on the people that you love so much. But no…people will lie and cheat …anything to get into your good graces. Makes them into phonies. Each and every aspect of your life is you. The way you take your bath and the way you make your food. It is all you. If you are a wimp then your food is going to be a wimp as well. The way you wash yourself is going to a sorry thing as well. Writing is much closer a reflection of a person than the way he washes his ass. The way you write really tells you your state of mind. Like I am much cooler than I was when I started writing this piece. Look at me …I am already making excuses for what I am doing and reasoning out things for you so that you don’t misunderstand me. I am making sure that you like me. But when I started I just did not care.

But I am angry right now. I don’t know why, but I am. Things are getting out of hand. I am no longer in control. Things are in control of me. The job, the place, the sleep, the laptop…everything. I was so in control for some time now. I was a renegade. I was a rebel. I was happy.

I don’t even know how to start the next para. How sad is that?

I need a change of place. Something fresh. Maybe I will move out of here and live in that AC dormitory in Parkstreet. No privacy there but it is an idea. I am getting too comfortable here. When I came here I was ready for anything. The weather, the people, the pain the humiliation..et all. But now things are different. I have gotten comfortable. Nice and fat. I know of ways to cheat. I know how to skip work. I know how to lessen my work load. I know that small extravagances are no longer an issue. I know that I can get away with sundry other things that reduce my work and make my life easier…more comfortable. I am no longer a warrior…I am a fucking bureaucrat.

Sheesh…it was bound to happen huh? I know that no reward or result is any fun or even satisfying if there was no effort or pain that went into it. I have already established that. Maybe it is not the same for everybody. No, I am not the scum of the universe. I am not worse than everybody and everybody is definitely not same or better than me. I used to think that so that I don’t get cocky. But no…people are a lot more daft than I am. Well quite a few people are. So I better get my perspective right. So people might like the free lunches and the extra pay and the raises without any effort or work …just like the salesmen I work with want from me. But not me. I might like the idea. I love the idea. Who does not want to get some freebies now and then? Who does not want that raise that he does not deserve? But I know from experience that I might like it initially but I hate it afterwards. It pained me so much that people were so happy and jubilant when they got those jobs of theirs which were so much inferior to mine…yet they were happy. They were crazy happy. Whereas I was just relived when I got mine. Because I knew that it was coming. I knew that I was going to get the job when I was in BTECH. I knew I was going to get the job when I was in MBA. It all came to me so easily. It was not a pain. And I wanted to jump with joy when I got it but all I could do was sigh a breath of relief. That’s what good things do me when they come without a decent price.

God or the system or the force or the great joker who is up there and all, just did not make me a person who can enjoy a free meal. Damn. Or maybe I am not that great a guy. Maybe I do like a free meal. It is just now…maybe a phase, when I don’t. Good then. I don’t want to be like those characters in Ayn Rand novels. Or maybe I do. I don’t know. I just don’t know. It takes a bit of character to even aspire to those ideals as the ones believed by the characters I spoke of.
My head is getting fuzzy with ideas now…
I am losing focus. Signing off…..

tata

Life in Kolkata- 8 – A Surreal day

I woke up feeling all tired. I did not want to go to work.

I looked at the monthly travel plan that I had stuck to the mirror to find which distributor I was supposed to visit. There was a strange weariness in my body but I made up my mind to make a move quick. But I was seriously considering if there was some devious plan to skip work today. I couldn’t come with any. Didn’t have to. Because I did not have to go to work then. I had already been to work. It was not morning…it was evening.

My hotel room does not have a lot of sun coming into it. I don’t need much of sunlight because I work in the sun all day anyways. If you switch on the light there is no way of telling the light in the sky outside. My head was reeling now. I was happy that I don’t have to go to work but was confused at the strange blankness in my thoughts. I fell back in some kind of slumber. I then dreamt of explaining the beats the salesmen oerformances to the branch head. Even then I could not tell for sure if all that was real or just in my head. It was all a whirr.

I blame dad for it. He was here yesterday and we don’t usually spend too much time together so here is what we do. I watch TV as he snoozes in the bed. Then we both have some food and I am headed home. This is what father and son do after spending 2 months away from each other. That’s the way we are really! We don’t do the hugging and stuff that well.

Anyways….I think my life is getting back to a boring rut and it is time to shuffles some things up. I miss my friends!

Tata

Life in Kolkata- 7 – My Zen Place

Yo,

Good people of the world, how you doing? I hope well…

Things are going well and it is time to take stock of the situation, do some analysis and move ahead with the lessons well learnt. Stint in Kolkata nearing towards the end. Just when I was getting used to the city. One of my friends said that is life. Well maybe…but I can’t complain. Life has been too good for me for the past few months. So I am stressing on the good stuff so that they keep coming.

I got my first paycheck and I haven’t spent an extra dime till now. I know that I have to pay back the Student Loan and the Loan that I took from my dad. Plus there is the 14k camera that dad has got for me. In ways I have bought it as I am going to pay for it. But I call it a necessity. By my calculation I have to pay my dad 32k in total. That leaves a measly sum left for me but what the hell…it is still enough for me to at least dream of what I am going to do with the future cash flows.

I don’t know what the deal with Zen is. I mean Zen masters and all that is something I don’t understand completely. I have to remember and look it up on the net. But I am guessing that a Zen place would be some place where you are at peace with yourself. Someplace where you feel all powerful…no, some place where you feel relaxed and free and say …you draw strength and inspiration from it. I need to make such a place in my house or wherever that I will put up in. The way I see it, it will have to consist of things that I will be able to rearrange easily and quickly because I might be moving a lot in my line of work. I have a vague idea of what I want. I will be thinking about it as I write this post.

Ok , here are the basic requirements of it:

1. 1) Seating arrangement with provision for a snooze
2. 2) Music to suit varied moods
3. 3) Inspiration, endurance, hope, strength
4. 4) Signs of the important things in life – memories
5. 5) Entertainment
6. 6) Relaxation
7. 7) Food and drinks
8. This should do the trick.

Lemme tell you some of what I plan to have.

Seating arrangement

In the beginning there is no way I can buy an armchair like the one Joey and Chandler had in Friends. And since I will be constantly moving from place to place, Hotel room to guesthouse, I better be content with say a nice comfy pillow or cushion that I can prop against whatever chair that I get. I later times I might get myself once of those massaging ones. What I plan to get later in life is a nice big comfy seatee where two people can sit in whichever way they want and do their thing. But that will have to wait.

Music

I need different playlists. For the mornings to brush away the sleep from my eyes. For the evenings to release the tension that has been building up all day. For the times when I want to celebrate and the times when I am down in the dumps. The peppy ones when I have good company and the smoky romantic ones when I have the Right kinda company. Jazz works for me when I want to relax. I like the saxophone ones.

Inspiration and the works

Symbols, text, quotes, pictures, posters and the sort that can send subliminal messages to my head. Things that I will recognize and I can put deliberately in the right places so that I can program to some extent the thoughts that come unbidden to my mind. Like when I am low I will be looking down…maybe a little something right in front of the seating but a little closer to the floor…that makes me hold on to hope a little longer. Some thing nearer to the ceiling which tells me not to fly off control just because things are working so well and sit back some and take stock of the situation. I have always loved movies. I am thinking some of these things will be memorabilia or pictures or symbols of these movies. The ones that I like for something in particular. Like the “Revolver” or “The Untouchables”. Something in text like say – “Sit still and revenge will visit thine enemy”.

Signs of important things in life

Pictures of family and friends. Some memorabilia of important events in life. Things that remind me of what is really important and what gives importance to the other things in life. So that I don’t put the horse before the cart, so to say.

Entertainment

Playstation and a Big screen TV. That is a must. In later times…one that is separate from the family’s regular living room TV. So that I can play and watch movies in peace while the wife wants to see her daily sitcoms. I know the trouble dad has when there is a game and mom want to watch what happened to the poor orphan girl married to the rich cruel family and her indifferent husband.

Relaxation

Are those feet massagers I see in the Malls any good? If they are I might buy one. Plus the seatee might have some shoulder massager thingy in it. All in good time.

Food and drinks

My favorite food stuffs, carefully regulated by the wife so that I don’t die of heart disease, a bottle or two of my favourite drinks, I don’t like beer so I will need something to go with the drinks that are there. Healthy stuff too like some juice or what not. And maybe some popcorn. I am not a great fan of it but I think it will be healthier than most other snacks.

That’s about it right now.

I always tell myself that it is not bad to dream. So maybe some of the things are a little far away in the future but I will be making that future right now, right? I better know what I am fighting for. Hell…for starters I might put the above in a picture and hang that in front of the whatever chair I get in whichever dhingy hotel that they get me. Everything has to start someplace, right?

Till later then

tata

Life in Kolkata- 6 – Managing expectations

Heya,

So how are you guys doing? I am sitting in my hotel room at 7 in the evening listening to Coldplay’s X & Y album and writing this blog post. Will post it sometime at night. Had a very very long nap. Was feeling a little strange and tired during the day and when it started raining towards the end of the working day (Our active market work lasts for about half a day, till about 3-3:30 pm.) I took off. Been sleeping since then. About 3 hours I think. Then spoke to a very old friend. Felt good. The mix of a good nice nap after a tiring but rewarding week, a long chat with a fellow mate and then finding a luke warm pet bottle of Limca next to the bed. Perfect!

We go through a lot of “Management” in B-Schools. There is work management and there is people management. Money management and time management. And I am not at all talking about the stuff we study. I am talking about the stuff that you learn besides that. Working with different workloads, with different people, each with their own time limits and schedules and then there is the limited pocket money. Just the environment teaches you a different course altogether. But there is a management that I think we have been doing since we were little. Something that we are not aware of explicitly till we are in a job and we have to do it for strangers and new people. Of course these strangers then become part of our lives and at some point we lose sight of it again. I am talking about managing expectations.

People management is managing the problems of these people and their work and what not. But what I am stressing about is something that is never talked about explicitly. It is something I think is special about sales jobs. Since we are in supervisory role we have to look at it in a rather objective way. To manage these people, we have to manage their expectations. What are these expectations? Vary from people to people, role to role and time to time. My salesman expects to have a better sale on the day I am working with him. But that it what they tell you to do in your job. There is a lot more. He expects that I will treat him at the end of the day. He expects that I listen to his problems. Not only the ones he is having in his work. But his family problems. Sickness, food, relationships..all. These are the things that they don’t tell you to do, but they make the difference between a good and an effective supervisor. They think in the beginning that you are some impersonal person from the head office and they are being loaded with some extra dead weight. It is then that you have to draw out the person from this working man. Who is he? What all does he want from life? What is troubling him? Knowing all this is what gives you the effective tools to motivate him, give him hope, help him and make him a better worker. My mentor in Kolkata tells me that at one time he used to send the monthly targets to the wives of the salesmen. He had developed camaraderie with their families and knew them all personally. He would then tell the wives of the incentives and the bonuses on completing the targets. This drove the salesmen in such a way that we would never be able to do. No better carrot and stick policy than that of the wife who effectively runs your life, the life that is worth living and working for.

Made me think that maybe there is a whole lot more than just a sliver of this in life apart from the job. It is pretty obvious that there is a lot of expectation management in life as well. But I think I personally, don’t give it as much thought as I should. Maybe I could have saved some hurt or made some one happier had I just thought about their expectations of me. I always think about my expectations….just that I don’t think of it like expectations. More like what I want and what I don’t or what I would like and what I would rather not. I am not a cold person. No I am not. But I can be a little blind at times to the people around me and their feelings. My usual excuse is that I am bad at picking hints. It is true, I am. But maybe that is because I never think of it in this manner. In the manner that I look at it when I am working. Callous to the point of being hurtful. That is what I can be sometimes. But as all bad things have to go…..this has to go as well. I better get my act together on this front. I am going to take responsibility of the happiness and the sadness and the expectations of the people that I affect. The people I care about. Brave words, huh? Let’s see…..

Till later

tata

Life in Kolkata- 4 – My first paycheck, The friend’s girlfriend and Her Rabbit

Life is on as usual in my world. Some things are looking up but I know that they are so because of a small white lie of mine. I don’t know how I am going to break open the secret but that will come later.

First things first….I got my first paycheck. It was no exhilarating feeling. Just as it was when I got my job. All because I know that it was coming for sure and that I did not have to work my ass off for it. There was never any suspense if it was coming or not. Not that I don’t work my ass off everyday in sun. I do. But I know that I can do much more and no matter how tired or worn out I am when I come back home… I can push myself much more. So it is here and I can finally pay my own bills, payback dad the loan he gave me when I had to come to Kolkata and I can buy some stuff to gift to my near and dear ones from my own pocket. Really from my own pocket.

On to the next few things…..My friend’s girlfriend. Well I said something previously about my friend that I made in Kolkata. He was the first person I had real contact with. Even before I came in full contact with my relatives here. So he is special. My first friend in the land of my ancestors, where I knew no one. But then comes the hitch. He has a overbearing girlfriend who it seems is in complete control of his life. So much so that he can’t even concentrate on chess, he plays chess to get things off his mind. He has been in rather poor shape for some time due to the trouble she was giving him. He says that she is a darling even if sometimes she is a little immature. Well they all say that about their girls, that they have a heart of gold even though the other parts might be built like a torture machine. Well, Miss heart of gold had her birthday on Sunday and he missed it. He fell asleep after a few beers and she is mad. When I say mad it means that she is driving the guy bonkers. I have heard that you have to grovel in love, even believed it but I had never seen it. Today that was struck out of the list. I have never seen a man fall on his knees like that when talking on the phone and I have never come that close to a girl who would stand her man be made so small even by herself. It was pitifull. But then as his other friends who I met today said “All is fair in love and war”. I wish I find someone who I can live life with. I don’t want someone who I will constantly have to save from different issues, like missed birthdays and petty problems that grownups don’t really give that much of a damn. But something tells me that it might not happen. I suppose they all and we all need someone with whom we can become little children. What am I saying….I have been looking for someone like that all my life. Someone with whom I can be a little kid. But something tells me that I would not make her feel the way that she was making him feel. I think that in the past I might have made people suffer simply thru the means that they love me. Like I would sulk and I knew that they will feel bad because they love me or care for me. But that was when I was a little kid, when I was all but selfish and that is a very very long time back. Not now. But there might be people who disagree with that. All I can say to them is that I was an idiotic nut and please if they can forgive me. I did not realize what I was doing or perhaps the magnitude of the effect it was having on the people I love.

So….my friend decides to buy her a pet rabbit. It turns out that she had a rabbit and she loved it like anything. She cried for 2 days when it died. So off we go…he the brave knight and us his 3 musketeers. It was stupid really…he said that the market was mukherjee market when it was bannerjee market and we were roaming the length and breadth of Kolkata looking for rabbits. It felt as funny as it sounds. When we were finally there we found out that the rabbits were in short supply today. We loitered around waited for sometime and then finally bought one small little one. It was the cutest of the lot but seemed to have a slight issue with the leg and was looking a little lazy, or ill…we could not tell. But it was the cutest of the bunch and we took it. Here is when the interesting thing started happening. Every one in the street who saw it asked us how much we bought it for and commented that we were ripped off and that the rabbit looked ill. So much so that my friend started to buy the fact and would ask every other person who seemed interested in the rabbit, if it was ok. It became so irritating that I asked him to shut up and leave it at that. I was rude in a friendly way that would not hurt his feelings but I was feeling a little pissed. You bought it now….what is the point doubting it so much. There is nothing to do now but take it home and present it to his dominatrix. All through the trip there was talk of what if’s and what nots to do with the rabbit if things did not go as well. All along I and the rabbit were the only two who seemed least interested in the cost benefit analysis. But he seemed a bit too calm and that worried me. So we travelled from bus to bus and then from auto to auto till we came back to urbane environment. We could not take it to some posh restaurant as they would not allow it. We took it to our regular eat place. And then when we were about to eat… magic happened. Some people came out of the restaurant and started appreciating the rabbit. We were worried that he might be thirsty and got it a cup of water. And then it happened…..it sprang to life. It was down and out all this time from tire. We gave it some food and all life seemed to be bursting out of him. The mood was infectious and we had a hearty meal. We were all happy and I am sure the girlfriend would be happy too.

I don’t know if I am making a monkey out of nothing…but maybe life and the decisions we make in it are like this rabbit in the cage. We listen to people and feel affected….we doubt and we repent…..where all it would need is some nourishment and it would come out in all its glory. A little appreciation is all that it needs to get started…..

Later

tata

Life in Kolkata- 3 – The Godfather

There were numerous times when I have had to use the concepts that were expounded in the Godfather. Remember I said that I was looking forward to being a Godfather in my job. That I would have my own family and that I would have a Toffee Business just like the Godfather’s Olive oil business. Well that is what I have now.

Sales is really a people management business. You have to deal with people, their issues, their hopes and aspirations and then make them work as you want them to work. It is all like an organized crime unit. You have people working under you who have people working under them. It is an unwritten rule not to break the hierarchy. I have very small contact with the people who are my subordinates subordinate, but the times that I do, makes my subordinate make sure that he is doing his job right. Each man profits from the better output of the people below him so each man makes his people’s lives his concern. He has to make sure that they are happy and loyal to the cause. They make money then the boss makes money. It is that simple.

“Manage their expectations”, “Be careful how you say no”….these are some of the things that you have to take care of. A knowing glance tells the junior that his senior is on to him. A raised eyebrow tells him that his demeanor is under criticism. A few questions on the regular matter, with the senior not making eye contact tells the junior that he is in disfavor. It’s amazing. I sometimes even make the cold smile gesture. This is where the lips smile but the eyes don’t. Straight out of the Godfather. Trust me it works like a charm. The person immediately tries to find out what is wrong or starts to give the explanations or making the right sounds.

I sometimes feel….no I get the feeling all the time that the job is changing me. I don’t make funny faces any more. My jokes are wittier and less slapstick. I seem to have the term “Dignity” and “Grace” on my mind rather frequently. And I tolerate less nonsense. Can’t say I like all of this. It is new and I liked the old me. I think he was more harmless and true. This new guy is the sort that is nice and amiable but gives ample signs that you better not cross him. He has that edge to him. To his voice, to his expressions to his everything. No I am not sure I completely like this new me. What I think I need is balance. Or else I will become my job and that is not what I am going to let happen. I am me and I stay me. Period.

Well that’s that for the time being. Will keep you guys posted.

Bye for now…

tata

Kolkata 2- Chess, Babes and the Weather

Hiya folks,

The second installment of the Kolkata chronicles. Life has been going well and the job is getting more interesting. I will soon be heading an entire area all on my own. I will be incharge of the distribution and the distributer handling of the area. But this post is not about that. This is about Chess, Babes and the weather...

Chess

I have never been a big fan of the game. The play needs patience that I lack and then there is sitting in one place for a very long time that just isn't my thing. But things really changed when I cam to Kolkata. Here I was wandering the streets asking myself how to pass the time when I see this group of people playing chess. Now playing the royal game is no crime but when you play it sitting under the flyover, stooping over old worn out chess boards and mixed and mutilated pieces....it makes quite a heady cocktail. And the characters were interesting too. They ranged from small time shop keapers to local politicians, the friendly neighbour hood panwall to the reigning top 3 West Bengal grandmasters. They were all there. I have also made a couple of good friends there. I think I have started having a life here finally. More on that later....becasue I think there will be more to say on the matter....

Babes

I think I have mentioned it before that the babes in this town are awsome. They are all beautiful and all bengali....what more could a man ask for. Yes I am finding it difficult to approach them coz well...you don't just accost a person on the street and ask for their number. But I think the matter can be sloved my my two new friends. They have pals who will then have pals and I think I can cook up something from there. I has alll gone so well till now....why leave hope!

There are the cute ones and then there are the smoking hot ones. I have to travel all around the city for my job so I get to see all the goodies all around the city. Some of them would make the punjabi gals of Delhi look demure. With selvete figures and body hugging clothes....these are the forward thinking women that make Kolkata worth living in with all the pollution and stuff. And let me tell you...its not really the clothes. They might hug the body but are not revealing...its just that some of these beauties have the eyes and smiles that make you stop regretting that you don't live in the times of the Hepburns and Garbos. And when one of them slips one of those delicious smiles your way....What can I say...It sure makes my day. A city of beautiful women. There is nothing vulgur about them. God made them beautiful....not their fault now is it?

The weather

With all things good there are the bad eggs that you have to suffer in life's breakfast table. And that bad egg is the weather. It is humid as hell. You feel like you are walking and breathing through glue. I have wade my way through the air like I am in a swimming pool for the first time. And then there is the shitty bus. Or should I say the swaety bus. I will really spoil the mood if I say more. But that and the pollution are the only thing that make life a little difficult in this land of my ancenstors. But I have my fingers crossed and hopes are up like anything...!!!

Till later then good folks ...

tata

Life in Kolkata – 1 – The Beginning.

There was so much that I wanted to say but I had no net connection then. Things here have been a mix of good and bad but much better than worse. Remember the thing I said about the “Secret”. That thinking positive can make a difference. Well guess what it did. And I will tell you how.

It all worked out. Even the Godfather thing. I got to try out the Godfather techs as well. It was crazy. But they will all come one by one. Will tell all. I think I will write one blog post in one day. That way I should be able to complete all that I want to say.

To start at the beginning, I landed in Kolkata at about 8:15 AM. The minute I landed I knew that the air was a whole lot thicker than in Delhi and that sweating would be a serious problem. I took a taxi to the Kolkata East branch office. This is where the fun begins. I land in front of this popular office complex where the office is supposed to be and the guard tells me that the office has moved. !!!!!!!!!!!

I am in sweltering heat with a carry suitcase, a handbag and a backpack and this fellow tells me that the office is not there. Where then is it? He does not know.

So here is where the magic of the “Secret” starts to work. I could have beaten myself over it or gotten angry at the Head office for not letting me on the right address. But I took the other way round. I decided to avoid letting the bad things come to my mind. That is what the “Secret” says. I had to lug my luggage for some time but I reached the office. This is where all started going north. My trainer was great and the office people seemed all nice.

The same thing happened in the evening. I had to get to this hotel in some part of town that I no idea about. And just when I was thinking that I was in a fix, 3 girls helped me. Can you believe that? 8:30 PM in the streets and 3 girls agree to hold on to my luggage so that I can sit in front with the autowala and travel. In Kolkata there are no meter autos. Only shared shuttles. Then not only did they help me there but even helped me into a crowded bus.

I mean everything was working like the universe was actually conspiring to make things work for me. It seemed that I had some guardian angel working for me. And this was just the beginning. There are so many other things that happended that made me think that the “Secret” thing really works. But all that in the next post. Till then.

Tata.

I don't trust time...

No I don't. I hate what it has done to me in the past and I am never going to trust it again. 

Every time I put something off for later, thinking mayve now was not a good time or that I can always do it later, I have suffered for my thinking. Even now I know there are some things that I leave for later and I know in my heart that I will regret not doing them. 

Some of those things have reached the point of impossiblity. Even though my own logic says-"That it never gets too late for anything, it only gets more difficult".

There are the smaller less important things that I have started taking care off. I don't let them pile up and bother me anymore. Like I need to get some Booze for the party tonight. I am not leaving it for later. I can get it late as well but why take the chance?

It's the more important things. The more macro things that I deliberatley keep of the "Time Logic" scanner. I am going to start taking them on one by one. And I need to keep an eye on my writing as well. Something tells me that when I start writing sense I will have started thinking like a grown up too.

tata

Having nothing to do is the worst thing to happen...

I have nothing to do. Nothing at all.

It is the worst thing that can happen to a person. I am not a hardwrking person. I like to idle my time away. But this is madenning. 

Everybody else seems to have so much to do. The ones without a job are preparing for the next interview and the ones that have a job are at home visiting their folks.

I have a job and I see my folks all the time, more so nowadays becasue I go home so often. It's like God is punishing me for having it all. 

But I had a good time to think. I thought of quite a few things. Things that I should have figured out a long time ago. Know I haven't figured them out. Just that now I know that I should have figured them out.

The only way to really feel like you won something after you win something is to put in so much in that winning that you have nothing else left. I was wondering what went wrong with me when I got my job. I was not feeling like I was on the top of the world. It is recession time and I am one of the few who have managed to get a job and mine is one of the best when it comes to Package anf profile. I was not happy, relived but not happy.

It's because I did not put in as much as I should have. I slacked and smart worked by way through. I knew that even if I don't get the PPO I will still manage it in the Placement Week in college. I was cocky and I was lazy. And luckily I was right. I got the PPI and I converted it to a job.

I never invested myself in it so much that my heart would go out to it. So when the goodies came, I was not as elated as I would have been had I worked harder, had I sweated some more. had I been in a positon that this momment would make or break me and then it would have come my way and I would have burst into tears. I missed it all because I did not work as hard as I probably could. 

Serves a lesson really. There would be a lot many oppurtunites where I will have the chance to put in my whole. I will have the choice to out in just however much is enough or put in all that I have and save nothing. If I win and I might win even with a smaller effort, the emotional rewards that will follow will be according to the efforts that I put in and not the rewards that come from the task.

Basically the happier I will be at every win I have will depend on how much I worked for the wins and not how lucky I get. 

The realization is there but I don't know how much of a difference it will bring in the way I get on with my business. I sure hope I take my own advice and take it well.

tata

Life and Relationships

I fell into talking with some of my friends about marriage and relationships. They are older than me and know people older than me. I was really a bystander. They spoke of people who were having difficulties in their mariages and how marriage as a concept fit in the larger scheme of things.

Boy....I felt so out of place...!!!

I don't even know if I have the courage to approach women anymore. 

I don;t know what the problem is. I think there is something in me that stops me from making the move. There is this girl that I like. I just like her. I don't know if I really will start liking her or not. I can only find out once I get to know her. But I can't do that unless I walk over to her and say hello. I just can't make myself do that. Something keeps making me think that I won't do it right or that it is not such a good idea. Something is definitely wrong with me.

I need to change that. I will change that. Before B-School ends. I am going to change the way I see the world and the way the world sees me. Yes I will.

See you guys later...

tata

The first day of the new year

And I am not doing anything....

Yup...!! I am a lazy fool who presently has nothing to do. So I am doing nothing. Better still I am planning to stop drinking as well. The damn thing doesn't do a thing for me. So here I am in the same room that I was yesterday, last year...doing nothing. 

But it is never too late to make resolutions. It is a ritual. You make a resolution and then how long you can hold on to it before you break it. Dad says that he is going to quit smoking. I think I can beat him with both hands tied and my neck in a brace. But I want him to quit!! Just know that he had made the same resolution last year as well.

Why don't I get nice snaps? All my pics are funny looking. I mean I look like a freak or a psycho. If I try to look serious it looks like I have lost my job or something (It is recession time and I am one of the few who have a job...so you know losing a job right now can make you look really sad). So I really need to figure out how to change things because I figured that if I look thaaaat bad in a photo then I prbably don't look like Adonis in real life either yeah? So my new year resolution is to do something about that. 

Wait Wait...!!

You don't get the entire picture. I don't intend to only look good. I know for sure that it is not going to work in that way. I have seen very good looking people look stupid once you begin to know them better coz they are empty shells. I intend to be a completly upgraded version of myself in this new year. Should be fun to try....see I get immediate rewards. 

Plus I have nothing else to worry about. I have a job and the grades don't matter any more. I do need to learn something about the job that I am going to do but still my mind will be relatively free. So I was thinking what all to do...?

There is the physique yeah? I have to lose some of the flab. Then there is the wardrobe. I am thinking ..if I iron my clothes more often and wash them from time to time....I should not have a problem in that area. The trouble is discipline. It seems a concept meant for astro physicists when it comes to me. I simply don't know how to have discipine in my life. I guess quite a few of those problem will go away if I can get around this one. 

Chalo no issues....What else is there?

hhhhmmmmmmm.......hmmmmmm.......hmmmmm......

You know what? I am shy.

Yes I know.....in case you know me, you must be thinking that last night's drink is still in the system. No, that is not true. I am shy. In a very strange manner. 

I am crazy fella really....But there are things that I am shy about. Like the way I feel for someone...or When I want to do something outrageous but I stop thinking that .....well it all comes to the mess that I am when I feel funny about some one. I just don't know what to say?...what to do? I am a complete mess. 

Must do something about that.....What? I don't know...Will have to figure that one out. 

And what else?

It has been suggested that sometimes I am a complete idiot. That sometimes I fail to pick the simplest and most obvious hints. 

I am not without blame here. Sometimes I delibrately shut my senses down. I like it that way....

You know....when I am with friends....I kinda like to not think that much about things. 

Well it seems that my friends don't share my enthusiasm in this respect. So from here on......

no no

I am not going to be a complete non-idiot. That is me and that will remain......

But I will try to be a better idiot than before ...as in I will try to keep my senses intact for a slightly longer time than usual. Give the guys a break so to speak.....

I think the trick will be to keep the antennae up and not care for the signals until some red flag comes up. Right now I think I shut the system and dump in some corner of my mind. I gotta let the system run and not be bothered by it till some alarms start ringing. That might just do the trick. See what a good guy I am....I do so much for my friends...!!!

Well I think those are mighty decent resolutions. How sooon I break them...only time will tell.

till the next time I come here to download my thoughts.....

tata

Happy New Year

I am drunk..

The people I was drinking with are sleeping in the room that I am writing this entry. They whiskey hit him harder that it hit me.

It was an eventful night. A whole lot more than just some new year celebration happened. Especially with the 2 people snoring away in tandem in the bed right in front of me. 

I have a funny pain in the left side of my abdomen and Goutam said it was indigestion. Thank god for that. I thought that the whiskey was hitting my liver instead of my brain.

It all started with the drinking in the room. When some one found out that a something very close to their heart has been taken away from them. There was always an expectation that something like that would happen but it still hurt like hell. And there was a message from some one to some one and that was too very unexpected yet desired but it could have happened and was perrhaps not the best things to be.

I am tired.

The whiskey seems to have taken offence when I said that it was useless as it was not affecting me one bit. It has started hitting my head like .....I dont know...something very persistant and very hard. I might not be able to say all that I want to say....But I will try my best.

What is Love? How much is it worth?

These are the questions that were on the table tonight. I also had a friend....a sceptic, and for no unnecessary reason...was also there. He lamented the fact as to how a women can be so much of a puzzle and the doubt as to whether she was worth all the trouble.

My drinking partner just found about his loss. He knew it was a long time coming and he took it like a man. But there is only so much that a man can do or take.....

The whiskey took control or loosened some from his....and he said it all....

The loss of this kind can really tear a person apart. Can break the strongest of people. Such is the power or the deceit of love. The sceptic was feeling glad that he had fallen in the trap long before he had learned the cruel ways in which the world worked. That he was stupid when he fell in love and that he was a much smarter person now. But I say.....who can fight with somrthing like love.

"My life is over" is somthing so easily said. But to say it a person needs to go through an immense amount of pain. It is like accepting defeat. A man does that only when he feels he cannot win.....or does not want to win. 

I saw 2 of my friends say or feel the same way tonight. Maybe not a very good way to start the year....but certainly a promising start. For no matter what it is.... a strong event such as this will always result in a reaction. It is not a simple little fluctuation in the regular scheme of things that will frustrate you with its uslessness. It will have results. Whether they are good or bad will depend on the people who they are concerned with.

And I remain.....

The whiskey did not do its part. I was to be drunk to the extent that my speech would slur and I would have difficulty in speaking properly. I know then that I am drunk.

That did not happen....so I remain unchanged. Only now the alcohol seems to be reaching my head. I have loved. But I seek the same or perhaps more in some other person now. 

Does that mean that I was not trully in love with her? I don' know. I don't think so. 

I loved her. But now that is in the past and I want to find that love again. And I will do that. 

I will atleast try. 

Because that is all that I can do. And if I think that I will lose in doing that, by implication it means that there is no purpose for me now. And if I think that I will succeed in doing that, by implication it means that I will succeed in overcoming in whatever I face right now.

I like it believe that my reasoning is correct. That is what keeps me on. 

Avery good year to all of you out there....and to my friends who have found themselves in a very tricky situation in the very beginning of the year.

See you later then....

tata 

The Strangest Things......

Hey fellas....

I am sitting in Neeraj's room. He has a paper tomorrow and he is watching "The Matrix". I sure hope he has done his calculation is right. If he gets the certification from tomorrow's paper he has some hope of getting a good job in the coming Placement Week. Else he is toast!!!

The people he is up against are far more prepared than he is. But the person he really is up against is himself. The people who know him will know what I am talking about. 

Sometimes I feel that the same thing is true for all of us. Isn't it us ...... We are the ones who decide when to give up, when to stop trying any more. We decide when to just slip a little bit and not put in all the effort that is really warranted. We decide....we decide...we decide...!!!

And then we say that luck was not working for us...!!

Don't know about others but I sure do that. I don't quite know why I sat down to write this entry. It was something important...but I can't seem to remember any more.....

Was telling him about the multipliers that lives hands out to us. He had me really depressed with his talk last night. So much so that even I felt like he had the right idea. The guy can be an idiot at times.

Multipliers that life hands us. Funny is it not....but that seems just like what life is like. You do a lot of work, you are careful that certain things don't go wrong and then life hands you a mulitplier for all the efforts that you put in. It can be a 1, then all that you did gives the right result. Or it could be a 2 or a 3....windfall....it could be a 0.....no dooghnut for you....or something in between.

The only thing that you can do is to keep trying. Whats the point wondering what the next multiplier is going to be. Let it be. Just keep on working for what else is there?

Things can be so remarkably simple if you want it to. People and sometimes me....or a whole lot of times me....just don't understand. 

I have a few months to spare before life takes a drastic turn for me. I don't know what multipliers are gonna come.... The only thing that I know is that I am not putting in all the I should be putting in for the right kinda results.

But I think I deserves little rest right now....

New year....yes that is when I really start on the new stuff.....

yup that sounds just right.....

till then...I sleep....

later 

tata

I am Placed....!!!

I dont know if I had made any mention of the fact that I was preparing for a placement interview. Well I was...and I made it.

It happened yesterday morning. I had a bad cold and a sore throat. It was all looking bad.

I walked in to the college back gate. the car was not there. The nutter was supposed to be there.

It was already time. 

I walked over to the Taxi Station.....the nutters were still there. I ask them:"Boss, What happened?????"

Well the driver in context was washing clothes......

So he comes and sits in the car....the car won't start.....!!!! Horror Horror......

So here I am, in my nerves, shaking in the morning cold and my nervous sweat and the nut of a cr won't start.

Well the started 'Push Starting' it. So my driver is in the car and they start pushing.....

He does not turn in time and the car backs into some pots in the building right in front of the Taxi Station.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So now I am late...I have a Driver who moonlights as a Washerman....or the other way around and he drives like a nut.....atleast backs like one....!!!

Well the Pots and Plants were cleared and the driver was delt some mean blows on the head by the other fellas....as if he was not dazed enough!

I walk over to him....he seems ok....a sorry grin on his face. 

Me: "Bhayia, Gurgaon ke raste aate hain?"

Driver(Nut): "Haan aate hain"

Me: "Globas Business Park pata hai?"

Driver(Nut): "Woh aap bata dena"   

Me:"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

F@!#@#$@#

I specifically told those fellows that I want a guy who will know where Global Business Park will be. I told then that my road sense sucks!!!!!

This morning was really turning into something. 

So we leave, me and my semi-dazed driver.

We reached the place all right. Even though it seems that we arrived in the reverse manner..as in we reached the destination without crossing the landmarks we were supposed to cross. Just when we were expecting to see the landmarks, I see this building that looks just like the one I was supposed to be in.

Well Well....All is fine. I ask my Driver to give me his number so that I can call him in case we were in the wrong place or if he went some palce andI needed him. 

Driver(Certainly a Nut): "Woh toh waheen raha gaya"

I have yet not experience a more promising morning.

So I walk into this big building.....with huge walls and pillars....as if I don't know that they are trying to intimidate me with them....huh!!

I walk into the Office and Voila!!!!  Everything just changed......

The air was different or some instinct had just kicked in....I was not feeling like the fippity flappity fish out of the water any more.

The suit felt more like my skin than I had ever felt. There was something different there. Something that felt like it should have come earlier and I was wondering why it did not, but I had no idea wht it was.

But it was there.

I had reached the office an hour early. But they were ok with that. The person who was to interview me was there. So I was called in.

From there on everything went wrong.....but it was all right!!!

I answered all the questions wrong! "Some thing about yourself"....I never prepare for that question because I answer impromptu...and suddenly I didnot know what to say.

Then there were some concept questions and even then I was having a tough time finding my feet in the whole process. But somehow my answers kept hitting the right places.

The right notes...the right kind of rhythm. The guy was liking what I was saying. He was forgiving what I was saying wrong....I was making good comebacks from every rebuke....!!

I was still some kind of daze. My voice was sounding alien to me.....apart from the fact that it was sore but still...alien.

And then it happened.....He asked me a question that has tortured me throught my life....

"What is 2.5% of 7"

I suck so badly at maths that I can die from it. I said...guessed...".0028"

"Think Again" he said....

Well I could figure out that it was 175 but how many decimals.....shit I was so blowing it.....

".00175"...it was a guess and I was betting my life on it.

"Right"...he said.....

And it was done....

He shook my hand and said it was good....I have given a good interview he said....

I had my appointment letter in my hand after 10 mins.

I have a job now....yeah....Level 1 "Cleared"

Onto Level 2 - "The on Job performance"

Bring it on....I am game...!!

later 

tata

 

Times are Strange.....

They really are. 

Things just won't look up. One of the friends is feeling suicidal, the job scenario is bad and the exams aren't making things any better. Most of all I have been feeling this emptiness inside. I don't know what it is.

It always happens when I have some thing big coming up. I cant concentrate on anything else. Everything seems unimportant and it seems like nothing else is worth the while. 

All gets topsy turvy because of it. I cant get any decent amount of work done. There is the fear that the thing that I am waiting for might not turn out well and there is the worry that because of this I am screwing the other important things.

But it might be something else entirely. I am kinda hoping it is ....because then I would have wasted my time and worried for something important.

Feel like talking to some one. But don't know what to talk about. Something is just not in place.

I have a very important job interview on Monday. If I make it then there will be some 5 months of no work and all play. And in case I don't make it......then there is as much more work and agonisation over what went wrong.

Have to do something about this. They keep saying that one should enjoy the journey and not the destination alone. good solid sense. But how do you make it happen???

I should be enjoying the journey right now. The excitement or the feeling of antiicpation.....

but instead I am simmering in my limbo......

how does one enjoy the journey...???  Have to figure this one out....maybe I will figure out the way to live my entire life happily in case I can figure it out.....

how to enjoy the Journey?

how...

till later

tata

Hey

I am not much of a blogger. As you can see from the number of posts that I have made all this time. But lets say that it was the past and I wish to now mend my ways. There was a blog thing that I started with my pals and it did not work. But it told me somthing.... That I can blog and blog pretty well. 

So here I am... will be doing this more often when my papers get over. The only thing with blogs that I don't like is that it is a one way communication. I mean you never know if some one is reading it or not. So who are you talking to.

This makes writing the posts so difficult.

but no fear......will go on and write them anyways.....

till the next post...

tata

reservation

there is a lot that is being said about the OBC's. There are a lot of rhetoric questions but nobody seems to know what the real statistics are.
A few things that should be made clear--
1. how much have the OBCs increased in number since the last mandal comission.
2. how many of them got the seats that were offered to them and how are they faring now?
3. how does a particular caste get selected and i mean not the judicial process but the process in which they really get selected?


these qs must be answered before anyone can take astand.

also one of the ost suprising aspects of the protests. only a handful of the engineering students are taking part. where are thw rest? what happened to all the private institutions. they are not in the quota process but they are still students and understand the hardships.
they should als take part.
where are you guys.

hi

well i am new here.
first time i am even thinking of writing a blog.
what i want to do is to let out some of the feelings that i have. that i probably won't tell others personaly.
here goes....