Later
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Harmonica and Me
I have started practicing on my harmonica. It is not really something that I am doing whole heartedly - I have other things on my mind which are far more important. But I keep this on the side and it takes my mind of things. I call her - Buzz, Buzzy for a nick name. I call her a she because well she is always on my lips and if something is going to be on my lips its gotta be a chick else it is coming off. I call her Buzz because hey I like to get a buzz now and then and it sounds to me like the way the sound probably is made inside the Harmonica.
Thats my babe right there - a Hohner Big River 10 hole harp. I like to talk to it while I am taking a break from kissing it deeply. Its like getting to know her - nice and patiently, just like we should with a woman but we never do. Since I am really having a dry streak these days - I think I better use my courting skills on her. She is not to be taken lightly though. I better stick with her on a daily basis and be nice to her and all. Find out how she feels about different things - how I hold her, how I caress each hole with my tongue and which way she likes to be played. She makes the most beautiful music when I do it right and I get a bad shrill sssss when I do it wrong - thats right she hisses right back when I do it wrong. She is one bad girl. But I guess I will make her love me eventually. Eventually.
Later
Later
Rebecca and her videos...
There is a music teacher - Rebecca and she blogs on youtube. I think I will start doing that too once I have the time and the equipment for it. Takes a different type of preparation - retakes if you make a mistake or say something that you don't want to go on the air. Not like in a regular blog post where you can just hit delete and all is well again. In a video blog you have to have a retake or it is pretty easy to see that you just made an edit somewhere.
I am adding just one of her songs below. Please this is not her best song, she has much better ones on her channel. I just found it immensely funny. Listen to the words - the song is not about food stuff believe me!!
Here is another song - this one is much better if you want to be impressed by the lyrics and all....
Someday I am going to post videos like that too....hopefully someday soon.
Later
I am adding just one of her songs below. Please this is not her best song, she has much better ones on her channel. I just found it immensely funny. Listen to the words - the song is not about food stuff believe me!!
Here is another song - this one is much better if you want to be impressed by the lyrics and all....
Someday I am going to post videos like that too....hopefully someday soon.
Later
Monday, September 13, 2010
Rituals
This is a follow up from the post I wrote on symbols. I said then that there is a possibility that we can use symbols to control ourselves and make us do more of what we want to do than what we end up doing in the moment. Today I say that we can do the same perhaps in tandem with the symbols or without them, with rituals.
Rituals are not new as we might think or too old as some would argue. We still practice them in our regular daily lives without paying that much attention to it. Remember the prayer in the morning or when your parents asked you to say a silent prayer to the picture or idol just near the entrance just before you leave for work or school. Think of the lamp lighting ceremony that we have in the beginning of any festival or project. We do it all the time and we do not notice it. We have been doing this from the old days as well. Remember the rituals where the women will pray before the men went to fight in the wars. And the rituals of the different festivals where we do the same things that we do every year or basically the same thing but in different ways. So why not develop a few rituals for ourselves? And how do these rituals help anyways?
Again it is all in the mind. When one steps out of the house after a prayer he has the added hope that god will look after him, he does not think of it consciously mind you. The same was with the women praying for their men when the went to the battle. Same is with the conch and shell and the trumpets before charging into the enemy lines - they all help boost the mind. The feeling of wellbeing and the feeling that there is something out there helping and urging us on. But is there?? No. And if we look a little harder we can say that they hardly make any difference because they are based on a elusive figure of God and of transparent and imaginary elements called wishes and fate and luck!! A thinking man line you and me will know this and dismiss it, how then can we use it to our benefit? How can the man who knows that they are mere hoaxes use it to boost him? This is where we mix science with the arts of the old. The ancient people were not blind, they knew what they were doing, at least the smart ones did. They knew that the people needed something to believe in, something supernatural, so that they could go and try to do the impossible. Again here it was always possible but the people thought it was impossible. We now know the truth so what will work for us will be a ritual that reminds us not of the God or the blessings of the ones we love but of ourselves. A ritual that will remind us of who we are and what we have done to reach here. When we next step on to go to war, whether it be an interview or a job, we need something to remind us that we have worked hard till now and that we have built ourselves enough to come to a point where we deserve it. The battle is won before the fight has begun because we have paid the price. There is nothing unreal here. It is the simple visible truth.
This ritual will work in two simple ways. When we are finally at the point where we begin the war or the job at hand - it might even be asking out that girl you want to ask out or go for that achievement you have been preparing for years - the ritual will remind us of what all we have gone through. All the last minute jitters will go away and we will know that we deserve to win this fight. That we have changed from the person we were before we started preparing and now have become some one who is worthy of the prize. That alone can do away with all last minute apprehensions and the battle as they say is half won.
The other way the ritual helps is in the preparation. The ritual must be repeated at the beginning of any leg of the preparation. That way the person will be focused at the job or the practice or the preparation exercise at hand. He will know that a miss here or a half attention or half effort here will have a heavy price to pay in the end when he is about to perform at the test. When he performs the ritual then - he will know that he did not do enough at that moment of practice. This is fear enough for a person to make sure that he puts in all that he has at preparing for the task. It is also an incentive for the one who believes that what he is doing now is futile and that it will come to no good. When he performs the ritual he will know as he can almost see himself performing the ritual in the end and feeling satisfied that he did enough to be deserving of this prize that he is after.
There is much that needs to be thought of before one can safely say that the ritual is infallible. Hell, there may not be any way in which it can be made so. But over time it can become the driving force in the achievements that we make. It is a matter of habit. Designing the ritual is again something that needs to be thought about. How can it be so simple yet so definitive that it can be applied to all targets in life. Something that can be the driving force to be a better competitor and perhaps to be a better man.
More on this when I understand some more......
And hey, feel free to tell me if there is something that you feel will help in figuring out the problem.
Later
The other way the ritual helps is in the preparation. The ritual must be repeated at the beginning of any leg of the preparation. That way the person will be focused at the job or the practice or the preparation exercise at hand. He will know that a miss here or a half attention or half effort here will have a heavy price to pay in the end when he is about to perform at the test. When he performs the ritual then - he will know that he did not do enough at that moment of practice. This is fear enough for a person to make sure that he puts in all that he has at preparing for the task. It is also an incentive for the one who believes that what he is doing now is futile and that it will come to no good. When he performs the ritual he will know as he can almost see himself performing the ritual in the end and feeling satisfied that he did enough to be deserving of this prize that he is after.
There is much that needs to be thought of before one can safely say that the ritual is infallible. Hell, there may not be any way in which it can be made so. But over time it can become the driving force in the achievements that we make. It is a matter of habit. Designing the ritual is again something that needs to be thought about. How can it be so simple yet so definitive that it can be applied to all targets in life. Something that can be the driving force to be a better competitor and perhaps to be a better man.
More on this when I understand some more......
And hey, feel free to tell me if there is something that you feel will help in figuring out the problem.
Later
Sunday, September 12, 2010
What do you need to live?
A challenge. That is all you need. And not just a challenge for a life or an era or a decade or a year....but a challenge in every moment. Because in that moment if you want to do something or know something or believe in something then you are alive....else it is just another moment you never noticed that passed away. Hell, even the time you take off to take a breather - the challenge then is to cool down then, isn't it?
The day you feel that you have nothing else to do...that is the day you die!
And you know .....among all this bravado....still ...... I still want to have that safe haven where I could hide...the circle of people where I could be protected...!!
I want to fight and be a fighter....but hey...it would be nice if.....aaaahhh what the hell!!
My heads a blurr...!!
Later
A challenge. That is all you need. And not just a challenge for a life or an era or a decade or a year....but a challenge in every moment. Because in that moment if you want to do something or know something or believe in something then you are alive....else it is just another moment you never noticed that passed away. Hell, even the time you take off to take a breather - the challenge then is to cool down then, isn't it?
The day you feel that you have nothing else to do...that is the day you die!
And you know .....among all this bravado....still ...... I still want to have that safe haven where I could hide...the circle of people where I could be protected...!!
I want to fight and be a fighter....but hey...it would be nice if.....aaaahhh what the hell!!
My heads a blurr...!!
Later
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Does success ever get to you?
I don't mean that you become too much of a prick, I am saying do you ever become a slave to it. Tell me what happens when you cannot leave it any more. What happens when you lose more than you gain? I don't ever want to be in a position where I won't be able to walk away from it.
There is a movie - Heat.
Robert De Niro is the crook with a golden heart. Great movie but what I want to talk about is a line from it.
Line from the movie:
A guy told me one time, "Don't let yourself get attached to anything you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you feel the heat around the corner."
I don't want to be such a situation where the job or the salary or anything else becomes so much a need that I can't walk away from it when I want to. I know that as times passes one gets family and responsibilities it becomes a problem. Some times the game or the job or something becomes too much for a person - damn I don't want that to happen to me. But I guess no one wants to - but it happens. This is where I want to be different. I want to make sure that I remember to keep what's important real. When the time comes to walk away from something I will walk away from it.
I don't want to become the guy that walks away from responsibility - I don't want to be the guy that no one can depend on but I won't fall in a trap. No....no no no...!!
How....I am learning ain't I? I will get this one too....!!
Later
There is a movie - Heat.
Robert De Niro is the crook with a golden heart. Great movie but what I want to talk about is a line from it.
Line from the movie:
A guy told me one time, "Don't let yourself get attached to anything you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you feel the heat around the corner."
I don't want to be such a situation where the job or the salary or anything else becomes so much a need that I can't walk away from it when I want to. I know that as times passes one gets family and responsibilities it becomes a problem. Some times the game or the job or something becomes too much for a person - damn I don't want that to happen to me. But I guess no one wants to - but it happens. This is where I want to be different. I want to make sure that I remember to keep what's important real. When the time comes to walk away from something I will walk away from it.
I don't want to become the guy that walks away from responsibility - I don't want to be the guy that no one can depend on but I won't fall in a trap. No....no no no...!!
How....I am learning ain't I? I will get this one too....!!
Later
Friday, September 10, 2010
Symbols
The power of a symbol does not come from the symbol itself. When some one is introduced to some new symbol there is no way he or she can be affected by it. One must know something about it or have some knowledge of symbols to make inferences of the patterns that make the symbol. But once it becomes popular it has the ability to have power of men. Say a simple example will be that of a Skull. Wherever there is a Skull symbol immediately one knows that it is the symbol of Danger or fear. Something is wrong there. This is how it plays on one's mind. To make a man shake in his mind, to make him more prone to nervous mistakes - all one has to do is expose him to sufficient symbols of danger. The same can be said about positive symbols. A room is a simple room but becomes a place of prayer when a few Crosses or idols are put there. Add a few portraits of gods and suddenly it becomes a haven for safety. There is no safety there but people will feel a lot safer and more in control of their fear there. That is all there is to symbols. A flag is nothing but a pattern - but put in the right place and in the right fashion it can drive the patriotic feelings in a normally indifferent man. But all this is not the reason why it caught my attention right now. I have never claimed to be altruistic - and I won't now. I want to use them for my benefit.
The main purpose of a symbol is to evoke a particular mental image or a feeling inside the mind. This can be used to one's own benefit. We keep telling others how to do the right thing and sometimes we tell ourselves as well but we find it the hardest to follow this advice. Is there a way in which symbols can made to come to our aid here? I think there is. But to do so we must either use the commonly known symbols or make our very own. If we use the commonly used symbols we run the risk of the world knowing our little secret - we can't have that now can we? So what do we do - We make our very own set. But I am getting ahead of myself here. I need to find a way to make them work for me first - and figure out how they will affect me. I need to be the one who has control over them in the end.
There are times when I forget or choose to forget facts. When I deliberately take that longer than necessary break or when I let pass an opportunity - I need something to remind me of these transgressions I make against my own will. A symbol that reminds me just before the act can deter me perhaps. A simple symbol - made powerful by repeating over and over again - like a mantra - the moment I see it - all the convincing I had done and all the thoughts and all the planning will come back in a second and I will have in a way asked myself the question - The act you are about to commit now - is that the right thing? I don't think that there will be so much in words or sentences that will go through my mind then - just a simple warning...like an image of me looking at me nodding his head and wagging a finger at me - telling me that I am being naughty. And not just this. Symbols can be used for happy thoughts as well. Just imagine the 'Stick Man' - The man we draw with sticks and a circle for his head. Imagine in your head a stick man family - doesn't it evoke the feeling of warmth in you - don't you think of your family then. Hide it away - such a symbol - something that you would see some time in the future when you are looking for something maybe - something that would make you remember of some good time or some happy thought. Who knows....you might be in a sour mood then and this would just make it all disappear.
I don't know how much of this will actually work - and how strong the reaction will be but there seems to be something in this. There seems to be something here that can be made to work. I will keep trying. Maybe figure a way out to trap that bad boy I got for a mind - make it a slave to what I really want. I am gonna look into this one. I got a good feeling about it.
Cheers
later
The main purpose of a symbol is to evoke a particular mental image or a feeling inside the mind. This can be used to one's own benefit. We keep telling others how to do the right thing and sometimes we tell ourselves as well but we find it the hardest to follow this advice. Is there a way in which symbols can made to come to our aid here? I think there is. But to do so we must either use the commonly known symbols or make our very own. If we use the commonly used symbols we run the risk of the world knowing our little secret - we can't have that now can we? So what do we do - We make our very own set. But I am getting ahead of myself here. I need to find a way to make them work for me first - and figure out how they will affect me. I need to be the one who has control over them in the end.
There are times when I forget or choose to forget facts. When I deliberately take that longer than necessary break or when I let pass an opportunity - I need something to remind me of these transgressions I make against my own will. A symbol that reminds me just before the act can deter me perhaps. A simple symbol - made powerful by repeating over and over again - like a mantra - the moment I see it - all the convincing I had done and all the thoughts and all the planning will come back in a second and I will have in a way asked myself the question - The act you are about to commit now - is that the right thing? I don't think that there will be so much in words or sentences that will go through my mind then - just a simple warning...like an image of me looking at me nodding his head and wagging a finger at me - telling me that I am being naughty. And not just this. Symbols can be used for happy thoughts as well. Just imagine the 'Stick Man' - The man we draw with sticks and a circle for his head. Imagine in your head a stick man family - doesn't it evoke the feeling of warmth in you - don't you think of your family then. Hide it away - such a symbol - something that you would see some time in the future when you are looking for something maybe - something that would make you remember of some good time or some happy thought. Who knows....you might be in a sour mood then and this would just make it all disappear.
I don't know how much of this will actually work - and how strong the reaction will be but there seems to be something in this. There seems to be something here that can be made to work. I will keep trying. Maybe figure a way out to trap that bad boy I got for a mind - make it a slave to what I really want. I am gonna look into this one. I got a good feeling about it.
Cheers
later
Tuesday, September 07, 2010
If only I had mail...!!
I like the thought that every single day there would be this thought that there could be mail from this someone. Every time I open my mail box I will be sitting up expecting that little message from that friend. Some one I can tell anything that I want. Some one who can trust me just as much. And the fact that we never meet or that we might never meet adds to the amount of trust that one can put into these messages. You can just be the person that you wish to be. After some time I think we all want to be who we really are. I don't think anyone wants to keep getting credit for things they did not do. The guilt sets in eventually. But you might be some one in reality yet hide that from the people around you, afraid that they will judge you if they knew. Here I could just be myself and the person on the other end would just accept me, not because it is the right thing to do or I am right in assuming some thing about myself but because I will do the same for the other person. After all - there are times when we want to be become some one but are stuck at some place . And when some one believes in you and that you might actually be that person, maybe you might have just a little more of a push to go ahead and be that person.
And of course the want for that elusive thing called 'love'. I don't even know anymore if it makes sense to keep looking for 'the' person. I mean should we not just look for some one who would just be decently close to what we want or maybe some one with whom you just feel good. Accept the fact that the person is not going to be perfect and that maybe there is a person some place in this world or perhaps in this universe whom you have not yet met and she is the perfect person for you, so what....you have not met that person have you. Chances are that you won't. Why not make it the best thing you have with this one person who perhaps not the perfect match for you but is still here with you, making a similar effort to be the best she can, for you. Soul mates are over-rated. Simple. Be with the person you are with and make it the best you can turn it into.
Of course in my case I can't even find some one who is willing to give it a shot with me. Damn...I suck!!!
Later
Monday, September 06, 2010
New crazy thoughts.....
.jpg)
Nothing is written in stone yet and it might be a passing thought...but I have always wanted to play an instrument and this one seems mighty handy - you know you can put it in your pocket and all...!!
I hear that learning it will be easy - you have a number of tutorials on youtube they say.
All in all a thought no less....lets see if this one sees the light....
Cheers!!
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Strong Women
I have a weakness for them. It has been like that forever. When I look back and see all the women (or girls back then) that I have been attracted to - they were all strong. When I say this please donot start thinking of them women of wrestling, I know a few of you nuts would start thinking of them right away - but that is not what I am talking about. I mean women who are strong emotionally - who seem to make those tough decisions when others can't, the ones on whom you can depend upon. I just fall straight in love with them. Even the characters in movies - I have a special attraction for those tough minded gals. But how to define the characteristic that I find attractive? What does she have that reels me straight in? It is hard to explain. I guess I just need to have some one on my team on whom I can depend upon. A grown up version of my childhood fantasy of having a pal I could grow up with. Some one who could watch my back and I would watch hers. Hehe - you dirty minded freak - I meant that in a good way.
But I wonder what girls in usual think they want. I say 'think' because you never really know what you actually want. Coz here I am hoping I find some one who can give me a run for my money and if the girls are looking for some one who can shelter and protect them - maybe I am looking at a level higher than what I should be. Damn there are so many things to worry about - couldn't this girl thing be any easier...Damn!
Later
But I wonder what girls in usual think they want. I say 'think' because you never really know what you actually want. Coz here I am hoping I find some one who can give me a run for my money and if the girls are looking for some one who can shelter and protect them - maybe I am looking at a level higher than what I should be. Damn there are so many things to worry about - couldn't this girl thing be any easier...Damn!
Later
Friday, August 27, 2010
First, the news - My friend just started to write a blog, I think it will help her get a new perspective of her life and how she wants to live it, and I just saw an episode of Scrubs and now feel immensely inspired by it.
People get their inspirations from such wondrous places - Newton found his from an apple that fell from the tree, Leonardo da vinci and the rest must have had some thing too, Archimedes came up with the theory from the bath tub he was in but then took it to a grade higher by running through the streets naked shouting "Eureka".
Me - My inspirations come from comics, cartoons, movies and comedy serials. I have already written a post about the inspiration I got from a comic in this blog - today is the chance for the Comedy soap to shine!!
First, the confession - I am a whiner, a needy approval junkie, people pleaser and constantly in need for help!!
Ok not all of those at the same time, not necessarily even one all the time. Comprende?
Damn - I better put that disclaimer banner soon or shits gonna fall from heaven - on my head.
So here is the deal - I know somewhere in my head that I am all these things so I make sure that they don't show. Most of the time when I am of saving the world (read - doing office work or being responsible for something) I don't even feel the presence of these little quirks of mine - but when I let loose and be myself, oops I am in trouble.
I like to be assured that I am doing the right thing by some one who I respect - this is usually someone who i feel can do the job at hand better or seems to know how not to let these worries worry him or her. Any one who shows me up on any job becomes immediately some one who I worship - Disclaimer - not all the time - this happens in moments of extreme weakness. Damn!!
And now I think I need to remedy it - that too when I am up against some tough decisions which can make or break my career no wait my life!!
So what to do - fight my demons just when I need these crutches that I depend upon the most - or you know - postpone the whole problem for when there are clear blue skies?? Damn!!!
My mentor seems to have gotten wind of the fact already - he is already cutting the umbilical cord - Asking me to make my own decisions. See if I follow keep following his lead I will end up some place lower than if I do things myself and depend on myself. And it makes perfect sense - If I need his help all the time then I guess I am better off at a lower competition place! So there - Keep asking for directions - thus prove that you are incompetent and determined to stay that way - so go to the lesser place. Follow your own lead - thus prove that you are determined to change your habits and become self reliant - a quality you will need to survive in a tougher more prestigious situation - thus prove your worth and go to a better higher place.
Where do I get these brilliant ideas - from comedy soaps!
My ideas are great.
I suck!!
Later.
People get their inspirations from such wondrous places - Newton found his from an apple that fell from the tree, Leonardo da vinci and the rest must have had some thing too, Archimedes came up with the theory from the bath tub he was in but then took it to a grade higher by running through the streets naked shouting "Eureka".
Me - My inspirations come from comics, cartoons, movies and comedy serials. I have already written a post about the inspiration I got from a comic in this blog - today is the chance for the Comedy soap to shine!!
First, the confession - I am a whiner, a needy approval junkie, people pleaser and constantly in need for help!!
Ok not all of those at the same time, not necessarily even one all the time. Comprende?
Damn - I better put that disclaimer banner soon or shits gonna fall from heaven - on my head.
So here is the deal - I know somewhere in my head that I am all these things so I make sure that they don't show. Most of the time when I am of saving the world (read - doing office work or being responsible for something) I don't even feel the presence of these little quirks of mine - but when I let loose and be myself, oops I am in trouble.
I like to be assured that I am doing the right thing by some one who I respect - this is usually someone who i feel can do the job at hand better or seems to know how not to let these worries worry him or her. Any one who shows me up on any job becomes immediately some one who I worship - Disclaimer - not all the time - this happens in moments of extreme weakness. Damn!!
And now I think I need to remedy it - that too when I am up against some tough decisions which can make or break my career no wait my life!!
So what to do - fight my demons just when I need these crutches that I depend upon the most - or you know - postpone the whole problem for when there are clear blue skies?? Damn!!!
My mentor seems to have gotten wind of the fact already - he is already cutting the umbilical cord - Asking me to make my own decisions. See if I follow keep following his lead I will end up some place lower than if I do things myself and depend on myself. And it makes perfect sense - If I need his help all the time then I guess I am better off at a lower competition place! So there - Keep asking for directions - thus prove that you are incompetent and determined to stay that way - so go to the lesser place. Follow your own lead - thus prove that you are determined to change your habits and become self reliant - a quality you will need to survive in a tougher more prestigious situation - thus prove your worth and go to a better higher place.
Where do I get these brilliant ideas - from comedy soaps!
My ideas are great.
I suck!!
Later.
Readers beware...!!
It is actually writers beware. It is nice that people read my blog and I kinda feel good about it. My friends know about it and I like to think that I am speaking to them when I write. But it also makes me be a little careful of what I write. Just the other day I saw a number of really cool pics which I wanted to share but the thought of all my lady friends kinda put it off. Then there was a obnoxious thought I had the last time and I wanted to blow it all out here but I stopped thinking that it would make me feel weak. Now that should not happen to a blog right?
You gotta write the way you feel.
So this is what I am planning to do. I am gonna stick a disclaimer on top - right below the name banner saying that the thoughts expressed below are the authors and the authors alone but mind you - only at the time they were written. So what I am trying to say is that if I sometimes come across as a lunatic or a sexually frustrated nutcase or a suicidal maniac...its just the way I was feeling then - Not me entirely. You have no idea how much effort it took to write the last line.
Damn. I will have to think of some mighty tricky but convincing wording for the banner.
Later
You gotta write the way you feel.
So this is what I am planning to do. I am gonna stick a disclaimer on top - right below the name banner saying that the thoughts expressed below are the authors and the authors alone but mind you - only at the time they were written. So what I am trying to say is that if I sometimes come across as a lunatic or a sexually frustrated nutcase or a suicidal maniac...its just the way I was feeling then - Not me entirely. You have no idea how much effort it took to write the last line.
Damn. I will have to think of some mighty tricky but convincing wording for the banner.
Later
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Monday, August 16, 2010
Facebook and catch up
Sometimes all I do on facebook is to look up my old friends and look at their pictures. Some sort of catch up on their lives. These people I knew so well. I saw them every day. Now we would probably pass across each other on the streets and not notice the other if some one did not point it out or we did not look directly at each other.
They have changed so much. I know that no one puts pictures with them looking worried - only smiles...!! But still I like to look at their faces and try and tell how they have been. They say that you always project your own mindset onto other people. When I see them I sure don't feel they are going through any of the crap I am going thru. Maybe I have not fallen too much then. They all look so happy. So complete - maybe I am jealous. I see a picture of a guy hugging his girlfriend. She is not your regular poster type beauty. She looks smart, some one with whom you have to contend with for some time before you finally get her to see it your way. Not some one you can sway away with a smile and sharp dressing or chocolates and loads of false pretentious doting. She would see it through before she fell for you. All this of course is imagination. I have never met her and am no expert on face reading. But he looks so happy. I am jealous. Not that he has this girl. She might be so not right for me. But he has some one with whom he looks happy. Maybe he really is. I hope he really is. I hope I will too some day. I too will come across my kinda gal. And when I find her what will I say? When I meet her what will I do? I don't have a clue..... :)
Maybe that is the problem...!!
haha
Later fellas.
They have changed so much. I know that no one puts pictures with them looking worried - only smiles...!! But still I like to look at their faces and try and tell how they have been. They say that you always project your own mindset onto other people. When I see them I sure don't feel they are going through any of the crap I am going thru. Maybe I have not fallen too much then. They all look so happy. So complete - maybe I am jealous. I see a picture of a guy hugging his girlfriend. She is not your regular poster type beauty. She looks smart, some one with whom you have to contend with for some time before you finally get her to see it your way. Not some one you can sway away with a smile and sharp dressing or chocolates and loads of false pretentious doting. She would see it through before she fell for you. All this of course is imagination. I have never met her and am no expert on face reading. But he looks so happy. I am jealous. Not that he has this girl. She might be so not right for me. But he has some one with whom he looks happy. Maybe he really is. I hope he really is. I hope I will too some day. I too will come across my kinda gal. And when I find her what will I say? When I meet her what will I do? I don't have a clue..... :)
Maybe that is the problem...!!
haha
Later fellas.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Surviving the launch
I am beginning a new journey. And the beginning it killing me.
I just left my job for an academic career. The whole idea of sweating it out to earn an honest days wages didn't seem to work for me. I wanted to use what god has given me....what's wrong in that?
So here I am ....trying to get a decent idea in a decent form so that a decent enough college will give me a decent enough stipend to spend the next 3-4-5 years completing what I claim now that I can complete. Sounds pretty stupid doesn't it. Well its killing me. Already!!!
Every minute I spend marveling at the amount there is to study, I have a minute marveling at the size of a fool I have been all these years. I should have made a move right then. In the beginning of my undergraduate studies but we never have enough brains then. And when we do -- So much time has passed and so much cost has sunk in that it seems impossible to follow the path of righteousness. No, you want to keep on working for the tyrannical boss in the bad company with the lousy pay and the stress laced blood pressure coz you don't wanna go thru the guilt trip. But here I am folks....look at me and cry....I fought it all off..... I shed the shackles that had bound me and am now free to embrace the guilt of being an ass all these years. Yeah laugh haha !!
Damn man, its killing me...!!
later
I just left my job for an academic career. The whole idea of sweating it out to earn an honest days wages didn't seem to work for me. I wanted to use what god has given me....what's wrong in that?
So here I am ....trying to get a decent idea in a decent form so that a decent enough college will give me a decent enough stipend to spend the next 3-4-5 years completing what I claim now that I can complete. Sounds pretty stupid doesn't it. Well its killing me. Already!!!
Every minute I spend marveling at the amount there is to study, I have a minute marveling at the size of a fool I have been all these years. I should have made a move right then. In the beginning of my undergraduate studies but we never have enough brains then. And when we do -- So much time has passed and so much cost has sunk in that it seems impossible to follow the path of righteousness. No, you want to keep on working for the tyrannical boss in the bad company with the lousy pay and the stress laced blood pressure coz you don't wanna go thru the guilt trip. But here I am folks....look at me and cry....I fought it all off..... I shed the shackles that had bound me and am now free to embrace the guilt of being an ass all these years. Yeah laugh haha !!
Damn man, its killing me...!!
later
Thursday, August 05, 2010
Being alone
I am 25 years old. I am way too young to feel bad about being alone. All thats happened is that I saw a depressing movie, thats all. And I will be fine in a little while. But life is about savoring the different flavors and I guess this is one of them. Why should I let it go without exploring...?
The past few weeks have been less than ideal. My focus on my work has been shitty and there have not been many bright sparks of inspiration. My best friend and out and out flirt was happily chatting away with his fiancée at 1 O clock at night on his birthday and he had to take permission from her to speak to me (When I was wishing him). Cute. But just made me feel more alone. So it had not been that great. Kinda makes the whole situation shitty, yes shitty. And I don't know what to do.
The movie was about a guy so comfortable with his travelling job that he finds family and home a burden and is actually more comfortable in the sky and in airports, when he is travelling. He scoffs at relationships and love and family and friends and all else that lesser mortals cling on to. Only in the end, when he realizes that he has been missing something, he finds out that the person he hoped to now share his life with actually has a life and family of her own. He just returns to the existence that he comes from.
The last line in the movie is this -
“Tonight most people will be welcomed by jumping dogs and squealing kids, their spouses will ask about their day tonight. They will sleep. The stars will wheel forth from their daytime hiding places, and one of those lights, slightly brighter than the rest will be my wingtip passing over.”
Thats one of the reasons I want to have a job where I can be home with the people I love. That is one of the reasons I left my job. Thats why I want to do a Phd and become a prof and what not....
But thats not the content of this post now is it?
The reason I am writing this is because I suddenly felt a void in me. I looked around for help and a little consolation and was immediately given the same, but completely misunderstood. I think I had more need to be understood than loved at that moment.
I figured that my teens passed me over without any problems. I guessed I just deferred them some how. I am all misunderstood and confused. I don't know what I want and I don't know what to do. Like a god damn teenager.....
Damn, this is embarrassing.... I think I need a girlfriend...
Later
The past few weeks have been less than ideal. My focus on my work has been shitty and there have not been many bright sparks of inspiration. My best friend and out and out flirt was happily chatting away with his fiancée at 1 O clock at night on his birthday and he had to take permission from her to speak to me (When I was wishing him). Cute. But just made me feel more alone. So it had not been that great. Kinda makes the whole situation shitty, yes shitty. And I don't know what to do.
The last line in the movie is this -
“Tonight most people will be welcomed by jumping dogs and squealing kids, their spouses will ask about their day tonight. They will sleep. The stars will wheel forth from their daytime hiding places, and one of those lights, slightly brighter than the rest will be my wingtip passing over.”
Thats one of the reasons I want to have a job where I can be home with the people I love. That is one of the reasons I left my job. Thats why I want to do a Phd and become a prof and what not....
But thats not the content of this post now is it?
The reason I am writing this is because I suddenly felt a void in me. I looked around for help and a little consolation and was immediately given the same, but completely misunderstood. I think I had more need to be understood than loved at that moment.
I figured that my teens passed me over without any problems. I guessed I just deferred them some how. I am all misunderstood and confused. I don't know what I want and I don't know what to do. Like a god damn teenager.....
Damn, this is embarrassing.... I think I need a girlfriend...
Later
Saturday, July 17, 2010
It was still the same
It was different,
I had a drink,
The gathering was mellow,
I was alone, waiting for her,
That was the still the same.
It was surprising,
How unaffected I was of her,
How the years have made me immune,
Yet her grace blew me away,
The ease which she carried herself,
That was still the same.
It was questioning,
The way she looked at me,
With new light for the man I had become,
I looked back with uneasy calm,
At loss for words to her quiet play,
That was still the same.
It was strange,
Hesitation on her part,
Her looking away to hide the blush,
I walked by her, doing nothing,
Unable to respond to anything at all,
That was still the same.
It was new,
No pain at the goodbyes,
No pining for her, no desperate plans,
I think of her still,
In my loneliest hours,
That is still the same.
- pinaki roy
It is a work in progress, and I am drunk.
I had a drink,
The gathering was mellow,
I was alone, waiting for her,
That was the still the same.
It was surprising,
How unaffected I was of her,
How the years have made me immune,
Yet her grace blew me away,
The ease which she carried herself,
That was still the same.
It was questioning,
The way she looked at me,
With new light for the man I had become,
I looked back with uneasy calm,
At loss for words to her quiet play,
That was still the same.
It was strange,
Hesitation on her part,
Her looking away to hide the blush,
I walked by her, doing nothing,
Unable to respond to anything at all,
That was still the same.
It was new,
No pain at the goodbyes,
No pining for her, no desperate plans,
I think of her still,
In my loneliest hours,
That is still the same.
- pinaki roy
It is a work in progress, and I am drunk.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
What you need to just keep winning?
This is more of a question than a sermon really. I don't know myself what one needs to just keep winning. But I have some ideas and I am going to try and convince myself than some one who is reading this right now.
To begin with- you need to love what you are doing. Just love it. Enjoy what it does to you and the people that it affects. Keep telling yourself that you are getting closer to those people. That you may not be affecting them right now but through your efforts you are affecting them in the future. Visualize that affect and then go on and love it some more.
More importantly or perhaps just as importantly- love yourself. You gotta love yourself. You gotta sustain your self. There can be no giving if you are empty yourself. Give to yourself first. Tell yourself how proud you are of yourself when you see yourself toiilinh away at something. Love yourself when you take a brave step - when you bear the pain and the pressure which you know you could do without perhaps. Love yourself for all that you have accomplished and all that you hope and aspire to in the future.
Do this and go on.
You might not win medals and popularity if you just do this. You might not get money and fame if you do this. But you will be infinitely happy with yourself all the time.
If that is not winning, what is?
Tata
To begin with- you need to love what you are doing. Just love it. Enjoy what it does to you and the people that it affects. Keep telling yourself that you are getting closer to those people. That you may not be affecting them right now but through your efforts you are affecting them in the future. Visualize that affect and then go on and love it some more.
More importantly or perhaps just as importantly- love yourself. You gotta love yourself. You gotta sustain your self. There can be no giving if you are empty yourself. Give to yourself first. Tell yourself how proud you are of yourself when you see yourself toiilinh away at something. Love yourself when you take a brave step - when you bear the pain and the pressure which you know you could do without perhaps. Love yourself for all that you have accomplished and all that you hope and aspire to in the future.
Do this and go on.
You might not win medals and popularity if you just do this. You might not get money and fame if you do this. But you will be infinitely happy with yourself all the time.
If that is not winning, what is?
Tata
Sunday, May 09, 2010
Change......
In the beginning this post did not have a title. As I write it, I don't know what the content will be. As I pause to frame the next line, I have no idea the direction it will take. Knowing the end of it all is a much far out point. This is the manner in which I live much of my life.
There is a difference in the manner in which I am writing today though. The sentences are formed in my mind before I type them in and even then I am repeatedly erasing the phrases and then re-writing them as I deem better.Just now I re-read the passage and corrected a few grammatical mistakes. I am not trying to gloat over my writing skills, they are not much to speak off, what I am saying is that there is a definite change in the way I am trying to lead my life. Or there is a desire to do so.
I believe that a man or a person leads his or her life in a manner similar to his or her personality. An adventurous man will always be found among adventurous surroundings, eating adventurous food and draped in similar slightly 'out of the ordinary' clothing. The same goes for the conformist and similarly for the safe player. He plays it safe in all matters of life. Writing, in my opinion, is one of the most reflective of them all.
I believe I read somewhere that the handwriting of a person can indicate the mood he is in, that an expert can also derive some of the person's personality traits from it as well. Digital records, typing, rids the observer from these indicators. But what I am speaking of is the manner of writing, the style in which the work is executed. That can still be derived from records such as the one being written or typed at present. I am not an expert in this but since I am only trying to read my own state of mind, I think my knowledge and experience of myself will be expertise enough.
When I say that I begin my sentences with no idea as to how to end them, what I am really saying is that I never know how things are going to end when I start them. Today things are different. Right now things are different. I have re-read and corrected the above piece twice already. I never do that. My writings are more of a rambling. Tenses and persons changing as I move from one topic to another. The focus moving in circles trying to settle down upon the main point but more often than not getting lost all-together in the supporting matter. That aspect, I am afraid, has not changed even now. One change though are the corrections. Even for that, I have to make considerable effort to go back and re-read the sentence to correct them, giving the correction precedence over continuing further into the matter. That perhaps is the latest change in my persona- reflection and correction thereafter.
It is still not natural for me to do so, therefore the considerable effort that I have to make to suppress the urge to go on plowing ahead into the matter. I am trying very hard to make my decisions with more thought out and go back and make corrections wherever I can. It is not easy because I have never been the careful type. But I believe that I am at a point in my career where being so becomes highly imperative.Third time I re-read it. I am sure there are a number of mistakes still but my efforts to remove them must shine clearly by now.
Aah for the days when I could be reckless and not care what came of it. But the change might be for the better. I have already begun to plan out the sentences before I type them out. The trend suggests that I should reach the point where I will be planning entire passages for beginning to write them. Perhaps the same can be said about the way I live my life from now on. The trick will be to be able to make corrections in real life as well - That I am afraid is not as simple as making an effort for it. But then more about that in some other post.
tata
There is a difference in the manner in which I am writing today though. The sentences are formed in my mind before I type them in and even then I am repeatedly erasing the phrases and then re-writing them as I deem better.Just now I re-read the passage and corrected a few grammatical mistakes. I am not trying to gloat over my writing skills, they are not much to speak off, what I am saying is that there is a definite change in the way I am trying to lead my life. Or there is a desire to do so.
I believe that a man or a person leads his or her life in a manner similar to his or her personality. An adventurous man will always be found among adventurous surroundings, eating adventurous food and draped in similar slightly 'out of the ordinary' clothing. The same goes for the conformist and similarly for the safe player. He plays it safe in all matters of life. Writing, in my opinion, is one of the most reflective of them all.
I believe I read somewhere that the handwriting of a person can indicate the mood he is in, that an expert can also derive some of the person's personality traits from it as well. Digital records, typing, rids the observer from these indicators. But what I am speaking of is the manner of writing, the style in which the work is executed. That can still be derived from records such as the one being written or typed at present. I am not an expert in this but since I am only trying to read my own state of mind, I think my knowledge and experience of myself will be expertise enough.
When I say that I begin my sentences with no idea as to how to end them, what I am really saying is that I never know how things are going to end when I start them. Today things are different. Right now things are different. I have re-read and corrected the above piece twice already. I never do that. My writings are more of a rambling. Tenses and persons changing as I move from one topic to another. The focus moving in circles trying to settle down upon the main point but more often than not getting lost all-together in the supporting matter. That aspect, I am afraid, has not changed even now. One change though are the corrections. Even for that, I have to make considerable effort to go back and re-read the sentence to correct them, giving the correction precedence over continuing further into the matter. That perhaps is the latest change in my persona- reflection and correction thereafter.
It is still not natural for me to do so, therefore the considerable effort that I have to make to suppress the urge to go on plowing ahead into the matter. I am trying very hard to make my decisions with more thought out and go back and make corrections wherever I can. It is not easy because I have never been the careful type. But I believe that I am at a point in my career where being so becomes highly imperative.Third time I re-read it. I am sure there are a number of mistakes still but my efforts to remove them must shine clearly by now.
Aah for the days when I could be reckless and not care what came of it. But the change might be for the better. I have already begun to plan out the sentences before I type them out. The trend suggests that I should reach the point where I will be planning entire passages for beginning to write them. Perhaps the same can be said about the way I live my life from now on. The trick will be to be able to make corrections in real life as well - That I am afraid is not as simple as making an effort for it. But then more about that in some other post.
tata
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)