New crazy thoughts.....

So here goes - I am thinking of learning how to play the harmonica.

Nothing is written in stone yet and it might be a passing thought...but I have always wanted to play an instrument and this one seems mighty handy - you know you can put it in your pocket and all...!!

I hear that learning it will be easy - you have a number of tutorials on youtube they say.

All in all a thought no less....lets see if this one sees the light....

Cheers!!

Strong Women

I have a weakness for them. It has been like that forever. When I look back and see all the women (or girls back then) that I have been attracted to - they were all strong. When I say this please donot start thinking of them women of wrestling, I know a few of you nuts would start thinking of them right away - but that is not what I am talking about. I mean women who are strong emotionally - who seem to make those tough decisions when others can't, the ones on whom you can depend upon. I just fall straight in love with them. Even the characters in movies - I have a special attraction for those tough minded gals. But how to define the characteristic that I find attractive? What does she have that reels me straight in? It is hard to explain. I guess I just need to have some one on my team on whom I can depend upon. A grown up version of my childhood fantasy of having a pal I could grow up with. Some one who could watch my back and I would watch hers. Hehe - you dirty minded freak - I meant that in a good way.

But I wonder what girls in usual think they want. I say 'think' because you never really know what you actually want. Coz here I am hoping I find some one who can give me a run for my money and if the girls are looking for some one who can shelter and protect them - maybe I am looking at a level higher than what I should be. Damn there are so many things to worry about - couldn't this girl thing be any easier...Damn!

Later

First, the news - My friend just started to write a blog, I think it will help her get a new perspective of her life and how she wants to live it, and I just saw an episode of Scrubs and now feel immensely inspired by it.

People get their inspirations from such wondrous places - Newton found his from an apple that fell from the tree, Leonardo da vinci and the rest must have had some thing too, Archimedes came up with the theory from the bath tub he was in but then took it to a grade higher by running through the streets naked shouting "Eureka".

Me - My inspirations come from comics, cartoons, movies and comedy serials. I have already written a post about the inspiration I got from a comic in this blog - today is the chance for the Comedy soap to shine!!

First, the confession - I am a whiner, a needy approval junkie, people pleaser and constantly in need for help!!
Ok not all of those at the same time, not necessarily even one all the time. Comprende?

Damn - I better put that disclaimer banner soon or shits gonna fall from heaven - on my head.

So here is the deal - I know somewhere in my head that I am all these things so I make sure that they don't show. Most of the time when I am of saving the world (read - doing office work or being responsible for something) I don't even feel the presence of these little quirks of mine - but when I let loose and be myself, oops I am in trouble.

 I like to be assured that I am doing the right thing by some one who I respect - this is usually someone who i feel can do the job at hand better or seems to know how not to let these worries worry him or her. Any one who shows me up on any job becomes immediately some one who I worship - Disclaimer - not all the time - this happens in moments of extreme weakness. Damn!!

And now I think I need to remedy it - that too when I am up against some tough decisions which can make or break my career no wait my life!!

So what to do - fight my demons just when I need these crutches that I depend upon the most - or you know - postpone the whole problem for when there are clear blue skies?? Damn!!!

My mentor seems to have gotten wind of the fact already - he is already cutting the umbilical cord - Asking me to make my own decisions. See if I follow keep following his lead I will end up some place lower than if I do things myself and depend on myself. And it makes perfect sense - If I need his help all the time then I guess I am better off at a lower competition place! So there - Keep asking for directions - thus prove that you are incompetent and determined to stay that way - so go to the lesser place. Follow your own lead - thus prove that you are determined to change your habits and become self reliant - a quality you will need to survive in a tougher more prestigious situation - thus prove your worth and go to a better higher place.

Where do I get these brilliant ideas - from comedy soaps!

My ideas are great.

I suck!!

Later.

Readers beware...!!

It is actually writers beware. It is nice that people read my blog and I kinda feel good about it. My friends know about it and I like to think that I am speaking to them when I write. But it also makes me be a little careful of what I write. Just the other day I saw a number of really cool pics which I wanted to share but the thought of all my lady friends kinda put it off. Then there was a obnoxious thought I had the last time and I wanted to blow it all out here but I stopped thinking that it would make me feel weak. Now that should not happen to a blog right?
You gotta write the way you feel.

So this is what I am planning to do. I am gonna stick a disclaimer on top - right below the name banner saying that the thoughts expressed below are the authors and the authors alone but mind you - only at the time they were written. So what I am trying to say is that if I sometimes come across as a lunatic or a sexually frustrated nutcase or a suicidal maniac...its just the way I was feeling then - Not me entirely. You have no idea how much effort it took to write the last line.

Damn. I will have to think of some mighty tricky but convincing wording for the banner.

Later

They say embrace the pain!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZ45xrtNnzk

Facebook and catch up

Sometimes all I do on facebook is to look up my old friends and look at their pictures. Some sort of catch up on their lives. These people I knew so well. I saw them every day. Now we would probably pass across each other on the streets and not notice the other if some one did not point it out or we did not look directly at each other.

They have changed so much. I know that no one puts pictures with them looking worried - only smiles...!! But still I like to look at their faces and try and tell how they have been. They say that you always project your own mindset onto other people. When I see them I sure don't feel they are going through any of the crap I am going thru. Maybe I have not fallen too much then. They all look so happy. So complete - maybe I am jealous. I see a picture of a guy hugging his girlfriend. She is not your regular poster type beauty. She looks smart, some one with whom you have to contend with for some time before you finally get her to see it your way. Not some one you can sway away with a smile and sharp dressing or chocolates and loads of false pretentious doting. She would see it through before she fell for you. All this of course is imagination. I have never met her and am no expert on face reading. But he looks so happy. I am jealous. Not that he has this girl. She might be so not right for me. But he has some one with whom he looks happy. Maybe he really is. I hope he really is. I hope I will too some day. I too will come across my kinda gal. And when I find her what will I say? When I meet her what will I do? I don't have a clue.....  :)
Maybe that is the problem...!!
haha
Later fellas.

Surviving the launch

I am beginning a new journey. And the beginning it killing me.

I just left my job for an academic career. The whole idea of sweating it out to earn an honest days wages didn't seem to work for me. I wanted to use what god has given me....what's wrong in that?

So here I am ....trying to get a decent idea in a decent form so that a decent enough college will give me a decent enough stipend to spend the next 3-4-5 years completing what I claim now that I can complete. Sounds pretty stupid doesn't it. Well its killing me. Already!!!

Every minute I spend marveling at the amount there is to study, I have a minute marveling at the size of a fool I have been all these years. I should have made a move right then. In the beginning of my undergraduate studies but we never have enough brains then. And when we do -- So much time has passed and so much cost has sunk in that it seems impossible to follow the path of righteousness. No, you want to keep on working for the tyrannical boss in the bad company with the lousy pay and the stress laced blood pressure coz you don't wanna go thru the guilt trip. But here I am folks....look at me and cry....I fought it all off..... I shed the shackles that had bound me and am now free to embrace the guilt of being an ass all these years. Yeah laugh haha !!

Damn man, its killing me...!!

later

Being alone

I am 25 years old. I am way too young to feel bad about being alone. All thats happened is that I saw a depressing movie, thats all. And I will be fine in a little while. But life is about savoring the different flavors and I guess this is one of them. Why should I let it go without exploring...?

The past few weeks have been less than ideal. My focus on my work has been shitty and there have not been many bright sparks of inspiration. My best friend and out and out flirt was happily chatting away with his fiancée at 1 O clock at night on his birthday and he had to take permission from her to speak to me (When I was wishing him). Cute. But just made me feel more alone. So it had not been that great. Kinda makes the whole situation shitty, yes shitty. And I don't know what to do.

The movie was about a guy so comfortable with his travelling job that he finds family and home a burden and is actually more comfortable in the sky and in airports, when he is travelling. He scoffs at relationships and love and family and friends and all else that lesser mortals cling on to. Only in the end, when he realizes that he has been missing something, he finds out that the person he hoped to now share his life with actually has a life and family of her own. He just returns to the existence that he comes from.

The last line in the movie is this -

“Tonight most people will be welcomed by jumping dogs and squealing kids, their spouses will ask about their day tonight. They will sleep. The stars will wheel forth from their daytime hiding places, and one of those lights, slightly brighter than the rest will be my wingtip passing over.”

Thats one of the reasons I want to have a job where I can be home with the people I love. That is one of the reasons I left my job. Thats why I want to do a Phd and become a prof and what not....
But thats not the content of this post now is it?

The reason I am writing this is because I suddenly felt a void in me. I looked around for help and a little consolation and was immediately given the same, but completely misunderstood. I think I had more need to be understood than loved at that moment.

I figured that my teens passed me over without any problems. I guessed I just deferred them some how. I am all misunderstood and confused. I don't know what I want and I don't know what to do. Like a god damn teenager.....

Damn, this is embarrassing.... I think I need a girlfriend...

Later

It was still the same

It was different,
I had a drink,
The gathering was mellow,
I was alone, waiting for her,
That was the still the same.

It was surprising,
How unaffected I was of her,
How the years have made me immune,
Yet her grace blew me away,
The ease which she carried herself,
That was still the same.

It was questioning,
The way she looked at me,
With new light for the man I had become,
I looked back with uneasy calm,
At loss for words to her quiet play,
That was still the same.

It was strange,
Hesitation on her part,
Her looking away to hide the blush,
I walked by her, doing nothing,
Unable to respond to anything at all,
That was still the same.

It was new,
No pain at the goodbyes,
No pining for her, no desperate plans,
I think of her still,
In my loneliest hours,
That is still the same.

- pinaki roy

It is a work in progress, and I am drunk.

What you need to just keep winning?

This is more of a question than a sermon really. I don't know myself what one needs to just keep winning. But I have some ideas and I am going to try and convince myself than some one who is reading this right now.

To begin with- you need to love what you are doing. Just love it. Enjoy what it does to you and the people that it affects. Keep telling yourself that you are getting closer to those people. That you may not be affecting them right now but through your efforts you are affecting them in the future. Visualize that affect and then go on and love it some more.

More importantly or perhaps just as importantly- love yourself. You gotta love yourself. You gotta sustain your self. There can be no giving if you are empty yourself. Give to yourself first. Tell yourself how proud you are of yourself when you see yourself toiilinh away at something. Love yourself when you take a brave step - when you bear the pain and the pressure which you know you could do without perhaps. Love yourself for all that you have accomplished and all that you hope and aspire to in the future.

Do this and go on.

You might not win medals and popularity if you just do this. You might not get money and fame if you do this. But you will be infinitely happy with yourself all the time.

If that is not winning, what is?

Tata

Change......

In the beginning this post did not have a title. As I write it, I don't know what the content will be. As I pause to frame the next line, I have no idea the direction it will take. Knowing the end of it all is a much far out point. This is the manner in which I live much of my life.

There is a difference in the manner in which I am writing today though. The sentences are formed in my mind before I type them in and even then I am repeatedly erasing the phrases and then re-writing them as I deem better.Just now I re-read the passage and corrected a few grammatical mistakes. I am not trying to gloat over my writing skills, they are not much to speak off, what I am saying is that there is a definite change in the way I am trying to lead my life. Or there is a desire to do so.

I believe that a man or a person leads his or her life in a manner similar to his or her personality. An adventurous man will always be found among adventurous surroundings, eating adventurous food and draped in similar slightly 'out of the ordinary' clothing. The same goes for the conformist and similarly for the safe player. He plays it safe in all matters of life. Writing, in my opinion, is one of the most reflective of them all.

I believe I read somewhere that the handwriting of a person can indicate the mood he is in, that an expert can also derive some of the person's personality traits from it as well. Digital records, typing, rids the observer from these indicators. But what I am speaking of is the manner of writing, the style in which the work is executed. That can still be derived from records such as the one being written or typed at present. I am not an expert in this but since I am only trying to read my own state of mind, I think my knowledge and experience of myself will be expertise enough.

When I say that I begin my sentences with no idea as to how to end them, what I am really saying is that I never know how things are going to end when I start them. Today things are different. Right now things are different. I have re-read and corrected the above piece twice already. I never do that. My writings are more of a rambling. Tenses and persons changing as I move from one topic to another. The focus moving in circles trying to settle down upon the main point but more often than not getting lost all-together in the supporting matter. That aspect, I am afraid, has not changed even now. One change though are the corrections. Even for that, I have to make considerable effort to go back and re-read the sentence to correct them, giving the correction precedence over continuing further into the matter. That perhaps is the latest change in my persona- reflection and correction thereafter.

It is still not natural for me to do so, therefore the considerable effort that I have to make to suppress the urge to go on plowing ahead into the matter. I am trying very hard to make my decisions with more thought out and go back and make corrections wherever I can. It is not easy because I have never been the careful type. But I believe that I am at a point in my career where being so becomes highly imperative.Third time I re-read it. I am sure there are a number of mistakes still but my efforts to remove them must shine clearly by now.

Aah for the days when I could be reckless and not care what came of it. But the change might be for the better. I have already begun to plan out the sentences before I type them out. The trend suggests that I should reach the point where I will be planning entire passages for beginning to write them. Perhaps the same can be said about the way I live my life from now on. The trick will be to be able to make corrections in real life as well - That I am afraid is not as simple as making an effort for it. But then more about that in some other post.

tata

Real life vs the Dreams

I always seem to have the perfect line when it comes to dreams. When I am imagining things they seem to fall in place so beautifully. Why is that?

When the same situations come in real life I don't seem to know what to do. Maybe the trick to writing a good story would be to put myself in the place of the characters and imagine the situation and then just let the characters live it out there. But this is not about writing stories. This is about my life and how I need to reduce the gap between the real and the dreams that I keep having.

Maybe I need to live a double life. One as the clueless bastard that I am and the other as the the fella I want to be. It is not what I will do in the moment but what the character me would do in that moment.

This might actually work out. So does mu character have a name and a job or is he just going to be like me - without a job but with a name???

Well well
lets see how that comes out to be.

tata

Expectations and a new beginning

It is quite something now. I have started on a very un-predictable road. What am I doing here? Where is my mind taking me? Where is it now? Where should it be?

I have difficulty sitting in one place and concentrating on one thing and I am planning to take on this activity for the next 4 years. Am I crazy? Will I be able to beat this inability of mine. In believing that I have to defeat an inability I must believe that I can do anything. I must believe that there is nothing I cannot do. And the most difficult of these challenges will be doing something that I dislike so that I am able to achieve what I want.

Damn this is all so confusing.

Defeating an inability. How does one defeat an inability. Plus there are the expectations.

Expectations of people who believed that I have already started off on a life, expectations of the people who now think that I will achieve great things, un-imaginable heights, Expectations of people who think I have made a huge mistake and I will fall face forward.

This is really scary. I am afraid. I am so afraid that when I begin to walk the path on the road I have chosen - I freeze. Each step I take I fear I will fail and I stop before I take it. I begin to write something and I stop fearing that I will fail.

Wherever you fear, there you will find him, your greatest enemy.

Leap of faith.....

Later then
tata

 

Today I quit

I put in my papers today. It was quite a feeling. But I enjoyed it all yesterday. I was out with 2 of my colleagues and we had a blast.

But I still can't let go of the feeling of responsibility. I mean - i still can't stop worrying about the area and how it will perform. I still worry about the boys that work under me.

I guess it will be 2 more months of torture for me.

I will try to take it easy though. hehe
lets see how things pan out

Travelling by bus.....

It is the best part of my job. Travelling from one place to another, that too by bus. It is pretty much the same when I travel by auto but that happens only in the cities. When I am travelling long distances between far flung cities - that is the best part. I love the way I feel when that happens.

I am a lazy fella. But I hate the feeling of not doing anything. A constant feeling keeps nagging at me that I am wasting time and not doing anything. The guilt ruins the lazing around as well. But here is the beauty of the bus ride. I am going from one place to another. Action is happening. There is nothing else I am supposed to do in the meantime. I can just be and there is no nagging feeling, no guilt, no nothing. Just the wind in my face and the scenery of the North Karnataka villages passing by in front of me.

I love the feeling of being in motion. I don't feel idle. I feel like I am going somewhere. Whatever work I have to do is there and not here. I will have to face whatever I have to face there and not here. Here I can just be, snooze perhaps and there is no nagging feeling of guilt, guilt of not doing anything.

The scenes are beautiful. Large fields, farmers, cattle, trees and mountains in the distance. The roads wind here and there, up and down, the worn out shock absorbers making squeaking sounds with every bump. Sometimes there is some chattering and sometimes there isn't, but even when there is, after a while it lulls into the background. There is a feeling of bliss. A feeling of no expectation. Nothing is to come out of this time. All is at peace with itself.

I don't feel the same way when I am in a train because I mostly travel AC and there is no wind in my face, the scenery passes away behind tinted glass and the sounds I hear are of the passengers inside. Air travel is no fun either because there is a lot of excitement during the take off and I try to pretend that this is my first time all over again and I try to imagine what a person from the past who has never even thought that we could fly would think and feel at this moment. But afterwards it is bland ...with a lot of clouds and nothing else...

Gimme Bus rides any day....

I traveled with the DSE I fired. He is to finish his remaining time here - till the end of the month. When I asked him to get a bottle of water - I requested him as I always do and he smiled at me. I later told him that it was not because he was on notice, I always request these things and not simply ask. He replied- but that was nothing. It does not matter that now he is no longer going to be with the company - "Aap to mere boss ho Sir...woh thodi na.." He left it there and so did I. This is the first job I have taken. I hope I never have to again..

see ya later

tata

An Engagement and a Firing

I was standing on the roof my Office building. It was windy and the scrap reels of film dumped on the office roof were flying all over the place. Some got stuck in a corner and it looked like it was dancing in the wind. The sky looked beautiful, as if god was looking down at the city below. I just found out that an old friend had got engaged and that tomorrow I was to fire one of my DSEs.

Life can come at you in very strange ways. We as a team are under extreme pressure. And I guess this fella is the first victim. Is he the sufferer the victim or is he first to be free from the hell we have all been through the past few weeks. There are a number of problems that we are facing and definitely it is mostly our fault. But it is not all our fault and it would have been nice if someone acknowledged it once in a while. This fellow I am going to fire will be the first real victim.

He has been through some tough times recently and that too in a very bad time professionally for him. It all snowballed into what he is in now. I have never fired a person before. I have never said those words. I don't know how I am going to tell him and how I am going to refuse when he asks for more time. Strange similarity to death. As if I know the impending doom that is coming for him and I feel guilty for not letting him know, that I know.

My friend who is getting engaged is a dear old friend of mine. Even though we have been out of touch for perhaps 7 years. We had some very good times. At some point we were pretty close and I as a habit love to cherish moments I have spent with people even if later on the relationship might have gone sour. It is not so in this case, we simply grew apart. I wonder if she even remembers me. I wonder if she remembers we were such good friends. I wonder what I am going to tell the poor fella tomorrow when I go to see him.

My life was supposed to change for the better from today on. From Monday on. Today is Tuesday. It has to do with a little superstitious thing that I did, something I like to believe in. Will it all fall apart before it all gets better. Is the world going to crash so that it can grow back in the way that I truly want it. I don't know. I can only wait and yes keep trying....

I will keep trying...

Facebook | Neeraj Bukalsaria's Photos - Bleach

Facebook | Neeraj Bukalsaria's Photos - Bleach

Just checking a new "blog this" option from Chrome....

Well, well....

Isshin is here....who knows what will happen. Things should heat up big time - especially with Gin entering the game with his Ban-kai...

Lets see what next Thursday brings us.

Girls - the amazing Revelation- Part 2

In the last post I wrote how I have been wrong about Girls all my life. I also said how I asked my very good friend to marry me and how that turned out.... Here is the rest.

My friend who I asked to marry me....

We still joke about it. It is so easy to talk with her and to be with her. She is the perfect friend. But we were just not right when it came to ...well...living like a couple.

This is when the bulb went off in my head. Later on after a drinking binge with a few of my office pals, we sat down discussing the women in our life - we are men now- so we say women instead of girls. I shared about this particular episode and one guy responded - Why spoil a perfect friendship, why settle for 1 when you can have 2. When you have a fight with your wife or when she does not understand, your friend can be the one to console you, advise you. The bulb in my head grew brighter. Another day, I was tired and beat but pretty elated because I thought on my feet under great pressure and figured out a way to save the day. I was feeling cocky and sure of myself. I love that feeling- the feeling that I can do anything. I just called up one of my gal pals - someone I had stopped keeping in touch coz she was ....well like the other girls - the ones who would go out with you just because she wants to eat out - not because she wants to eat out with you. I called her up - got all cocky - teased her a lot - in ways I could never pull off if I was down in the dumps, and had a great time. Why did I ever stop being in touch with her? I did so because I was just another guy she could call because she did not want to eat alone. I was not special to her, like I am to the friend I talked about before. AND that is where I was wrong.

She need not be the supporting sort. She can just be the fun Time pass buddy. She need not be even that all the time. When the time comes and I ask her out and she has other plans - I just need to ask someone else. Whenever I related to women, I always thought that they should be perfect - that they should be understanding and caring and fun and all that at all times. I know it sounds crazy, it sounds that way to me as well - but I guess it was all in the back of my mind. Coz if it was more obvious to me, I would have trashed the idea long ago. Well better late than never.

Now I know and it is like the fire brought down by Prometheus.

Now when I want to go out - There is someone I call. If she has other plans - There is someone else I call. When I need to air my feelings - there is someone else I reach out to. The best part is that I no longer wish that any body will act the same way, be the same supportive pal all the time. And suddenly the world of women is all solved for me.

All I need to do is not push them away from me. Just give them the space that they want - not ask for something that they can't give - Just....ask some one else....

I guess I will need to know quite a few of these gals but hey....if I don't push them away...I am quite a charming fella, I think I could do quite well.

Well dudes...If you guys can pick something out of all that I put in and benefit from it....send in a thanks.

Later then

tata

Girls - the amazing Revelation- Part 1

I was wrong about them all this time.......

Every single one I met was different from the one before. And, I am ashamed to say this, I hardly appreciated what they were to me.

From the very beginning when I was a child I wanted to have a Best Friend. Some one who will always be there for me and I will always be there for him. Yes, then it was a guy I saw in that position. I used to think that we would have houses next to each other and life would be great. Or so I think I used to think. Come 3rd Std and I figured that only a girl could figure in that role. I was still confused about it all but it just seemed right. At the time it was a cute south Indian gal whose plaits I used to pull all the time - even called her "Chonti". As the years went by I guess all the best friend stuff got discarded and the Girlfriend concept came into being. I was in 9th Std and I still found the entire concept funny - Interesting but funny. By the time I actually accidentally fell in a relationship - Some one pointed it out to us that we were going around, we looked at each other grinned and said -"Yeah, I guess we are" - I should have figured out what I just figured out now, a few days back, 9 years after when I should have.

I have always been late in this race. This maturity continuum. I have always been behind the times when compared to ordinary population. I wrote in a previous post about this. So basically what I am saying is that I now know what I should have known 9 years before now. What is this new revelation - I will say now.

A girl does not need to be everything. She does not need to be perfect in everything. She does not need to be right every time. For that matter any type of absolute simple need not be.

Seems pretty simple does it not. I could have reasoned this out earlier. But what used to elude me all this while was that it does not need to be Girl. It can be Girls.

Yes, Girls with an "S". Plural. Not one but many.

I wanted all the girls in one girl and that simply was asking for too much. I am not all the guys in one guy, then how can I ask for a girl who is just right for everything.

Ok, Ok, wait!!

I am not saying that I am against monogamy. What I am saying is slightly more grown up than that. Not that polygamy is childish. I am completely for it as long as it does not hurt people. But we digress....

What I am trying to say is that I pushed away every single girl away from me one way or another because I wanted it all from them. They were perfect friends, confidants, advisors and sometimes just good time pass buddies. But I wanted them to be all this, all the time and in all circumstances. It seemed to make sense at that time. Well, the one I will finally live my life with, should be like that. And hopefully I will be all that to her, all the time. Damn, I was so naive.

I have a very good friend. I have know her more more than a decade now, we were not that close all this time - we have become so only now, and she has always been supportive towards me. She was always there when I needed someone to pick me up from those long periods of depression that I get sometimes. She would always call back. She was just perfect.

She was a perfect friend. One fine day- I asked her to marry me.

She did not know whether I was serious or joking. I don't blame her. I did not know If I was serious or joking.

She was not sure which of the two she wanted. I did not know which of the two I wanted.

For the sake of conversation we kept talking about it - This was all happening on phone.

She asked me why I wanted to marry her, and I told her. That she had been there for me all this time, and I have been there for her all this time, she loved being with me, I loved being with her. She loved confiding in me, I loved confiding in her. Even she was convinced that we were perfect for each other. But something was missing and even I knew it.

Its becoming too long a post - will put the rest in the next one...

tata